Afraid of being hurt again...

[thegirl_00]

I just got out of a 1 year relationship a week ago. I broke up with him because he cheated on me and too much damage had been done. Now only 2 days after I broke up with him i swear i found the man of my dreams. We've hung out everyday for the past 5 days, hes met all my friends and they all love him and he even told all my friends that hes afraid cuz he's falling for me so fast.

 

he just got out of a serious relationship as well and we're both very afraid of the way we feel towards each other. I'm finding myself being very intimidated as he's a professional athlete, very handsome, nice, loyal and everything else u can imagine. I dont want to feel this way because I want to give him a fair chance, but I still feel traumatized from my last relationship and am so afraid of getting my heart broken again.

 

Just looking for tips on how to feel less insecure. I already find myself wondering if this new guy is just here to screw me over and I'm going to scare him away if i keep acting this way. Advice would be greatly appreciated

[friscodj]

Hey thegirl_20-

 

I think more importantly than looking for tips on how to feel less insecure, look at the reality of the situation...

 

The reality here is that you don't really know this guy! You've spent 5 days with him! You may think you know him but in the beginning like this, and especially after the both of you just got out of serious heart-wrenching relationships when your heart is still tenderized things can very, very easily look a lot better than what they really are and have grandiose hopes as to what they will become.

 

Right now, you guys are both in the "honeymoon phase" with this and in the "vulnerable post-break-up phase" no matter how great this situation looks. Don't kid yourselves...

 

But this is life and we never get a perfectly set-up situation under perfect individual circumstances. You can't just let this go, right? The timing is what it is. Just keep in mind the realities here that you don't know him at all yet and you are extra hopeful, healing from some damage, and vulnerable. Use your head more than your heart with this one.

[thegirl_00]

Well we both agreed that we should not rush things, and my head is telling me to give it sometime because in the state of mind im in I think getting involved with this guy might cause more damage then create any good. I don't want to stop being his friend though. Should i just stop hanging out with him for awhile?

[friscodj]

Well we both agreed that we should not rush things, and my head is telling me to give it sometime because in the state of mind im in I think getting involved with this guy might cause more damage then create any good. I don't want to stop being his friend though. Should i just stop hanging out with him for awhile?

 

This is a tough one...

 

First of all, ask yourself, can you really be "just friends" with this guy? Would this involve repressing feelings for him? Do you think that would get weird?

 

And my experience tells me "agreements" like this made under the conditions you both are under right now and given your perception of this guy really become difficult to stick to...

 

Secondly, one week removed from a 1 year relationship is nothing, especially given the circumstances you described. You will have to grieve and process that situation which in my estimation will not only take several months (just an estimate using my experience with the circumstances you presented) but likely hasn't really started happening yet. My experience tells me the first few days, even a week or so, removed from a long relationship actually feels numb or pretty good, perhaps from the shock of the separation no matter how much preparation was done ahead of time. You're going to suffer the grief from this break up and will do so overlapping your budding feelings for this new guy. That's like mixing baking soda and vinegar...

 

I personally think you both are not ready to be dating now. This is a classic rebound situation that is destined for disaster I think.

 

But I also think you should take some time with this and listen to yourself vs. any Internet stranger (or anyone else for that matter) here. This might work out and at the very least you will learn a lot about yourself, life, and emotions in the process and/or develop a lasting friendship here. Plus, this wisdom you will gain here no matter what is invaluable to apply to any relationship you'll have in the future.

[ghost69]

give it time. let yourself open up again.