Day 1 again after making it 26 hours. I realized that I need to move. We share the same gym, I went at a different time than his usual but he must have been thinking the same thing in order to avoid me. After seeing his truck I texted, something jokingly at first, but it quickly turned into stupid, pathetic emo texts. To which he was cold and hardly said anything. I can tell he hates me and is beyond ever thinking we could reconcile.
Later in the day, I received a text from someone who I thought was a good "friend" saying that she doesn't want to talk to me ever again because she is sick of me being "drama" even though I contacted her ONCE when I was crying, yay fair-weather, crappy friends. Then everything hit me. In the last 3 weeks, I got rejected to PA school, failed the physical agility test for the fire department by 5 seconds, had added stress at my current job, failed my relationship and was heartbroken. I was staying strong, thinking these were all doors closed. I went to church in the last week and met with a church counselor. But then I realized I have no good friends.
Wow, it hit me. I started weeping uncontrollably, my chest became tight, I couldn't control my breathing. I was sent into my first ever, fully involved panic attack. My body just completely gave out. I became weak, lightheaded, and tingly secondary to my inability to breath. I prayed at the beginning of it, asking for God to keep me from getting worse, I asked him to give me a peace. But he didn't. Luckily, my mom had walked in. She put me in the car and just drove. Got me away from all of the reminders. Thank God for great moms.
I think at the beginning of it, I texted him. He never responded. I think maybe because he knew it would make it worse. I really tried not to contact him. One of the reasons why we broke up was due to the added stress I put on him while at work as a firefighter. But I felt like I was going insane. He didn't say or do anything, as expected. Later on he said "you are better than this". Whatever. Easy for him to say.
Anyways, I was brought to my uncle's house. I know we need to be NC. For both of us. Not even for a chance of reconciliation, since that is beyond ever happening. IF there were any chance, it would have to be after we both build ourselves back together and get whole. I'm trying. I think I'm doing pretty well considering all the failures I've had in the last month. But I will keep it up, counselor gave me homework to help me find a balance.
Today is a new day. I realized this will be harder than expected. I don't have the luxury of focusing on a good thing in my life because I have nothing. He has his job that he loves and a huge circle of friends. I have zero career, I tried and tried. I applied, worked for a horrible paying job that I thought would help my application look great for PA and Med school, and then I got rejected to school. I worked out religiously for months to prepare for the fire test. And I failed. I was okay with all of this. I never turned to drinking or promiscuity or anything negative. But WOW, this is getting WORSE!!! Now I can't even go to the gym without seeing him or having reminders. I used to love going, it was my safe place. Now it brings me hurt.
I need to move! And today, I am changing my phone number so that I can start over. I don't want anyone from his world contacting me. And I know he won't but at least with a new number and knowing he won't know it, I will not be looking at my phone hoping he contacts me. Unfortunately, I have his memorized, so it will be on me and my strength to maintain NC. I just keep thinking of the day I will see him with someone else and how bad it will hurt. Fortunately, he got rid of his FB months ago, and I have deactivated mine since we have so many mutual friends. I hope there will be a day that I will see him happy with someone else and I will be fine with it. I pray that I will have peace.
This whole thing sucks. Does anyone have a time machine? So I can go back 3 years and do things over or fast forward 6 months to a healed, whole me?!
