Today was a bad day i noticed. I have been reading so many posts this week on ENA..almost as if i was addicted. When time passed i could feel me getting stronger here and there reading about so many stories and insights.
Today was a bad day, because i started a ' ready for love' -course. With all the things i have been doing the last few months i realised that i had a lot of issues to overcome..and starting this NC was all about getting ME back. So starting this course brought out a lot of pain and new insights. Got i have so much work to do...i really handled a lot of things wrong..totally lost me..
I could not kill the urge to go to a website i knew my ex had been on 1,5 month after we split up. Well..it so happened he was online. I looked at his picture...i looked at him almost without any feelings...no secretly maybe a bit happy even..Him being there means that he is not in a commited rels ship yet and still just browsing or flirting..and this 3 months later.. But i promised myself not to go there again. it is my last time. Dont want to see him having been offline for a few weeks or so.
I just notice that it is hard to keep myself positively occupied with other stuff..i need a new hobby..but what?..I have always put someone else in the middle of my world..and now that there is just me..i dont know what to do...
The answer will come i guess..... learning and growings s**ks..can i have the finished product right now please
But there's one important insight i have realised this week. I have been acting like a ' girl' and not a ' woman' . Having had a real selfish, basic need fullfilling, seeking temporary fixes, fear controlled way of living....and me not letting go has been the ultimate proof of that..
On to week 2..see what i will learn there..