Coldarmy13

I appreciate everyone for taking the time. It has all resonated with me and I’m grateful for the input.

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Coldarmy13 it takes A LOT for a complete blackout to happen.  With no warning?  Like did you even feel drunk prior? 

And I have been around some severely drunk people in my life.  And have never witnessed a sudden complete blackout. 

Even with my drug/alcohol addicted ex.  Not like what you described anyway. 

I don't mean to alarm you but have you notified/seen your doctor?

Putting aside the incident with this girl, I truly do hope you're okay.  

I’d say I have feeling about the same as I would any other time. I wasn’t going crazy or anything. Just my normal light beers. Id guess about 4 in the first couple hours before this. 
I have had my blood work done a couple times recently and looked pretty good.

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

This. I have a feeling that you wouldnt get on with her no matter what happened. When they want to get on with you, they would be around you. And she just avoided you all night hanging around other people when she said you would talk about relationship? Yeah, that woman just doesnt want you in that way. In fact, my theory is that she just wants you for one thing only. And that is attention. Sorry.

Not that your behavior helped. Alcohol has a way of putting our worst traits out there. For example, you got frustrated she wont get on with you. So when your inhibitions were off, and she didnt wanted to basically have sex with you(calling somebody to your home means that sex is offered) you reacted poorly. That is why you should rethink about drinking if you want to get on with somebody. Or even at all when you act like that drunk. Again, I cant blame her for not being very friendly with you. But still dont think it would have mattered. Leave that woman alone completely. I understand that is hard since you work together, but that is exactly why you dont date coworkers. Its messy. Now if you need to cut her off completely, you cant because of that.

I don’t work there and she just started working there. I do agree though

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

May not be relevant at this point but @boltnrunpost got me thinking.

Who sent you the shot of Tequila?  Could it possibly have been laced with something?  A drug of some sort?  Rohypnol?

I don't trust drinks sent from unknowns anymore...

My late dad took BP medication for many many years.  He drank scotch, at least a couple after work before dinner, and enjoyed his beers too!

Never adversely affected him.

30 minutes is approx how long it would take for a drug to hit your system...

Just sayin... I think it's weird that a few drinks with BP med caused a complete black out.

It was from a girl across the bar. I got the shot directly from the bartender though, so I’d imagine it was fine. No one brought over a drink to me.

ive never acted that way or blacked out so thats what’s so bizarre.. maybe. I don’t know.

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You only had the one drink? And you believe that one drink combined with the BP med caused a blackout and poor behavior?

I ask because I've been taking BP medication for years and it's never caused that kind of reaction. And I have definitely had more than one drink. Try a half dozen. Never blacked out or had out of character behavior. 

I'm not doubting something happened, but it just seems odd that one drink caused all that chaos. 

And I agree with what Miss Canuck said. I believe she was already on the fence and this episode cemented her doubts. I agree with backing off and not trying to convince her to interact with you. 

It's also possible to have a great time without drinking alcohol. I do all the time (I've almost entirely stopped drinking just for health reasons). If alcohol does indeed affect you this badly it's not a bad idea to avoid drinking.

No it was just the one that was the tipping point I believe. I don’t mean to make it sound like an excuse, I messed up. It’s just that that’s never happened to me before. Like I’ve said before and thought I got across, I’m obviously at fault here in all ways.

47 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think you need to stop apologizing.  Apologize ONCE in a sincere way and leave it.

There is an interesting dichotomy that happens when a man apologizes too much, even when he did something hurtful, intentional or otherwise.

It comes across as disingenuous, phony, too eager or desperate to regain her approval, which has the tendency to women OFF.

She may have been hurt or pissed about what went down at the bar but you apologizing ad nauseum will turn her right off, which may be why she has blocked you.  No offense, but in her eyes, you may seem desperate even a bit weak (sorry).

Again apologize ONCE and let her sit with it.  Once is all you need and good enough.  More than that is akin to begging imo = turn off.

I understand this completely.  By "needing time," she means she is turned off by all your apologizing/begging for forgiveness and hoping with some space and distance, her attraction or good feelings about you will return.

Leave her be.... Let her come to you.  Respect her that much.

You’re probably right. Thank you

22 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry this happened. I'd stop showing up there. She knows how to reach you if she ever wants to, and she might credit you with more sincerity if you don't become a bar regular after such a mishap with drinking.

I was a bit of a regular long before she started going or we met, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m just so embarrassed and sad about it and will be for awhile I’m sure.

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately after blocking it's tough to come back, especially since it never got off the ground. It seems like just hanging around her workplace after her shift, drinking.

