deebee

Moving in with a friend sounds a good idea. My ex was in a similar situation before we started seeing each other. She had split with her boyfriend but had to live in the house they owned until they found new places. Naturally, this caused her a lot of stress and it was very awkward. She also had three cats to worry about!

Initially, they compromised by spending two or three days at a time alone in the house, with the other living with parents or friends. But even that brought with it too much conflict and constant reminders of what was lost. So she took up her friend's offer of moving in with her as long as she needed to whilst in the transition to her own place.

When she did move out, she felt a huge relief and more in control, even though leaving behind the home they had bought together was a hard thing to do at the time. Then she had her new house to look forward to and a bright new relationship with me! Obviously, that didn't last as she is now my ex so we'll gloss over that for now...my point is she took positive action and benefitted greatly.

I am really sorry it is not working out for you two, I don't understand his attitude. Surely if he has the respect and love for you he claims, he should either commit to you, or leave to 'play the field' if that's what he wants. He can't have his cake and eat it by doing both! I think you will be better off taking control of this situation and moving out and away from him if possible. Being in a new place and not knowing people must make it harder. On the bright side, it does give you a blank slate to start a new and better life!

Sounds innocent enought to me. I am a cyclist too and it can be a lonely pursuit. It makes a very nice change to ride with people, but there are very few around that are fit enough, own bikes, or are even willing to do it! The only person I ever get to ride with is my brother when I visit home.

So the situation seems genuine to me. It sounds like your husband is being invited as the 'chaperone'. I don't see him going as 'abandoning' you. You must do things without him too? If not, then you should, for your own sake. Personally, I think you are reading far too much in to it, however I don't know your relationship history.

Thanks for your responses guys, I will reply with a brief, cordial message as suggested! Having thought about it last night, I don't think I am ready to meet or speak with her yet so I won't initiate any correspondence. I think NC should continue for a while until I feel 'emotionally ready' to talk or meet.

Hoping&praying - interesting to hear your views on the issues my ex raised in the break up. I thought they were minor too (some of them were really trivial, I didn't go in to the detail in the original post. If it wasn't so serious I would have laughed at the time!). I guess one of the things that hurt me most was that she wasn't prepared to invest or commit enough to overcome them. And that's why I think we wouldn't be able to get back together, because I have come to realise she thought about the relationship in a fundamentally different way to me. We are in our 30s and neither is perfect, yet I thought our bond was strong enough to resolve any issues together.

lovinhim - I hadn't thought about it, but meeting may help achieve closure. I don't feel ready for it yet though, maybe later!

Will let you know what happens...

I am really sorry it didn't work out for you, it must be hard when you were that emotionally committed to the relationship. It's a cliche but time is a great healer, as I too have discovered. I think you hit the nail on the head with the 'guilty conscience' thing - you remind him he has responsibilities he doesn't want to face up to.

You're right about it not being an easy road. But worse things do happen to people and we all have an amazing capacity to recover and go onwards and upwards. For me, I've had a temp job for a while and found out today I may have an interview for a better paid job with more prospects, so things look a bit brighter. Also had a short e-mail from my ex after two months no contact and I felt OK about it, which I wouldn't have a few weeks ago. So it does get better...

My ex-girlfriend of six months has just e-mailed me after two months of No Contact - we haven't spoken or contacted each other since the split, which she initiated.

Today I get an e-mail saying how she realises that she is probably the last person I want to her from but how was I, am I getting out in the sunshine and she still has a couple of things of mine. Any advice on responses please?

Two options:

1. Don't reply - seems rude as she was civil

2. Reply - but how to judge it and where will it go?

My thoughts were to reply but keep it simple and non-emotive: say I'm fine, doing blah-blah-blah. But should I say why I NC'd her? That it was the only way I could come to terms with the break up and move on with my life? I do miss her of course, but I don't want to get back together now. Even seeing her would be tough. I'm not interested in venting the pain and anger as I realise it wouldn't change or achieve anything. I'm not bothered about having the stuff back either (it's only a book and wine glasses).

Does NC have an end-point? Or is any contact Bad?! Your thoughts and experience would be appreciated!

