Signs You're Not Too Nice - It's Your Trauma (Fawning)

Are you desperate for approval from family and friends? Are you finding that even when someone insults or hurt you, you still try to be nice? You might be suffering from something called "trauma fawning."

Trauma fawning is a common symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It is an unconscious coping mechanism in which people who have experienced trauma seek validation and approval by being excessively kind and giving to those who have hurt them in the past. Trauma fawning can hinder people's ability to make healthy relationships with others in the future, and it can also prevent them from feeling good about themselves.

Those suffering from trauma fawning may agree wholeheartedly with the opinions of others, even if they do not feel or believe them. They can smile when they are hurting, or be willing to forgive and overlook even the most damaging of slights. For victims of trauma, it can become a habit to bend over backwards to please, while quietly enduring the pain within.

Trauma fawning can manifest in all areas of life – from work, relationships and parenting to social settings and friendships. To recognize trauma fawning in yourself, you must be aware of your own feelings and needs. Do you find yourself feeling insignificant or less than others? Do you put up with abusive behavior from those close to you? Are you constantly trying to win over those who criticize or take advantage of you?

Recognizing you may be suffering from trauma fawning is the first step towards overcoming it. Begin by reflecting on your emotions and deciding if and how you need to prioritize them. Often victims of trauma fawning are too scared or ashamed to acknowledge their hurt feelings, but once they do they can start learning how to accept and appreciate their real selves.

Be honest with yourself and those around you. Maybe it's time to learn how to say no without feeling guilty or obligated. You don't have to explain yourself; asserting your desires respectfully should be enough. Self-compassion is key––start taking into account your needs and feelings before trying to meet the needs of others.

It is important to remind yourself that it is OK to make mistakes, or that things don't always have to go your way. Next time someone near you criticizes you, don't take their words to heart; instead, focus on what qualities make you deserving of acknowledgment and appreciation. Remind yourself of these qualities regularly and practice self-affirmation as often as possible.

Surround yourself with people who will support and celebrate your successes, not bring you down. It might also help to talk openly about your traumatic experiences with a therapist or a support group. Working through your trauma can help reduce PTSD symptoms, such as trauma fawning.

Having a network of people who understand your pain can also make all the difference in helping you build healthier relationships. Most importantly, learn to accept yourself: doing so will give you strength, courage and perspective to combat trauma fawning in the future.