She was smart not to go home with you or get in a car with a drunk driver. She is also smart to block someone sending a barrage of drunken texts.

However she seems to be friendly enough at work. Perhaps lay low for a while since she said she needs time.

Of course she was. I’m not saying any of her course of action was wrong at all. That was on me and not knowing maybe all the potential dangers of the new medication. 
 

Its was only meeting up there after work that night it happened. Was her first shift there. Before that we’d always just meet up there. I hadn’t suggested something else because we were just friends for most of the time until recently. I could have tried to make a date somewhere else though in the few weeks we starting seriously talking though. She knows about my meds and hopefully knows how out of character that was for me. Maybe not though. It’s just such a shame, truly.

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How very strange that you two didn't arrange such an important thing like trying to date at a place outside of her workplace. Do either of you enjoy leisure time at places that don't involve a pool bar and drinking alcohol? 

I'd say if I messed up this bad because of alcohol use, the way to prove this that this egregious behavior wouldn't happen again is to no longer imbibe.

But apparently this seems like your social life revolves around this place and that's what your friends do, too. So I'm guessing you won't want to change a thing. If not, at least arrange for Uber or a taxi for those outings since you drove incapacitated that night, and it could happen again with worse consequences next time.

She really doesn't sound that serious about taking it to a dating situation since she blew off the talk when it'd been scheduled. I'd leave the ball in her court since you already explained yourself. What's your relationship history and the reasons past relationships ended?

 

It was horrendously irresponsible. We met there Friday by her request since she was going to hang out a bit after her shift ended. We had talked about how we were going to start going on some real dates and all of that was in motion.. well until this happened.

We always met there as friends up until the last 2-3 weeks. In retrospect, I should’ve probably offered to take her somewhere after work elsewhere but she likes it there too and I guess I just got into the routine. She also just started working there. That Friday was her first shift actually. Then I did that. Trust me, I’ve been beating myself up ever since.

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you blacked out! It seems to me she was also looking for an excuse not to pursue anything further.  Do you know if you treated her badly after you did the shot? Was the apology only about being that drunk in front of her?

I’m sorry maybe I wasn’t clear on that super long post. What little I got from her is that I was really upset she wouldn’t come home with me. By reading the barrage of texts I sent her once I got home, it probably wasn’t nice. Which is so bizarre because I’ve been nothing like that since we’ve known each other and have been out drinking numerous times. 
 

My numerous apologies the entire weekend and attempted explanations the whole weekend after were about how I know I have no memory of what happened.. but from what I read I apologized for her going through that. That it had to be the medication, but that it didn’t make it right and she didn’t deserved any of that. Also, that she meant the world to me and all of what she said I did and what I read the next day was how I felt at all. It feels ridiculous, but that it was not me at all. 
 

I also apologized in person last Friday, to which she said she knows I’m sorry and that she needed time.

it’s good to see all the familiar faces still here and still helping others. Thank you ahead of time for reading the whole mess.

I’ve been in a rough spot the last couple of weeks over an important friendship I had that was on the verge of becoming more.. before I ruined everything.

We met at a bar we both frequent, where she recently started working at in the kitchen. We met about four months ago and hit it off as friends. Enjoying griping over online dating dates, shooting pool and people watching. She’s 30. 

About three months in, after breaking off a short term thing she had going, she starting getting sweet with me. We became closer. We’d meet up there twice a week, texting everyday. She’s a big texter and I was always happy for the conversation. She eventually told me how I was really great and that she loved me. She’d reiterate that along with other nice things like missing me and looking forward to the next time we’d go up there. I reciprocated of course, after allowing my walls to come down because I really believed her and had spent a lot of time together and talking about things. 

A few weeks ago she suggested that next time we meet up on that Tuesday, we should talk about us and maybe start really dating. To talk in person and really see if that was something we both wanted. I said I’d love to do that. It really feels like it grew organically. I was more than happy just being her friend. After she suggested that, and after a couple times where she kissed me after a couple of our usual me walking her to her car moments. Needless to say, I’ve really caught feelings the more it seemed to be heading in the direction of being together.

I started taking a medication for my blood pressure a couple of weeks ago, that will come into play soon. I’ve been really careful about my drinking on account of it. 

