Qbuttmonkey

Hello all. I just found this forum about 5 minutes ago, it seemed there were some helpful people on it. Anyway, to my problem... I met this guy a while back, we became friends. I think it was, over 3 years ago. Anyway, he would always brag about his girlfriend who would "give it up" all the time, etc. Eventually he confided in me that he cheated on her, etc. He was pretty abusive, manipulative also. Anyway, I met her and we begin chatting online, he got jealous and asked her to block me. She did. Things went by for a while, then she found logs of him talking to a girl online, telling her he loved her etc. He asked me to lie and say I did it under his name cause I thought it was funny, so I did. Eventually I felt guilty and told her about how he really is, she kind of new but wasn't willing to accept it. I didn't really want to be the friend of a guy like that, so I didn't care anyway. But eventually me and her began to hang out and such, and she started to like me. We started dating and such not long after they broke up. He would call her and freak out and cry and he proposed to her etc, he seemed kind of insane about the whole thing. But she got through it, and we started a relationship. She was always a Very great girl. The nicest person i'd ever met, she even looked great. She always treated me way too good. We got along perfectly, never a disagreement about Anything (Even for like, the first year of our relationship). After about a month she told me she lied to me about something, not too big of a deal but kind of private. After that I realized she was capable of lying etc but I still thought of her as a perfect angel and thought she'd never do it again. It took another year or so before I found out that wasn't true, and she became very guilty, and started to try to remember everything bad she had done to me and every night she would come up with like 5 or 10 new things to tell me. I thought, if she cares enough to try to remember everything then she must be wonderful. So I was a bit bummed but I took it more well than I thought. Even at this point, we were insanely close. We got so close so fast (had sex on our first night together, and we didn't want each other for sex or anything, it was actually an accident, funny story, but, again, private. Anyway, we were inseperable, she moved in after about 4 months of us dating but moved out again, she told me it was because her mom was making her (turns out, she just didn't feel comfortable living with me yet and not her family -- she told me during the time that she began to confide in me about everything she did, a year or so after our relationship start, that she asked her sister to come pick her up, it was her own free will). Didn't bug me too much, still. She would go through these phases, where she would become, kind of... independent... She would try to get friends and such. For our relationship, that was odd. we basically sacrificed all of our friends so we could be together 24/7. Eventually we started hanging out with the mutual friends we had before we started dating (all guys, though...) Anyway... I'm sorry this post is so long, I haven't even got to any of the important parts yet! I'ts just, i'm trying to paint a good picture of what we were like, and I really need some help, so it would be great if someone could understand where i'm coming from. Anyway! we were together all the time, eventually we would hang out with friends and stuff, we went through a lot together too, a week or two after we started dating she found out she was pregnant, I stayed right by her. I was very serious about her. we thought it might have been ours, we realized later it was her ex's more than likely, she was too far along for it to have been mine. Anyway, she had a miscarriage so we never got to find out what would have happened (we would have stayed together, surely. Just wondered about what would have happened to her ex)... Anyway. she had issues, I think she is bipolar, and I think she has some strange chemical imbalance due to the fact that she goes through those weird "phases" for months at a time and her opinions about everything change, then a couple months later goes back to normal! or a couple weeks sometimes. She had a lot of problems, her ex and her had an abortion on their first pregnancy, it really messed her up. It killed her to think about. I don't blame her. She and I still got through everything beautifully though. We became very jealous, not wanting the other to hang out with people of the opposite sex (or sometimes, anyone). I didn't mind it, we were so close that it was great and normal for us. She did so many romantic things, she saved up a bunch of money for a guitar one time for me, on my birthday. and when I went to her house she showed me. and it turns out, although she had no musical knowledge she spent the last week or so trying to learn the birthday song on it, and tried to play it for me when I came over. It was possibly the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me, with the exception of other things she did for me as well. I was like that to her, too. And we were great. then after about 2 years of us dating maybe 1 year and 8 months or 10 months we started to argue pretty badly. I dont really know why, it's just that when you become more used to someone you tend to open up to them more, even in negative ways (kind of how like if you meet a new friend they won't really say mean things or argue a lot, they seem pretty nice and understanding, but then after theyve known you for a year or so you might argue every so often or have dumb fights)... Anywho... Sometimes we said Really mean things. nothing like I hate you or anything (Quite the opposite, ever since the first few months of our relationship we told each other we loved each other like every minute! It became like, something we would say after every sentence almost, sounds kind of crazy haha but we were like some crazy relationship out of a movie. Everyone admired us for being so close. Anyway, she had gone through some phases where she seemed to be attracted to other