baybrat

I am married to the king of hobby obsessed men! He referes to his photography hobby as a "business" but it has only been in the "black" one year our of 6! Wait, is that the IRS knocking at the door? Seriously, when I wake up in the morning, he's in his little photography room (we refer to it as "the cave" because he seems to hibernate in there). When I come home from work, he's in there. He goes out there as soon as we're done with dinner. When we come home from an outing, he unlocks the door to the house so I can go in and then heads out to "the cave". Even holidays and family gatherings don't deter his behavior. He will abandon me with HIS relatives visiting and disappear into "the cave" for hours. On top of that!... he has to purchase every gadget and do-dad under the sun for this habit...eh, I mean hobby. The two issues combined have cause considerable damage to our marriage and our finances. (See my other post "I'm I Generous or Stupid?".) I now know the answer to that question... I'm Stupid. We've had numerous "talks" about what this "business" is doing to our relationship. He SAYS that he understands. He SAYS that he will make adjustments. However, actions speak louder... he spends just as many hours and dollars as ever. We've even spent the past 6 months in counseling over this and other issues! Nothing I say seems to make a difference.

I think this is what I'm going to end up doing. It just gets so complicated... and I have to be careful about how I try to make him "responsible" or else I end up shooting myself in the foot. Let me mention again a detail that may have been lost in my previous post, he does have a "regular" job... he has a regular, if modest income with zero benefits (so I end up providing all those too). The thing is, it does cost "US" about $300 a month in nothing but interest. He can't get a loan or another card that will have interest as low as mine... so by holding out and not helping him, I still have this excessive interest payment coming out of our combined household income. If we were talking about "his money" vs "my money" and we lived in a rental house or appartment, it would be a whole lot easier to just leave. But he's on the deed as of the last time I refinanced, and also on the mortgage (not because I needed him to get it, I included him so he'd feel like it was his home too, and it would help him repair his credit rating that was trashed by his first marriage). After all, the reason I had to refinance was to cover the $30,000 of debt he caused me to accumulate by not working for almost a year... I didn't really want to take it off his hands completely. All of you that said that I need to fix myself are right. I need to take a stand and put my foot down. I'm just so co-dependent that it kills me to make someone mad at me. I don't understand where this comes from... or even if knowing where it comes from would help me overcome it. I seriously need individual therapy... but I can't afford it.

shadows_light, this is exactly how I feel "Look at all I do or did for you.. and what do I get." You are right about my co-dependent behavior, I became aware of it 10 years ago while married to my first husband. I let them both get away with far too much and then I end up resenting them. The reason I'm trying to be "nice" about ending the relationship is... and I know this doesn't make sense... but it kills me to have someone mad at me. To feel like I'm doing something wrong and hurting someone... it suddenly makes me feel like a little kid again that's in trouble. I know logically that upsetting someone is not going to cause my world to come to an end... at least, I think I know that. I just can't bear to be seen as unfair or mean. Other people obviously don't have this problem. Why is it so huge for me?

I told my husband that I don't love him. Last year I told him that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I won't have sex with him... haven't in almost a year. I'm not emotionally intimate with him. Why does he insist that we stay together? If it was money, he's just about spent it all. Why would a man WANT to stay with a woman that doesn't love him? Why doesn't he want more? This makes no sense to me. Wouldn't he want a wife that's going to actually be a wife?

Melrich, your quote "We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage." speaks volumes to me. I thought I was helping him out, believing that after I got him on his feet that he would step up and be what I thought I saw in him. I think "helping" him was only "enabeling" him. Now it's too little too late for him to do anything to fix things.

Sure I can relate mynatasha. Here's a big fat juicy secret that no one on earth knows about... last year I signed up on link removed to see what was out there. I actually went "shopping" for another man. I never met anyone... but I did email a few guys. That all stopped when hubby and I started going to counseling 6 months ago. I discovered tho that it's not about me finding someone better... I just need to be free of this burden

Rose, I see you have noted "55 days seperation"... did you leave your husband? How'd you do it?

I understand the detachment... I've practiced it myself. I used to need anti-depressants to achieve it, but now I can manage it on my own. I just don't want to go on living this way. It's like I'm just letting life waste away... waiting to get thru another set of circumstances... hoping I can hold my breath long enough.

Do you not feel like that anymore mynatasha? Hell on earth I mean.

The kids are a disaster (they are between 14 and 18 ). I had 2, he had 1 going into this relationship. We don't have any together. The "all sorts of weird rules for my kids" sounds so familiar! He's like a tyrant. And his child always had good intentions or didn't mean it when she misbehaved. Mine were always out to get him when they did something wrong... it was a personal act of defiance against him. Now, his child hasn't spoken to any of us (including him) in 4 years. My oldest moved in with her dad last year and isn't speaking to us. There is one child left in our home. If anything happens to my relationship with her, I just couldn't go on living.

A mediator would be great if there was one available around here. I live in the deep south... it's only 1950 here. Just having someone to sit down with and that would say that I have a valid reason for wanting out of this marriage would be wonderful. You know, now that I think about it... that's what I'm waiting for. Someone to say to my husband, "you messed up. You've been disrespectful and irresponsible and you wife has valid reasons for leaving you." And in a perfect world, my husband would agree and leave peacefully.

mynatasha, do you have children? If so, does you big bully husband bully them as well?

Good point itsallgrand. I realize I do have a problem. After all, we all teach others how to treat us, don't we? We're going to counseling together but I'm not in love with him any longer. I know it died a long time ago. I have convinced myself that I want to be alone. However, I have no idea what that's like. I've been married or living with someone my entire adult life. I have no extended family... no one that can help me out if needed. If I leave him I'll be completely alone. But I've got myself believing it's worth it. Is it better to be alone or with someone and miserable?

I've been married this time 8 years (17 years the first time). Obviously I make poor choices in men. We've been in counseling for 6 months working on teaching him not to be such a bully. Now, within the past few days he's brought his financial mess to light. I have a previous post titled "Am I being generous or stupid?" I feel like I just give, give, give to him and he still has the audacity to treat me like all I do is annoy him. I've been his doormat for far too long but I just don't think I can bear another divorce like my last one. It happened 10 years ago and is still tearing up my life.

Has anyone out there done it? What's your advice? I'm not a fighter. I'm very non-confrontational. As a result I get walked on and taken advantage of. I need to get out of this marriage. I need a plan.