Anyway, we meet up a week and a half ago with intention of talking more about how we felt about things. This night she got caught up in playing pool and chatting with others.. so she never came and sat down long enough for us to really talk. That annoyed me a bit because of it being her idea to broach the subject, in person that night, and simply playing pool instead. Seems like both could’ve happened. But I let that go. Fast forward to the following Friday, where we both talked the whole week about it and talking in person again about it. Her shift ran two hours over, and by the time she had come sit by me I had been drinking a bit. Someone sent me a shot of tequila, which I really don’t do shots anymore, but was in a good mood and drank it. She seemed really tired, understandably, just getting off of work, so I asked if she’d like to wait to talk about us for another time. She said yes. I accepted that and things were going okay after that. 

Maybe a half hour later, the lights went out. I remember nothing after that. Which is scary because I don’t remember going home, which I’m ashamed of because that isn’t responsible. I woke up the next morning and looked at our chat history and I just was going off on her for all kinds of stupid stuff. No memory of sending any of it. From the little she did tell me, we walked to our cars and I got really upset that she wouldn’t go home with me. The texts I sent after I got home are more of the same. I read all of that and my heart stopped. Such a scary thing, a majority of it was not how I felt about her. She didn’t deserve that at all. At 39 years old I’ve never blacked out from any amounts of drinking and can only assume it’s the medication in combination with the shot.

Needless to say she was really upset at me and didn’t respond to any of my apologies and taking accountability for how I acted. Telling her what she means to me and that was way out of line. That it isn’t how I feel about us, that she didn’t deserve that whatsoever. Also that I have no recollection of any of it at all. She left my messages on read all weekend. Finally, on the following Monday, she blocked me. 

I’ve since seen her last Friday up there, where I cautiously approached her (we were with mutual friends up there) when the time seemed okay, and apologized to which she said knew I was sorry. She said she just needed time. Yesterday, Monday, she was by the entry to the kitchen when I walked in. I didn’t expect her to be working so I felt bad and didn’t want to force any conversation since she had said she needed time just a week and change before that. So I tried to walk through the people by her and pretended to not notice she was there. She hit me on the side to get my attention and we both said hi and she reached out for a half one armed hug. I asked her how work was and she said she was tired. That was pretty much it. Later in the night as I was leaving we had a little hug and I wished her a good shift and she thanked me and told me to drive safe. She could’ve just let me walk by, but she didn’t. 

I simply don’t know how to proceed, she still hasn’t unblocked me or reached out. I’m sure I’ll see her on Friday night. I don’t know I should feel it out and ask if we could talk, or just let it be and leave the ball in her court?  Have no idea what to make of anything right now. I’ve felt awful for messing things up, albeit having no memory of what happened. Part of me really hopes, after four months of being pretty close, she’d see how out of character that was for me and give us another chance. Any advice would be appreciated.

21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Wow, look who just dropped in out of the sky??!!!😉 Well hello!

Hey there friend! Yeah was bored yesterday and figured I’d browse here.

I find the longer you message back and forth, the less likely a meet up will occur. If we match during the week, I try and set up a date the upcoming weekend. Doesn’t always result in one but at least I can rule that person out in the event they’re waiting for something “better” or just looking for attention.

1 hour ago, Sihana said:

Just ask her out and see what happens.

If she agrees to see you in other place other than the bar she works at then yes, you might have a chance.

Even then, great, but don’t necessarily look as it as a chance to be with her. I wouldn’t put her in a pedestal right away. Look at it as an opportunity to meet someone new and see if she’s someone YOU would be interested in. Also, consider if you’re comfortable with someone who’s doted over so often each time she works. If jealousy has been any issue for you.

I’ve never bothered trying to flirt with a bartender. I read their kindness and flirting as just that, her job. That hundreds of guys probably hit on her every week, I just don’t want to be another one.
 

Cant hurt to ask though. You’ll know for sure then.

If you feel that way, tell his as quickly and honestly as possible. No reason to bring up your ex or why, just the truth.. that it isn’t working for you anymore.

On 12/8/2021 at 4:51 PM, kim42 said:

I never told him or asked him out but I think he knows. 

As a man, I supremely appreciate a woman not afraid to shoot her shot. We have to do it all the time to find out if anyone is interested in us. If I feel That my interest is one’s sided or playing the “chase me” game, I lose interest quickly.

I’d also be curious about what the differences are. If your interest is high now, I don’t see why more dates would be out of the question. If you’re comfortable and get along great in person, and you enjoy her communication style during the in between then it sounds like a promising start.

I gave up on finding someone that’s exactly my mirror image or having all the same things in common ages ago. It’s more about the compatibility and comfort to where I don’t have to second guess anything. 
 

