Holding out is hard, but worth it

Hi,

My "relationship" just ended mostly because I was not ready for sex and he had been ready since the beginning. He did treat me well and tried to do his best to make me happy, but something was still missing and I didn't feel a connection. He claimed that sex would help the connection and help him open up more, which I thought was backwards.

I tried to reassure him that I was attracted to him and liked him, but wanted to get to know him better and solidify other aspects of the relationship, since I'd rushed into sex before. But, of course, he took that to mean that something was wrong with me and that it meant we shouldn't be dating. He ultimately said that the only way to keep his attention was to sleep with him, which was very hurtful, so I told him off. All in all, I'm glad I waited, because it revealed that he didn't regard me as much as he should have or just valued his libido more, which shows his top head was only thinking of his lower head.

Can other men relate to this and would you rather distance yourself from someone or stay and stick it out and figure out what needs to be done to get your partner to a more comfortable place? What do ya'll think?

Thanks,

Kaboom ](*,)

I'm glad you went with your gut and didn't cave.

It is true that men do open up more emotionally after sex.

The way he put it though, sounds like he just wasn't willing to respect you and wait.

May I ask how old you and he are?

i wrote a response in the other post

Hi,

 

He ultimately said that the only way to keep his attention was to sleep with him, which was very hurtful, so I told him off.

Good for you. If I truly was in love with a girl and could see myself with her long term, I would never say what he said to you. Waiting for sex is a dealbreaker for some people though. He certainly didn't show very much tact or class.

Probably for the best - your views on things were probably too incompatible...and my feeling this wasn't the only issue.

We're both early 30s, so not youngsters by far. I guess that's part of why I like to wait these days, cuz I've had my wild and crazy sex-filled escapades and didn't get much from them. That is news to me that men open up more emotionally after sex, but actually he had already said he loved me a while back, although he still seemed pretty closed off to me in general. Saying that seemed premature along w/him expecting sex so soon. I just want someone who realizes my worth and appreciates the fact I don't want to just jump in the sack w/them from the start.

How long were you with him?

We met in December '07, but there was about a two month break in there. We definitely would have had sex by now, but he just couldn't see past the absense of sex long enough to do what was needed to get there.

How long was your relationship?

it sounds like, if this guy was worth it, you would have had sex. He wasnt', so you didn't and its done.

i re-read your post, you were asking for a male point of view. Sorry about that.

I guess I should also add an important detail I forgot and never told him either. I've been celibate for a while and I think that makes me even more particular about who I sleep with after what is like a second virginity. I'm interested in the female perspective too!

We met in December '07, but there was about a two month break in there. We definitely would have had sex by now, but he just couldn't see past the absense of sex long enough to do what was needed to get there.

Here is what I sense from your post.

You were using sex as a bargaining tool. A big No No. You stated above that sex was probally a possbility. But certain things had to happen from him for it to take place. I would have walk away also.

Nothing wrong with waiting as long as it is done in the right way.

I don't think anyone should ever be pressured into sex.

When it's right, it's right.

 

It is true that men do open up more emotionally after sex.

 

QUOTE]

 

Vast generalization of men. Just an FYI.

 

It is true that men do open up more emotionally after sex.

 

QUOTE]

 

Vast generalization of men. Just an FYI.

 

You are the 2nd man to say this.

 

I think a lot of woman are afraid that once they sleep with a man, the relationship could end.

Here is what I sense from your post.

 

You were using sex as a bargaining tool. A big No No. You stated above that sex was probally a possbility. But certain things had to happen from him for it to take place. I would have walk away also.

 

Nothing wrong with waiting as long as it is done in the right way.

Well, since he wanted sex so badly and it often came up, that's why I would let him know what was needed to get there. Otherwise, I would have probably waited to see what he would do first.

Here is what I sense from your post.

 

You were using sex as a bargaining tool. A big No No. You stated above that sex was probally a possbility. But certain things had to happen from him for it to take place. I would have walk away also.

 

Nothing wrong with waiting as long as it is done in the right way.

i'd have to disagree strongly with what you are saying.

i'd have to disagree strongly with what you are saying.

Thats fine, please explain.

What were you waiting for? Were you not in love with him?

EDIT: Nevermind....I re-read your OP, and you said you were waiting for a connection...my bad

Thats fine, please explain.

i don't see what is wrong with her wanting to wait to have sex with him until she felt comfortable. i think it was extremely immature of him to leave because she wouldn't put out for him. she didn't feel a connection with him...and that's that. she wanted to give the relationship time to see if a connection could be had. he didn't feel like hanging around, which clearly shows that he had one thing on his mind.

i don't see what is wrong with her wanting to wait to have sex with him until she felt comfortable. i think it was extremely immature of him to leave because she wouldn't put out for him. she didn't feel a connection with him...and that's that. she wanted to give the relationship time to see if a connection could be had. he didn't feel like hanging around, which clearly shows that he had one thing on his mind.

Agree with this...

My only question is why she stayed with him so long is there was no connection, UNLESS she thought there COULD be...

First of all there is no such thing as a second virginity. If he knew that you had sex with men before him then it must have been very difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that you didn't want to have sex with him. No matter how you put that to him it will have been taken as a rejection.

But you should also accept that, just as you have an absolute right not to have sex in a relationship before you are ready, he has an absolute right to walk away from a relationship if he is not getting what he wants from it. It is easy to make that tired old joke about thinking with this head or that head - but that is demeaning to him. And I doubt if you would like it if he called you frigid, for instance.

The bottom line is that you had your timeline just as he had his - and he has as much a right to his as you do to yours. It is as disrespectful to him saying that he was immature for not wanting to wait as it would be for someone calling you immature for wanting to.

The word 'immature' is too readily used - usually when someone doesn't do what you want them to do.

i see where you are coming from, however, don't you find it a bit horrible that he told her that the only way to keep his attention was to sleep with him??

and the bottom line is that if he had any feelings for her...serious feelings for her, he wouldn't have walked away.

 

You are the 2nd man to say this.

 

I think a lot of woman are afraid that once they sleep with a man, the relationship could end.

 

What were you waiting for? Were you not in love with him?

 

First, I'm not afraid of a man leaving once I sleep with them, because I plan to hopefully know enough about their character before I sleep with them which is more of the reason I wait. Also, I wasn't in love w/him and don't think I can truly be within months. But I don't have to be in love to have sex, just feel a certain connection that I didn't w/him, because he was holding back too since we weren't having sex. We had a different outlook on the situation, which I thought could be rectified, but guess not.

I don't think it was the right way to handle it. But basically, he said what he needed for the relationship to continue. He certainly isn't a master of tact and diplomacy - but I suspect that is a two way street.

And I don't agree about having serious feelings and not walking away. Again, that is a two-edged sword because he could equally well answer that if she had serious feelings for him she would have slept with him by now.