The back-story behind the break up for those who want to read on...

We fell in love fast and both thought we might be 'the one' for each other, but cracks started to appear after a month or so, which we managed to talk through. Nothing too big I thought and we still had good times. She initiated a break because she said we 'didn't gel' as well as some other couples, that I 'over analyzed the relationship' and that 'it was too much hard work'. I told her I thought this would mean a break up, but gave her the space and time she asked for.

I didn't agree with her reasoning as being valid at the time. Whilst we did have some differences I was willing to work through them because I loved her. Isn't that what being in a relationship is about? She seemed to choose to see barriers. Friends told me they thought we were really close and affectionate. I am an analytical person, but neither of us were giddy teenagers any more. I had been looking for work and the stress wouldn't have made it easier to be with me at times, but I hoped she would support me.

Anyway, after two weeks of this 'break', I phoned her to see how she was getting on, only to find that she had already decided to split up! If I hadn't have phoned, I don't know when I would have found out! . I thought this was very cowardly and disrespectful, I was so hurt and angry (although I wasn't abusive or rude). Afterwards, there were a thousand thoughts and questions, it was driving me mad. The pain was awful and I couldn't eat or sleep. But after a couple of days of this torture I realised that nothing I could say or do would change her mind and I would just have to come to terms with losing her. Without realising it, I had initiated No Contact in an attempt to move on.

Fast forward over two months and I am starting to feel more like old myself, the pain is slowly subsiding and I can start to think of the future again in a positive way.

Hi, I see what you mean and didn't realise that he chooses not to work! Owing to two separate redundancies I have spent much of the past two years job seeking before finding work again. It sucks and the stress/depression it caused probably contributed to the break up of two relationships (and more pain!).

As an outsider, it seems like you two had fundamental differences in your approaches to life, responsibility, reward, risk, sacrifice etc. I can see why his attitude has caused this conflict for you. I agree with you, at 28 he should accept the responsibility that comes with being an adult, get a job, contribute to society and pay his way! Presumably his new girlfriend pays the bills? No wonder he appears happy! But there is more to life than that...

I guess it is possible to love someone deeply and still have fundamentally different values. If it's a big enough 'deal breaker' then would you be happy together in the long term? It is painful to come to terms with.

The Streets - link removed

Jeff Buckley - link removed

Alicia Keys - link removed

You are not alone! There are many people out there feeling just like you and I am/was one of them. Like everyone has said, bit by bit you will feel better so just hang on to that thought when you are having a bad day. Eventually there will be more good days than not. It has been two months for me and I feel so much better now than I did back then. I still don't feel I am over it completely as I still think about my ex (but not all the time and with less painful emotions). I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel now! Read all the good advice this forum has to offer and good luck with the rest of your life!

Just to concur with Kip's insightful post about how men react, I also experienced the same thing in my recently finished relationship. She ended it because she claimed we 'didn't gel' and I 'over-analyzed the relationship'. What she failed to mention was her lack of commitment to me and the relationship!

I was having a tough time, having been made redundant and no luck finding work for several months was knocking my confidence and self-esteem. Ultimately it impacted the relationship as I became withdrawn and depressed. Yet instead of being strong and loving me unconditionally whenever I was having a bad time (and admittedly not the best person to be around!) she would back off.

Kip put it well about the feeling of not being able to win with this person. It seems that what some women say and do/mean are different things. There were massive inconsistencies that she seemed unaware of. Like the twist in the end of 'The Usual Suspects', it makes you go back and look over the whole relationship with new eyes!

Yes, men do hurt just as much as women, maybe more because we don't express it openly. Your ex seems truly happy now - perhaps you should allow him to move on with his life, and you with yours.

Yep, just tell him straight and don't draw it out. Sounds like you've made up your mind to break so get it over with - it will be best for you both in the long run! From what you've described, he will take it badly whatever happens. And don't say 'but we can still be friends', that's a real twist of the knife from the guy's point of view. Break up and then 'do' no contact until you have sorted your feelings out. You may or may not want to get in touch again. Sounds like he will try to cling on so you will have to be strong. Good luck!