I too, wonder if you’re looking for reason to not get serious with this one. Only based off of what you posted and not having been in one before. Maybe she just doesn’t check all the boxes that you’re looking for exactly, which is fine, but could also be a long search to find someone perfect. Up to you, if your interest isn’t sky high after date three I’d wonder why and if there are dealbreakers that would make you think you’d eventually lose interest. 

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

Well, the talk got you the answer you needed so you can emotionally move on. But I can't figure out why you would text about something so important. I believe texts should be for sweet little things like: Can't wait to see you Friday. Or logistics: I'm waiting in front of the restaurant.

Important topics should be saved for in person, and 2nd best, a phone call. 

Is this a lack of confidence on your part that you resorted to text?

I'm sorry it didn't work out how you wanted. But when you meet someone who is excited about you and wants to talk to you everyday instead of every 3 days, you will then be happy the lady from the past didn't work out.

Absolutely agree. What texted her was a much less serious convo than I think what you’re talking about. This was more of a - I’m deleting my dating apps because I like where this is going type of comment along with a hope your days going well - type message. 
 

Although, I’m sure I would’ve gotten the same message when I went to make plans for the upcoming Friday.

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm confused, is that what @lostandhurtwrote or what the woman you're dating wrote?

If it was from her, well, that couldn't have been fun to read but at least 1) she was honest and 2) you know instead of wondering.

You're a great guy.  The right woman will be delighted to have a guy like you.

That was what she sent me when I texted her saying essentially that I was deleted my profiles and wanting to focus on this and where it could go.

I couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the quote when I replied on my phone. 

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Hey! I’ve been in bed all day, woke up sick. I appreciate you being so open and forward with me and I want to be just as open. I really like you and I love our time together. I actually can’t believe how comfortable I felt with you almost immediately. Part of me would like nothing more than to explore a serious relationship with you, but I have a deep calling within myself right now to just be alone and deeply care for my body and heart. I don’t know how to explain it other than my health needs to take top priority and I think I need to be alone to do this. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear and honestly I have struggled to even say it. But you deserve somebody who can commit to you in all the ways you deserve. My body is telling me that that’s not me and it wouldn’t be fair to you to pursue a relationship when I’m not able to give you 100%

8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, after almost 2 months I would be interested to see if it goes somewhere else aside of seeing each other once every weekend. You should even probably know stuff like that. For example why is she on dating apps? Is it to find somebody long term or just something casual? What is her situation in general? Job, maybe kids, living arrangements? Does she wants to settle or still just wants fun? Those are all some things you maybe should already know after 8 dates if you even remotely talked to each other about the theme of dating and life. Also, did she deleted dating apps or just deleted and blocked you so you wont see her on it? I am not trying to discourage you, I think its going OK, just saying that if you do want to invest further into relationship, yes, you should know at least in general what she wants from relationships and if and how you fit in all of that.

Also, from the level of interest standpoint, her waiting 2-3 days to even contact you and ask how you are doing is concerning. It doesnt have to mean a thing if you say she enjoys your company and is, for example, engaged in conversations, but nowadays with cell phones, 2-3 days without even contacting isnt really showing high level of interest. Its not a big deal and some people arent like that but at least at start you cant wait to hear from the other person so you wont wait 3 days to contact them. So I think level of interest is a valid concern.

I agree it is. Everything was very good in person last Friday but she could always just enjoy my company but my gut says if her interest level is high that I’d hear more from her but everyone’s different.

Probably why I’d like to see where we are at.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Many women do not want to continue having sex with someone who won't focus on them. They don't want the thought that as soon as you zip up you're off on your next date or having sex with others.

This is sort of where I’m at. I don’t want her to think I’m just in it for kicks.

To answer a couple replies here, we have talked about what we were looking for and how we were both looking for a meaningful connecting and wanting long term dating.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would broach it once you've known her in person for at least two months.  It sounds good, and fun! -so far!  Good luck!

Two months isn’t far off, guess I’ll have to play it by feel in the moment.

18 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

This is just my opinion for take it for what it’s worth. I try to just be my genuine self with the people I interact with. Sometimes I’m too much for someone and sometimes it’s reverse where the person is too needy.

If you feel like your being reserved now then this could be a pattern moving forward. Normally if I’m already sleeping with someone and especially if I’m having unprotected sex then generally I don’t want to keep sleeping with that person unless I know it’s exclusive.

If in the past it didn’t work out when you opened up too soon, it could be that you didn’t read the person well enough to know what their level of interest was. Just my two cents.

Exactly my feeling here. That I don’t know her interest level and maybe that’s what has me anxious, which isn’t a healthy reason why to bring it up.