Not sure what this means

[jdhas]

I could spend hours going over the details of this, but, really, my question is pretty simple:

 

What does it mean when a woman you have been seeing fairly steadily (twice a week, including once each weekend) for more than a month says to you, after spending MANY nights together, "I'm not ready to have you spend the night tomorrow"???

 

Any thoughts would be MOST welcome!

 

Thanks!

-C

[Jayar]

By "spending the night" do you mean sex? If so, the only reason I can think of why a woman would say that at approximately the "just over one month" mark is because she knows her period is coming... Remember, if she happened to be on her period shortly after you started dating (and assuming you didn't sleep together right away, with her being on her period) right about now would be the time she'd be having her period again.

 

JMO.

[SeaBisquit]

it could mean alot of things. she's on her period or she's not ready to have sex yet. talk to her about it and make her feel more comfortable with it. sometimes just talking things over will help alot.

[jdhas]

We've had sex many times, and I do suspect she may be having her period (considering that she clearly wasn't the past three weekends). I had, frankly, forgotten that some women like to be left alone during that.

 

This seems like a far more reasonable reason than, oh, I don't know, what my sick and twisted mind was interpreting as she-talk for: "Yes, I want you to drive 30 minutes out of your way to have dinner and cuddle on the couch with me, but I really want nothing else to do with you, now or ever...."

 

Thanks!

 

(PS -- I'm new around here, but from what I have seen this seems like a great community! Thanks for the input and for making me feel welcome!)

[Jayar]

We've had sex many times, and I do suspect she may be having her period (considering that she clearly wasn't the past three weekends). I had, frankly, forgotten that some women like to be left alone during that.

 

This seems like a far more reasonable reason than, oh, I don't know, what my sick and twisted mind was interpreting as she-talk for: "Yes, I want you to drive 30 minutes out of your way to have dinner and cuddle on the couch with me, but I really want nothing else to do with you, now or ever...."

 

Thanks!

 

(PS -- I'm new around here, but from what I have seen this seems like a great community! Thanks for the input and for making me feel welcome!)

 

 

As an aside, if it's not something you'd be bothered by, many women DO want to spend time with their partners during their time of the month. They don't want to ASK and then be rejected, but if it's something that comes up in conversation, let her know you're not averse to it.

 

Good luck!

[jdhas]

As an aside, if it's not something you'd be bothered by, many women DO want to spend time with their partners during their time of the month. They don't want to ASK and then be rejected, but if it's something that comes up in conversation, let her know you're not averse to it.

 

Good luck!

 

Interesting point, Jayar. I'll try to delicately ask what's going on when I see her tomorrow. She wants me to come down for dinner and couch cuddling, which certainly seems like a good sign.

 

As an aside of my own, what is a good time-line for the whole 'we're seeing each other exclusively' conversation? There has certainly been no discussion as to anything otherwise (and, for my part, there hasn't BEEN anything otherwise), but I feel like this should be something said and discussed rather than assumed.

[Jayar]

As an aside of my own, what is a good time-line for the whole 'we're seeing each other exclusively' conversation? There has certainly been no discussion as to anything otherwise (and, for my part, there hasn't BEEN anything otherwise), but I feel like this should be something said and discussed rather than assumed.

 

DEFINITELY said and discussed, not assumed! Assuming leads to hurt feelings... So you're on the right track there. If I am seeing a guy and he wants to be exclusive, it's always nice if he says delicately (possibly after a night of intimacy?) that he feels like he could be very happy if I was the only person he was ever with, and how do I feel about that... Then gauge her reaction to that.

 

Be forewarned, IF she had assumed that you two were exclusive, this could spin her for a loop and she may say something like "I thought I already was!" Just reassure her (if it's the case) that she is, and you couldn't imagine being with anyone since you started seeing her, but wanted to make sure she was on the same page.

 

My point is, it is ALWAYS nicer and more romantic (in my own opinion anyway) if HE presents it like he wants exclusivity because I'm all he needs/wants, rather than if he presents it like he hopes I'm not with anyone else, implying that either I'm "not a nice girl" or that he is claiming his territory.

 

How does that sound?

[jdhas]

Jayar: you're good! I like how you put that, and will see if I can put it to use during some wonderful cuddling tomorrow night. (I'm writing it on my arm so I can quote you.... )

 

My main concern, here -- and I know how naive this sounds -- is that I am moving too fast or coming on too strong. Is a month too soon to even be bringing this up? We did have a conversation two weeks ago in which she alluded to the fact that she had been single for a while, and was a bit 'freaked out' by 'things' with 'us.' Most of what I gathered from her concerns where that I knew her for her before making any decisions about her -- she talked about how she had been on her 'best behavior' in dates previously, as opposed to the fact that she is usually a sarcastic, teasing woman (qualities that I adore in her). I did not get the impression from this conversation that she was in any way not interested in 'things' with 'us,' however -- more that, possibly, she had (as I intuited only ... she didn't say anything of the sort) had been hurt in the past, or was worried about being hurt, or something like that.