guys or really wanted some friend time (without me). She even thought she was a witch for a few months (it was a phase, I supported her through it even though I don't believe in that kind of thing). But anyway, we would sometimes have real bad arguments and say things we didn't mean, those things in a normal relationship are like every day I think though, i can't remember much of what we said. But anyway since like 6 months ago she told me to shut up once I think and we said it since then like a dozen times each. was weird for us. but we were still unbelievably close. We met this guy, a while ago. Maybe a month or so. He seemed pretty cool. Weird at first, takes a lot of meds and sees a shrink for mental problems etc, I thought he was pretty cool though. Actually I liked him a lot. he started picking up on my behaviour ( a lot of people do that, all of our circle of friends kind of act like me now, It's hard to explain but I act very specific and weird, just kind of goofy )... anyway. He started to act like me completely, and I found out we knew about all the same things, liked the same shows and movies and games and he was almost like a duplicate clone of me. it was weird, some core things were still different though, his beliefs, etc. So anyway, after about 2 weeks ago maybe a little bit more, she started talking about how she felt weird around him. She said she had kind of "feelings" welled up for him when she was around him, and she promised me she didn't like hiim though even her co worker and her mom and stuff said she did. Eventually she described it more, she couldnt stop staring at him, wanted to be around him etc. This was quite possibly the strangest thing that had ever happened to us in our lives. We were so unbelievably close, like wanting marriage and kid close (we weren't financially stable yet, though. so I convinced her to wait. I dont know if that was a mistake, though. =(.. anyway). I couldn't believe she liked some other guy. I told her, she did. I kept trying to explain to her she's just denying it because i'ts an unbelievable thing in our relationship. She eventually admitted it, and we agreed to stop seeing him because we didn't want it to mess us up. Well, I wanted her to wait a while and all because I didn't want our friends and family and such to find out, and it would be akward and I was embarrassed for him to find out, we hung out with him quite a bit (They both liked hanging out with each other, I should have let her cut it off with him right away) and we got closer to him, we would go swimming like everyday or watch movies or whatever and she told me the longer she waited the more she would grow towards him. Eventually it became very bad we would argue about it, she wanted to tell him soo bad that she liked him, I think a lot of the reason was because she needed to find out if he did too. Keep in mind, he's an overweight, not a handsome at all guy, with huuuuge coke bottle glasses, a social outcast virgin type of guy, lives with his dad, etc. Has pet rats who pee all over the place, has no job. Basically, most women would reject him. I'm kind of the same way. Overweight, live with dad, no job. Etc... So, she could definitely see past things like that, which just reinforced the fact that she was a good person, not caring about looks or money, when she could have. She was quite a looker, too. and just a great person. I was lucky, and now he is. Anyway, she would tell me all the time she was the lucky one and didn't deserve me, I felt like she was blind. Ever see the movie "Shallow hal"? I'ts like that. Anyway, like four days ago I told her to go see him and tell him, she asked if she could go alone because it would be her last time seeing him and she cared about him a little and it hurt a bit. I told her okay. even though it killed me (you have to remember how close and jealous and loving we were... her hanging out with any guy alone was pretty bad, but a guy she admitted to liking? ick). Anyway... she stayed there til late ( my brother and some friends were at a friends house with the guy, she was goiung to visit her mom who doesn't live far and she went there late to hang out with them (and to tell him, but our friends didn't know). They sat around on the couch, i'm sure she stared at him a lot, etc. And eventually they kind of fell asleep (They were both pretending I later found out, neither knew the other was). And they kind of layed with each other.. her arm around his waist, etc. Once again, unheard of for us. So anyway, they both heard one of our friends remark (I'm glad Jake isn't here, he wouldn't like this). The guy she liked probably started to realize something was up about then. I didn't get to talk to her that night, unfortunately. Things might be different if I did. she asked him for a ride home at like 3am and they talked til like 4. I was asleep. It might have been later. He told her he liked her too, since he met her. she went back to her moms and called me in the morning. I picked up the phone, relieved and glad to be through all of this and back to the amazing wonderful relationship we'd had for three years. She told me, just that last night she would never leave me, and we'd get through this. she was being so close, and wonderful. We even did some sexual things that night... Anyway, I forgot to mention.. we had been talking about breaking up and having pretty bad arguments for the last week or so, but we always said things we didn't even come close to meaning so neither of us took it seriously. Anyway, she called me up and told me she couldn't stand not to be around him and how bad she felt. She kept saying we should break up because we had so many problems (Arguments I guess). She didn't at all say anything about being with him. But she had told me if we did break up or take a break she would stay at his house, she felt weird being around her family during all of this. I guess it was kind of a big thing I didn't really realize it but that's not cool. Anyway, we broke up. She told me she couldn't do it, and I knew she needed to. Even as I said it I knew I didn't