Breakup finally happened....

[LovinIt]

Well, I just posted a few days ago, stating that a breakup might be in order for my boyfriend of a year, and I. I have been contemplating the issue for the last few days, becoming more annoyed with him, and more frustrated with the way things have been going. This morning, we woke up and he had a work thing to do. So i ran errands, and then upon completing them, I decided him and I would go to lunch....after calling, he tells me that he has already eaten lunch out. I became extremely irritated, not so much that he had eaten without me, but moreover that I had it in my mind that we would meet, it is not his fault...

We started fighting over the phone, and then it all came out. How I felt about him holding my cheating over my head, how no matter what lies hes told, he would always be up one because I cheated, which was worse. I think a lot of things were said, about how he cant see a long long term relationship with me right now..etc. I asked him what the point of working on issues, or rebuilding trust would be, if in the end, we would not be together. I said, it was better off just being over...and he agreed.

We plan on having a nice dinner Sunday, to talk some more things through, and exchange stuff that we have of each other's. I guess in a way, its closure. This happened a half hour ago, and he has already called me twice, saying he is scared/confused/not feeling right/sad etc. He is not sure he really wants to break up.

In a way, it feels very weird, perhaps not so much right now, because the reality has not hit home, that I am no longer his girlfriend, but no matter what, I think him and I definitely need time apart. Maybe to see the good in each other, and get past all the issues that have been plaguing our relationship since Day 1. I think we need a chance to remember what we truly love about each other, rather than what we hate...which is all we have been doing. Nothng is forever right? right now is not the time for us. Any ideas on how to cope??

[Dateagain]

Please read this post by Superdave, and cancel the Sunday dinner. So sorry you are hurting, hugs!

 

Hello all my friends at eNotAlone,

 

I have been reading thread after thread and I see that several newbies out there are really hurting an may not understand what NC (no contact) is about and the reasoning behind it.

 

First of all, if you are reading this...I want to be very clear that though this method helps YOU begin to heal....this is BY NO MEANS..the way to get your ex back. If there were a magic formula to get your ex back into your life and arms again....it would have already been published and the author a trillionare.

 

** There is NO GUARANTEED WAY TO GET YOUR EX BACK...but there are ways to guarantee they will NEVER come back. Big difference. **

 

 

 

What is No contact and what is its main purpose?

 

 

No contact is a way of healing yourself...plain and simple. By not contacting your ex in anyway allows you time for a few things:

 

1. Reflecting on what went wrong (How can you fix something if you don't know what is broken.)

 

2. Did the relationship deteriorate over time? Were there warning signs you ignored?

 

3. Grieving. This allows you to accept the lonely feelings and sadness naturally rather than trying to put on a happy face and be crumbling on the inside.

 

4. Work on yourself. Self improvement is a good thing. Make sure you use your time wisely. The way I see (take it or leave it) work on your INSIDE first. Try to deal with all the different emotions your going through and try to sort them out the best you can. After a few weeks, start working on YOU in general. (Workout..take up a hobby, write that symphony you always wanted to...etc etc)

 

 

I found that when I was going through the same experinces you might be right now...It was hard to get my mind off my ex. I coudl NOT stop thinking of her. Day in and day out...It was a living nightmare. It affected my work, my friend, my sleeping habits, my eating habits and everything else for that matter.

 

 

**Word to the wise**

 

We all love our ex's...that is a given. If heartbreak was easy...there would be no need for us to be here writing advice. Take it one day at a time. Do you best to accept it for what it is. The more you think they are coming back...the more you will never move forward. **

 

 

The above statement DOES NOT imply they will never come back....NO WAY! People reconcile all the time. You can to..my point is simple, I would let go of the fantasy of getting back together UNTIL you see signs that they WANT TO RECONCILE.

 

 

In my experience, before I started No contact with my ex, she would call me on the phone and we would talk. I of course would be what I call a "gusher". A gusher (my terminology) is someone that takes ANY opportunity to tell their ex all the mushy stuff you did when you were a couple. DON'T DO IT!! Take it from a pro...The only thing it does it make you look weak and needy.

 

Because of my healing and experience in this area, I tend to put myself in my ex's shoes. If you were dating someone you really knew wasn't going to pan out in the long run....would you want them to beg you for a second chance? Would you want drunken text messages in the middle of the night? Would you IM them constantly "just to say hi?". NO WAY! It would upset me...it would make me think that breaking up with them, even if I was hesitant about it, was the best thing after such behavior. Why add fuel to the fire. BACK OFF....WAAAAAAAY OFF.