 

Anyways, we had this conversation, then continued to have an amazing night together (though she did say that she was even more 'freaked out' after we were done talking, which I think she meant to be a good thing, at least in terms of her feelings for me, if that makes any sense). It hasn't come up since.

 

Clearly, there does need to be some sort of 'checking in on us' type of conversation tomorrow, but, again, is it 'too soon' to being up the 'exclusivity' topic?

 

Thanks!

-j

[Jayar]

LOL thanks, you will have to let us all know how it goes, okay?

 

One month isn't too soon. It's enough time to know that you'd like to focus on her completely, and be at the point you are hoping she feels the same. It's also soon enough that if you've got different ideas, you can deal with it now (even if it means going separate ways) without TOO MUCH being invested. Anywhere between a month and about three months is probably good. Much sooner than that, I'd be wondering what exactly it is he is so smitten with?! Much later and I'd have already branded him a player/go-nowhere in my own mind and, if I hadn't cut him loose completely I'd be thinking about doing it any time by then.

 

As far as what she is saying, it sounds like she is fishing for reassurance from you, but by the same token trying to present herself as non-desperate as possible. Make sense? It's kinda like, we've all been hurt, but rather than her saying to you "look you better not hurt me because I am fragile" she is saying "well I don't really have that much invested in you anyway, so if you don't pick me I'll be fine" (to which she in all likelihood wants you to respond "no I pick you! Please be serious/exclusive with me!")

 

Okay I get it, we're confusing...

 

The way you will know her TRUE feelings behind what she is saying is by how she reacts to your exclusivity schpeal. Someone who REALLY doesn't see a future with you will react negatively. If she reacts positively, almost like it was the welcome reassurance she was hoping to hear since she started seeing you, then you can safely bet she was just putting on a front.

 

Nothing is certain in life besides death, taxes, and the fact that a woman who has been hurt in the past will try to come off like she's the most secure, never-gonna-be-hurt-again-cuz-he-means-nothing-to-me female that ever walked the earth.

[jdhas]

Yes, you are all very confusing, but that's okay...so are we!

 

I am glad to hear that you don't think one month is too soon (particularly since we've been quite intimate -- I suppose that if, after one month, we had not had sex or slept with each other, it would possibly be a different story) to have the 'I want to be exclusive' conversation. Looking back, in all of my past 'serious' relationships, this has always just sort of been assumed, rather than actually discussed. It certainly never led to problems, since we were both clearly assuming the same thing (that we were 'exclusive'), but I think that, in this case in particular, it's worth discussing.

 

I mean, the simple fact that she began the whole 'talk' we had last time with the phrase "I've been single for a long time," brings up the fact that she's considering not being single any more and may, in fact, be interested in not being single any more (hopefully with me!)...right...?

 

At the end of the day, of course, this is even more confusing, considering that we met on a certain online dating site that is meant to find your 'soul mate' for you...you know, someone with whom you will live in 'harmony.' This is why I found it odd that she was bringing this up, since she had clearly 'put herself out there' to change her single status, you know?

 

But your comments about the fact that she may have been fishing for something are interesting, and certainly jibe with the fact that she was relieved (and 'more freaked out,' but again in what I perceived as a good way, considering that we ended up spending the night together) after our last 'talk.' She's certainly not the kid of person I would ever expect to drop subtle hints like this, though -- she is almost impossibly direct -- but your point about the fact that a woman who has been hurt in the past will try to come off like she's the most secure, never-gonna-be-hurt-again-cuz-he-means-nothing-to-me female that ever walked the earth may have something to do with that....

 

I feel sort of weird doing this, but this is exactly what she said, in regards to our plans for tomorrow evening, a date we made when I dropped her off after spending more than 26 hours together this past weekend:

 

I would love to see you tomorrow night and hope you'll come over but I need to ask that we each sleep in our own beds. I'm not ready to have you spend the night tomorrow; I hope you can understand and won't hold it against me. If you don't want to make the trek in for just a few hours of eating and curling up on the couch, I'll understand.

 

I guess the fact that I am so concerned about all of this is entirely because I really am 'into' this woman, and want to continue to get to know her, and get closer to her. I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else right now, and I like how that feels, even though it does freak me out, too (we've all been hurt, right?).

[ghost69]

she probably wants to spend time with you without bangin. she wants to see if you have the feelings too.

[jdhas]

Can it really be that simple? Why not just say that, rather than being quite to standoffish? It just seems, to my mind, to communicate something more about her interest level in me and us, I guess....