mean it at all (I figured we would be back together the very same night!) She told me she could never move on, even if i did. But that week she told me if I Did maybe she could.. with him...That hurt, a lot. Basically we had resigned ourselves to the fact that if one of us died we could never even consider moving on. We'd wait to die to meet the other one in wherever you went where you died (we were just a tiny bit religious)... Anyway, she and I hung up afterwards, and I couldn't stand it so I Called her back in a while. Her sister told me she was at his house. I freaked, I couldn't breathe, etc. I didn't know I would feel that bad. so I called. no one answered, I kept calling and it turns out he turned the phone off in case she didn't want to talk to me.. That messed everything up. If she had talked to me she wouldn't have done all this stuff, but I hopped on my bike and pedaled acrross town in the night and rain and finally got there. I was going to knock on his window but, although I trusted her completely, I decided I Wanted to look in to see how she was acting, even had a thought they would be doing something sexual or something and lie about it if I asked, and the only way i'd know is to see for myself... even if It was just a crazy thought in my opinion. I was going out of my mind though. So I collected myself and walked up to the window, I saw his head moving funny but that's all I could see. I freaked out. I thought this might be the end. I felt like I was going to die. so I walked back to the driveway and summed up the courage to go back and look inside, I was quiet and I got close enough to see them making out. I had never felt anything like I did just at that moment. I couldn't move, I didn't want to see it and I was almost pleading with myself for it not to be true. but it was, i couldn't stop watching. She was looking so lovingly and passionately grabbing his hair. Turns out, it took her a few hours to move on from her unbelievable 3 year relationship with someone who honestly was like a sibling, best friend (we both agreed) and lover and almost parent to her. The closest two people in the world we thought. It only took a couple hours to move on from that, to making out with some guy she has known for maybe a month. So. I couldn't believe it. Everything about her moving on, it was a lie. Even if she didn't know it at the time. I was breathing incredibly heavy and I almost fell down in his driveway. I collected myself for maybe 5 minutes and walked back to the window and tapped on the other side where I couldn't see them, I acted like I didn't know. She came out looking guilty and such, and told me right away. I was like yeah I know, I saw. She apologised, told me she didn't mean for it to happen. Basically she was acting pretty distant from me. I was quite upset. I had been kind of keeping things from her for the past 2 years, I would look at porn every so often. It made me feel better. But not in the way that it would seem. I just did it because It kind of made me feel like we were equal. I almost felt like she actually WAS a bad girlfriend (she told me all the time and I told her of course not). and I felt bad about it, more bad than anything the whole time I ever did it. But I did it to get back at her in a way, sometimes I felt angry. We had never said we were angry at each other, always denied it. Even at the end. But anyway, I kind of knew subconsciously I was doing it to preserve the notion that I don't deserve her, and she shouldn't treat me so good, a staple of our relationship was that we felt that way about each other. Also, she did this to me during the beginning. I was a tad bitter for it. I told her I have been doing that, she really freaked out. I thought she was ready to hear it because of her, you know, with another guy. It still upset her very much, and I felt very bad. She told me she had to go, and didn't want to hear any more about it. I asked for a ride him and she asked him so he drove me. We talked for hours. It made me feel better, I wasn't mad at him and I felt like i'd gotten over her. But I knew, as soon as I stepped out of the car I'd feel as bad as I did before I stepped in. So Eventually I went inside and couldn't sleep, or eat. I still haven't been able to sleep more than an hour or so a night. and all i've eaten is a couple of cheesy bread rolls and a third of a sandwhich(this is not normal for me, i'm a freakin' pig!) Anyway, the day afterwards I talked to her in the morning, she was very distant. I was hurt a lot, that night she wouldn't kiss me or tell me she loved me or anything. And when we talked, she was acting like either I was a stranger or someone she didn't like, but she was still being friendly. So anyway, I asked her what's happened so far, I guess she had slept in his bed with him that night, you know holding each other etc. She told me she wouldn't have sex with him or anything but I believe later that day she said she would do sexual stuff with him, not quite that much though. I think it is very wrong and not morally right (the word that comes to mind is S.L.U.T. even though I don't really think that of her, some of our friends do.) that she would be willing to go down on two different guys in like 40 hours. But anyway, the next day or so they told each other they loved each other. And the night after we broke up I think they decided to move in together. all of that stuff is insane for a normal person, I think... She was talking about moving her stuff out etc. So since then I've been calling up a lot and he is probably very annoyed. I keep asking her if they had sex or anything and she says no, finally though I guess they kind of fooled around last night. she told me he touched her chest, and they did something else but it wasn't a big deal and she wouldn't tell me. It kills me to think about. I wish I knew what it was. I wish she wouldn't be with him, at least. If she wasn't with ANYONE I wouldn't feel so rejected. I'ts funny how in like 6 hours someone can change from your mother sister best friend lover and soul mate to some distant harlot. I still