 

 

Some will argue that No contact is NOT THE ANSWER....I agree. There is NO ONE WAY of doing something. NC, in my opinion, helps heal you. I don't care what your situation...you will heal. I know it's hard but when you start to let go of the notion of "getting back together"...the better.

 

Some have even argued that NC is cruel when applied to your ex's. I DISAGEE 100000%. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM...ITS ABOUT YOU.

I would NEVER in my life intentionaly hurt anyone...BUT I COME FIRST. Some would call it arrogance...some selfish...I call it confidence. If I am feeling down in the dumps and want to feel better...am I worried about what my ex would think? NO WAY! It is all about me right now.

 

The day your ex let you go, you have NO CLAIM TO THEM OR ANY OF THE PERKS YOU HAD WHILE IN THE RELATIONSHIP....so don't assume you do. Your membership has been revoked...so to speak. The moment you assume "We were together 2 or more years.." you are only fooling yourself. I don't care if you were a couple 2 weeks...or 25 years...to me it makes NO DIFFERENCE.

 

 

NEVER be rude or harsh to an ex. There is no need to be hateful. Most harsh words are not made out of anger...but out of rejection. We all hate rejection, whether it be from a job interview or a relationship...it can be upsetting. Don't do anything you will regret when you have a moment to THINK about what you did. If you scream or yell and have a fit in front of you ex, you can pretty much assume that they will start to use the word "CRAZY" when they refer to you. You have been warned.

 

 

If you still have a bit of contact with your ex and they open up about the relationship a bit...listen. DO NOT SUFFER FROM THE INFAMOUS DREADED

"WHAT DID THEY MEAN BY THAT?" syndrom...PUSH THAT GARBAGE OUT OF YOUR HEAD...you will look like a hamster on its wheel...spinning and spinning and going NO WHERE....DON'T DO IT! You are wasting thoughts and time. Let it go.

 

If someone tells you "I wanna breakup"....THEY MEAN I DON'T WANNA DATE YOU....if they say "I need some time..." THEY DON'T WANNA DATE YOU"....If they say "I don't wanna see you anymore"..THEY DON'T WANNA DATE YOU...If they say "I met someone else." THEY DON'T WANNA DATE YOU! I hope I made myself perfectly clear on this one.

 

In the moment of a breakup....reality hits hard and most of us, like myself, are or have been in disbelief. The first words out of my mouth was "You're kidding right?"...Um..no she wasn't. I didn't believe it even after she left..I didn't believe it the next day..I didn't believe it the day after that....when she started seeing someone else....I sadly believed it.

 

**DO NOT....I REPEAT...DO NOT assume they are kidding or will call you the next day sobbing sayin they love you and made a mistake.**

 

 

Making such an assumption is monumentally a BAD idea. If someone says "I think we should break up"...believe it. Even if they did call you the next day or two and say ...let's try again...you better believe there is SOMETHING wrong in your current relationship that needs to be fixed BADLY! Why? Because if they had the notion that they wanted to break up with you....they THOUGHT ABOUT IT IN ADVANCE almost 99% of the time. There are exceptions such as a huge fight (or row for my english friends) and things are said out of hurt. Been there ..done that. The next day after everyone has calmed down...you say your sorries and you move on.

 

 

What if my ex tries to contact me?

 

 

This depends on how you feel. If your ex tried to communicate with you..you can guarantee one of four things is going thru their heads.

 

1.) Guilt for hurting you

 

2.) Honestly caring about how you are doing because they love you but are not IN love with you.

 

3.) Are going to try and keep a friendship with you...despite the fact that you feel as if you were not good enough to date.

 

4.) Need to finalize some unfinished relationship business ( I need my stuff sorta thing.)

 

 

 

DO NOT be confused that communication is a GOOD THING. WRONG!!!! It can be, but do NOT confuse communication for reconciliation. BIG NO NO!!

 

Alot of us have made the mistake of telling an ex "How can you do this to me"...or even worse "to us"....Don't be dramatic! Have some pride. Have some self dignity! I know it hurts..I KNOW THE PAIN is unbearable but DO YOUR BEST to keep your self worth INTACT. Walk away from anger and revenge and all the hurtful thoughts of hurting yourself or worse....