Two months of NC for me and I still think of her every day too. But now at least it isn't all day every day! It does improve slowly with time and I agree that if you are still thinking of her a lot, then hold off contact until you can think about her with the emotions bubbling up. No idea when this will be, but I guess you will know when it is right. Hang in there - it's a bumpy ride!

I have toyed with the idea of maybe e-mailing my ex just to say that the lack of contact doesn't mean I didn't care about her, in fact it's the opposite and is the only way I can get through the split. She ended it, so I guess she may think I am 'punishing' her with my silence, making me a jerk and adding to the case against me! Whatever - it's over and nothing can bring it back. Hopefully the day will come when we can speak again without any 'baggage' getting in the way.

People always say I am quiet too - I like to think that when I do speak, it is because I have something worthwhile saying! Don't worry about it. I am shy too and have had to learn how to do 'small talk'. It's not that important to me, but for some people it is essential. Hence the conflict with your boyfriend I guess. Remember though that he probably really likes talking with you! Not saying anything can be taken as 'cold/defensive/negative' by others, even if you don't mean anything by it!

One bit of advice would be to occasionally try and verbalise your internal dialogue. What I mean is, if you are like me you are constantly 'talking' to your self anyway, so why drop some of these thoughts (selectively, you don't want to appear mad!) into conversations/silences rather than keeping them inside?

What are you passionate about? Music, art, books or film? I find it much easier to talk about the things I am interested in and have opinions about than 'just talking for the sake of it'. Others respond to this enthusiasm too and pretty soon you will have had a stimulating conversation without worrying about it! How about just exchanging a few words with shop assistants next time you go out? Nothing heavy required, no expectation of exciting discourse - it's the ideal environment to practise your small talk without pressure!

Hi WadeCure, I think her response was pretty clear: she reiterated the fact that she has chosen to break up with you, for her own reasons (whether or not they seem valid to you). In another post, I advised you not to send your first letter, suspecting that you actually wanted to get back with her and also that it could lead to more confusion and hurt. So I would definitely advise you NOT to send the second e-mail!

I know this situation is painful for you - it's similar to my own. But I have found that maintaining No Contact, while difficult, has been a key factor in getting over the break. And I am starting to feel better now, for the first time in two months. Take the excellent advice that others have given you in this thread and give yourself the time you need to get over it. Because you will feel better and you will find someone else more deserving of you.

Don't dwell on the negatives - I did that for two days after my girlfriend told me we were splitting (well, I had to ring her to find find out where we were after a two week 'break', only to find out that she had made her mind up and hadn't bothered telling me ). Funnily enough, mine was also something along the lines of 'we don't gel, it shouldn't be this much hard work, we're too different etc'. I was so upset, confused, hurt and angry, I kept going over everything that had happened, rexamining things. I quickly realised I would go mad if I kept doing that, so self-preservation made me accept that I hated it, but that I was going to have to accept it and move on with my life. Nothing I could do or say would get back what we once had. She had taken the decision to end the relationship on her own and I didn't agree with it. Without realising, I initiated No Contact and tried to come to terms with the loss on my own. It has been hard, but like others have said, soon you will realise that you have gone one hour, then two without thinking about her. And when you do think about her, the pain will subside, slowly.

So keep positive, get back with old friends, do stuff just for you and maintain No Contact!! It gets better one day at a time.

Well, you've sent the e-mail now and it didn't get bounced back, so assume it has arrived. If you have to be sure that she gets it, then get hold of her postal address (why don't you know what it is?!). She may never read it though, which goes back to my question about why you want to achieve by sending it in the first place.

Re-reading the letter, it seems clear you do not want to get back together with her but simply want to explain how the situation has made you feel and the high esteem you still have for her. Are you really sure you wouldn't get back with her if she phoned now and said it had been a mistake?! There are times when I have felt like this. But it doesn't stack up with the reality. She broke up with you, it's not something that's done lightly.

You may never be happy about the way it ended (I'm certainly not in my case), but I think you just have to accept it and move on. From my point of view, not contacting her at all has been painful, but seems to offer the best way to accept the situation, avoid complication and confusion and to start again. I was the one who still in love when it ended - it's difficult to fall out of love again. But I am slowly feeling better about things.

