praisechange

Day 18: This is getting really hard. I am on vacation withy family and I cannot get him out of my head. Family members aren't really behaving at their best in terms of traveling abroad either, which makes me long for lone time and causes further pain in dwelling on him. I also purchased some self-help books in terms healing and relationship advice. However, the more I read them, the less I felt certain of my own capabilities of sustaining any relationships, not to mention the one with him which has already been broken off in a way. I feel like I can never be"the butch" that men long for and I am hesitant on how I can change the situation. I want to right the wrongs, I want to be that irresistible, exciting and prized possession again. I want to gain the spark back. I don't know how I could come to losing it, but I am determined that whatever happens next time, I am not going to lose my cool and I will stay level headed. I will Ot give out my full routine of caring and love until I know FOR SURE I'm getting the same level of dedication back. I need to cut loss. I need to be profiting. That's my lesson of today.

Day 11: Just read an awesome blog named BaggageReclaimed. Here is an article that I found very useful and I want to share with you all: link removed I did really miss him today and wanted to "apologize" for things I thought that could have been dealbreakers for him. The fact is that those are tiny details that shouldn't have been exaggerated and I by no chance have responsibility over his words or actions. I need to stay strong and remain calm. I am going to win this battle against self-denial and I will eventually come out sadness-free.

Day 10: Yesterday I spent a wonderful evening talking to a friend and had french food. Lobster Ravioli was so good and I need seafood to put me in the nostalgic mood. To ease the pain that arises from within no matter how hard I try to suppress. The moment I saw the empty front yard without him standing there waiting for me, as he often does on a weekday evening, simply brought me to tears and I know I have just failed to live another day without thinking about him. I need to let go, I need to pack up his stuff both emotionally and physically. I still have his business card on my vanity, with the "I I don't know how long it will take me to finally remove him from my consciousness. Maybe totaling 2 months isn't our relationship very long. But it literally has given me everything I've dreamt of and I couldn't believe it has ended so soon. I pray that it's going to be a peaceful day for him. I pray that we both live healthily and happily, despite the lingering thoughts over each other (?) Last time I saw his instagram picture-he looks miserable and has taken it the angle I've taught him to, which I told him would make him look cute. I can't say it was intentionally done for me. But I am glad he is trying to sort out himself and trying to live a balanced and happy life. At least that's what he's promised to do in the closure letter.

Day 8: Today I went to a picnic with some newly met acquaintances from the weekend. It was kind of an awkward silence because I haven't spoken my third language for a long time. I just quietly sat there and laughed at their jokes, as well as chiming in once in a while. I want to make friends and meet new people. I want to be that multi-cultural, fun, exciting, beautiful human being who he fell love in with at the beginning. Winston Churchill said: This is not the end, this is not the beginning of the end; but, perhaps, the end of the beginning. The beginning of our infatuation has come to an end. I pray to Lord that I will develop the patience needed, the strength lacked and the trust necessary in both of us becoming the "ideal self“. I pray His plan will be revealed to me, His guidance will be extended to me and I will find a way to his heart.

I accept the No Contact Challenge. This has actually been Day 7. I have cried a lot, read his letter over and over to make sure I understand every word and every line. However, nothing new have I found other than what I already know. He is stressed with his life, he needs a break and some space to man up and handle them all. My question is whether when he is ready, am I THE WOMAN he would seek out the first? Am I still going to be the lucky girl, who gets his good morning and good nights, who gets to celebrate his success in professional development, and who get to offer arms for him to rest in when he is tired and needs comforting? I want to be that person. I really do. But I am not going to be there unless he wants me as his significant other and I cannot make it happen on my own. It takes 2 to tango.