 

Leave that garbage alone! The moment you have those notions in your head that "If I do ....they will come back"...WRONG!!!

 

You are soooo selling yourself short and will look like a dayum fool doing so. Cry at home, with friends and familiy but do your best never to cry in front of an ex. I did it and man did I feel horrible afterwords. Find that backbone and snap it into place. Stand up tall and SHOW your ex you will be fine....despite the feelings of wanting to crawl up in a big ball and die.

 

 

If I broke up with a girl...and I saw her the next day or so...and she acted fine....I would start to question my actions. Why? Because she was supposed to be sad or upset. If she acted fine and smiled...I think I would feel worse as a dumper. Strange how that happens.

 

 

Can't we be friends?

 

NO WAY...not yet. If you came from a relationship of being intimate and sharing...you cannot go backwards right off the bat until healing has occurred. If you try to hang on to the notion that if you stop being around your ex they will forget you...WRONG!!!

 

If you want to be a knight in shining armor...write a story about it. You need to let them go. Let them learn what life is like without you completely. This IS NOT A GAME. Its about you healing.

 

Let me put it this way...

 

 

You agree to be friends....you hang out...ya smile with your ex..and laugh...ya think "Wow... she/ he is awsome..I know they love me still and we might have a shot in the future." Ya call them up on a friday night like you have been weeks before so hang out and they drop the bomb..

 

"I can't tonight, I have a date"....HOLY SMOKES!!! QUCIK SOMEONE GRAB THE TISSUE and a big dose of "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!"

 

**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

 

 

If you work or go to school with your ex....BE NICE. Do not for heaven's sake make ANYONE feel awkward. Don't stare or give them extra attention. YOU BE YOU. Smile if ya can. When class is over...say bye if they wave at you or look at you. Don't hang around and don't purposely try to see them. This will only make you look desperate.

 

If you work with your ex, you give them 100% work professionalism and nothing more. NO work emails trying to talk about the relationship. Leave them alone. Stay away from the "Let's do lunch" thing as well. It is awkward enough already....work is work. Leave the personal stuff at home.

 

 

What if we live together?

 

If you live with your ex, be honest enough to sit down and calmly discuss what you both should do. Who should move out? When? Should you BOTH move? You get the idea. The more you put it off, the longer you can't start to fully heal.

 

 

What is a safety net?

 

A safety net is becoming a fall back boy/girl friend with an ex if the person or persons they are dating doesn't work out.

Some of us here at eNotAlone call this the "Grass is always greener" syndrom. In simple terms, your ex breaks up with you...starts to date...is sweet to you...you get suckered into believing that she still loves you 100% even though she is dating and you are crying in a pillow....the person you ex is seeing doesn't work out and they come "crawling" back to you. OK..here is my honest opinion on this situation.

 

Let me make sure I am perfectly clear.

 

 

HELL NO!

 

 

There that should do it. Any questions?

 

 

I know we alllll miss our ex's. Gawd I did. BUT WHO WANTS TO BE "Plan B or C or D"...I don't

 

 

If you ex wants to try and work things out, let them come to you and SHOW YOU. Let them prove that they were wrong for leaving you instead of a "quick fix". If an ex is mature enough to contact you...sit down and let you know they were wrong....want to try again and CONTINUE TO SHOW YOU THEY WANT YOU BACK and wants to work on the issuse that plagued the relaionship before you broke up...THEN you can start to reconcile..SLOWLY.

 

DO NOT BE SUCKERED BACK INTO THE RELATIONSHIP unless you have healed and learned from your mistakes. Most couples that try to jump back into a relationship without fixing old issues are DOOMED! Take my word for it. It's like diving head first into the deep end of the pool before you realize there is no water!!! AARRGGHHH!!!

 

 

I hope I cleared up a few questions you may have had about No Contact..

 

 

The whole point of No Conatct is NOT only healing yourself....but LOVING yourself. It has to do with having diginity and pride enough to walk away and learn to move on with your life. If someone says..."We should breakup....AGREE WITH THEM!!" Why? Because even though it hurts like hell, why try and be with someone who is not sure they want to be with you?

 

You can't fit a circle where a square should be....so why force it.

 

 

If you have to go out of your way to please or love someone and they do not return the love or effort 100%...you have your answer.

 

All you have to do it learn from you mistakes and learn to love yourself.