It's been a really long while since I last talked to my ex. I've lost count. I think I'm on NC month 6.
NC kinda broke today, though it wasn't intended. I saw her today in a crowd, our eyes met, I said hi first, she said hi back, we spent less than a minute catching up with each others lives (she has a new job, new man, recently got a promotion, and is doing really well), and then we went our separate ways. I wish I just kept my mouth shut and kept walking past her.
I know healing isn't linear, but I was doing well, I thought I was over her. But I feel like something broke inside me today. I feel like for the first time, I'm realizing I'll never ever be hers again, and she'll never be mine again. She's completely over me, even if I still have lingering feelings for her. There's nothing left inside her towards me - it wouldn't matter if I existed or not, my life no longer has any relevance to hers. And I don't know, I just went home all bummed out and it's really eating me up inside. Her life is going well, she's so happy, and I want to be happy for her, but I realize now a part of me still really wants to share her happy moments in life with her. But it'll never ever happen again, and it's just tearing me up inside.
I guess I'm back to NC day 1.
