Graysfan

God, I miss you. I miss the feeling of being secure and loved. But I guess I will have to find that within myself again. I just wish you hadn't been so awful when breaking my heart. I didn't deserve it and now I am only missing someone who no longer exists. I keep thinking I am doing better and then I have a day like today where I miss you and cry a little and feel a big gaping hole in my heart and know you don't feel this way at all and you have completely moved on. *sigh* I wish you hadn't changed. I miss you. and i hate to admit it but i still love you.

Day 14. but only 12 days since i saw you with the girl i had doubts about all along. I don't know if this means you are with her but it all makes sense now. The reason you broke up with me is because 'we don't have the same sense of humour and nothing in common.' and you clearly do with her. So even with everything we had you find the fact that I am not as witty as you more important than all the love and support?? You didn't tell me so that we could work on it together and if you wanna give away everything that we had then i hope you regret it at some point. I am successful, beautiful, caring, supportive, independent, positive and warm. If you want to throw that all away then I hate you for it. I cannot believe you have thrown away everything. And I just know you are fine. I hope karma does its job p****.

Day 2. how can you love someone so much who has suddenly decided he couldn't care less about you? We said we would spend our lives together and planned for a family and a future together. How can you just switch all of that off?

back to day 1. i contacted him apologising for all the things i did to push him away. he said he didnt hate me and needed time to get over the text i had sent him a few weeks ago. I was so angry and said some horrible things. This is exactly my problem. I need to be on my own and figure out my life and grow the hell up! I took out my anger on him and projected my issues on to him that weren't his when all he did was love me and speak to me with such respect. What an idiot! I can't believe you threw everything you have ever wanted away because of your stupid unresolved childhood issues. What an idiot! I am so sorry for everything i did wrong...I just want to keep apologising. I am so sorry...

Day 9. Therapy helped a lot last night and made me realise things that I do obviously pushed him away. But he never told me what he needed despite me asking which is why we could not fix it. Finally realised i have to let him go. No point in wishing- im putting too much effort into it it can't happen. I have to accept that he was everything I ever wanted and dreamt off, perfect for me in every single way. But now he's gone. I wanted the big family and the birthdays and christmas's with big families and he was everything i said i wanted. But now I have to let it go. Clearly, I am not meant to be happy in my life and I am not meant to have a partner/best friend/lover to see life through with. I have to let him go and accept that he is not coming back. He's a very logical man-he doesn't dip in and out of relationships. His family were amazing but now I just have to let them go too.

Day 8 Feel the same as above. Keep going from hope to confusion-why and HOW can you just 'fall out of love' when we were so amazing for eachother, I know we fought a bit and things got tough with work but the foundations are amazing and you will never find anyone out there that can love you and understand you like I do. Maybe if i wait for him to be alone and things to settle he will feel that his life is empty without me. Sometimes you need to lose things to realise what they mean dont you? I have to stop hoping though and do things for MYSELF. starting therapy again tonight...