Confusedbloke, glad you agree! It is a surprisingly beautiful song that is starting to get lots of attention in the UK. It perfectly described how I felt when I broke up with my girlfriend. It also helped me realise that I had to move on emotionally, even though it was hard. Judging by listeners' responses when it is played on the radio, it is getting similar reactions from a lot of people.

I'm interested to know how the music of The Streets comes accross in Texas, and how you got to hear of them/him? Mike Skinner puts in a lot of cultural references to British urban life, and there's the accent too!

Just remembered that this song exactly described how I felt and helped me realise how I felt and what I had to do. I first heard it two weeks after my break up. I wanted to tell my ex that this is how it felt! I hope she has heard it.

The Streets are a UK group and this is on their new album A Grand Don't Come For Free. The verses are spoken and the chorus is sung.

THE STREETS

"Dry Your Eyes"

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round

I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground

Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down

World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown

Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us

I can change and I can grow or we could adjust

The wicked thing about us is we always have trust

We can even have an open relationship, if you must

I look at her she stares almost straight back at me

But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me

Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity

When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side

It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes

Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies

Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh

‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me

There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’

It weren't supposed to be easy, surely

Please, please, I beg you please

She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested

She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with

She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures

By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word

‘Cause everythin’s just gone

I’ve got nothin’

Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation

Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’

Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in

Look into her eyes to make her listen again

I’m not gonna f***in’, just f***in’ leave it all now

‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow

And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down

You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town

She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist

Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight

Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face

Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say

Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight

But the more I pull on your hand and say

The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now.

Try asking for work experience. Worked for me. Gets you that foot on the ladder.

You may also have to get further training, depending on which area you want to work in. But you will probably figure that out once you have some experience of work, what you do and don't like and where you want to go in life.

There are lots of careers books out there. Borrow 'What color is your parachute' from the library.

The Streets say it a thousand times better...

I never thought a pop song could touch me so directly. Still gives me goosebumps just reading it. It's on the new album, A Grand Don't Come for Free and will be the next single in the UK.

"Dry Your Eyes" - The Streets

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round

I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground

Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down

World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown

Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us

I can change and I can grow or we could adjust

The wicked thing about us is we always have trust

We can even have an open relationship, if you must

I look at her she stares almost straight back at me

But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me

Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity

When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side

It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes

Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies

Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh

‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me

There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’

It weren't supposed to be easy, surely

Please, please, I beg you please

She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested

She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with

She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures

By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word

‘Cause everythin’s just gone

I’ve got nothin’

Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation

Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’

Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in

Look into her eyes to make her listen again

I’m not gonna ***in’, just ***in’ leave it all now

‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow

And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down

You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town

She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist

Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight

Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face

Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say

Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight

But the more I pull on your hand and say

The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now.

Good letter - very similar to my own situation: fell in love fast, both clicked in a way we haven't before, but five months later she finished it in a way that seemed odd to me. So I have an idea of how you might be feeling.

Without realising it, I initiated No Contact after the break-up. To start with, I really wanted to tell her how the break made me feel, how wrong I thought she was, how we could work it out etc. I thought I would write this down in a letter. But I decided not to do it.

I realised that she had made up her mind and nothing I could say or do would change it. Any contact would only confuse things and cause me (and her) pain. There was no going back, we could never get back what we once had. I too find it very difficult to consider even talking to her at the moment - seeing her would be worse (especially with someone else). She hasn't contacted me either. What could we say?!

So unless you really do want to get back with her (is it realistic?), I would say that the only benefit of the letter is to get things off your chest and move on (which you acknowledge in the last paragraph). Which is kind of what you have done by sharing it with the forum. Maybe that will be enough? I don't know enough about your situation and you must do what feels right.

We may never get the 'closure' we are looking for until we accept the other person has fallen out of love with us and moved on. We should do the same, even if it is painful! Just takes time I guess...

How about taking your date to a place where you feel less pressure? Like a walk in the park, or something. Take her somewhere you feel comfortable and you may be able to cope with the fear stuff. She may appreciate going somewhere different. First dates are always nerve-wracking! Remember she will be nervous too, but is there because she wants to see you.