feel the same way I ever have about her. And I feel like if true love is there then even if she does things like this I should forgive her for it. I know couples who have gotten through affairs etc. She keeps telling me there is no chance of us getting back together and when I say you sure? she says yeah kind of. so I keep getting the impression that there is a chance, and it drives me crazy. I hurt, all the time. Not like depressed, I've been that before. But a stabbing pain I can't deal with for more than one second before I have to get some alcohol or find someone to talk to to get my mind off of it. I don't know what to do. I want her back. I pray every day and I tell her that all the time, that we should be together I tell her that this is too much to throw away for stupid reasons like this. She feels like they are going to be together forever. and he's never even kissed a girl, he has never had anything like this. he feels like it's true love. although I had been terribly inexperienced when I met her as well. She took my virgnity. Her ex took hers, though.... Anyway... We met when I was 16, and she was 15. Turns out she went to school with me in 7th grade but we didn't know each other well. It was odd to think of, because we felt like we knew each other our entire lives. Now i'm 19 and gonna be 20 in jan. she's 18 and is going to be 19 in november. There is a million things I forgot to say, i'm really beat and tired and can't think well at all. I don't think I have began to describe the first half of our amazing relationship nor do I think I have listed all of our problems, no one could understand what we were like, the things we said to each other, promises made. Things that aren't even said in movies. It was more than that. We were meant for each other, so we thought. I still kind of do. Every time I think about one of the really sweet nice memories of her (all of them, very fond) It hurts the worst. Worse than when I think about her with Him even. We live in a pretty big town and the time we've spent together we have been to every square inch of it it seems I went downtown today and every bench on the way there for miles, every building, every tree seemed to hold a memory of us doing something romantic with each other, or even just being there (which is romantic seeming anyway). Every ten feet I would remember a new experience we had or time we shared. And it's not the fact that i'm reminded of her that kills me, it's the great memories, they hurt too much. Bad ones don't, if I felt she was a horrible person this wouldn't be as hard. But it is, and I have to remember the most warm and unbelievably good feeling constantly when i'm reminded of the great things we've done. I'ts too hard to believe this is close to being worth throwing all away for any of the reasons she might think (She keeps telling me she's doing it to keep from hurting me, but I've gotten over petty jealousy stuff now. I told her that, I was supremely happy even in our worst times or even when I said or thought I wasn't, but now she kind of acts like the reason to throw it all away is because she loves him. Anyway... Not even our friends knew what we were like although they had a decent idea, no one came close to understanding us. I loved every minute of it. I loved making her feel better, the spiritual guidance, the sexual things even, or the gifts or everything. We had names for our kids planned out, and all. Only reason we hadn't gotten married is because I wanted to save up some money first. Anyway, I have to go. I'm going to her work to meet her on her lunch break (The only way to see her alone without him is to surprise her...) I'm forgetting like 9 / 10ths of the situation probably so this is going to be very different seeming to everyone who reads it than it really is. I mean, she didn't have a job or anything until like 2 months ago, and when she got it she started to change a lot, "Grow Up" she calls it, I don't think so though. I'ts like she's been in one of those constant phases for the last year with about a month long break 5 months ago or so where we didn't argue at all. I don't know, I still need her, a lot. I'm trying to get my brother or one of our old friends to tell her she's making a mistake since she won't believe me. But anyway, I need some help. I don't know what to do, I can't let her go. I need more so badly. I wish she still needed me. I'm going to miss my bus. I'm very sorry for the long post (I always hear that on the internet but it always is like three paragraphs heh, I think this one is actually pretty long). I'm also sorry if i'm not making much sense, or if this is the wrong place to present such a problem. I'm just tired and worn out and not thinking very well. I'm going to try to have as good a time as I can though. i'm meeting one of our friends and my brother downtown to surprise her, she will probably be upset and so will her.. Boyfriend.. Well, anyway. I gotta go, thanks to anyone who actually read all of this! heh. it's basically as much of my life story as I can remember (the situation is so much more unbelievably complex, and goes back to before where I started, maybe another time i'll type the whole thing out but it would take months I think, heh). Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how I could get over her or even if it is a good idea to or how I could get her to see what she's doing or anything I would be eternally grateful. Any help is appreciated. Thanks very much, all. I'm going to try to make it down there to see her now. I emailed her a long letter telling her how much I love her and reminding her of our good times, etc. She's kind of upset now because it made her sad but maybe it made her feel better about me. She is possibly throwing away the dream life, with a good house and children and dog named spot and SUV in the driveway and soccer practice and everything we were going to have together. And she's taking my life with her, since she is my life. I've got to give it one more shot. I'll let you know how it goes if i'm still alive when I get back =/... Wish me luck! -Jake