self esteem issues...

[Lboogie23]

okay, i guess for as long as i can remember i have always struggled with very low self esteem. It disrupts my life, and my relationships on a daily basis. i hate confrontation. I guess bc i don't feel confident enough in what i have to say. i never feel pretty enough, and no matter how much i'm told that i am pretty or attractive, i can never see it myself. When i look in the mirror, all i do is see flaws and things i wish i could change.

 

i have also been struggling with my fiance who looks at pornography on a regular basis, this crushes my already low self esteem. And while i have tried to explain my feelings to him, he has never stopped and don't think he ever will. I get so mad at myself for not being able to deal with this and i know its my own insecurities that inable me to do so. I feel like hes not happy with me and thats why he does this. Ihave posted other threads on the subject and have received great advice, but it all comes down to my own self esteem issues.

 

i can't go to the store without a full face of makeup on and my hair done. If i do, i feel horribly ugly and i just want to keep my head down and not make eye contact. it angers me when some one tells me i am attractive bc i feel like they are just saying that, i feel like it can't possibly be true. I'm always trying to do things to make myself feel prettier or better. Like constantly changing my hair, go ing tanning all the time, i always have to have my nails done, i buy clothes exessively, and even after all this, i still feel ugly.

 

I guess i just wanted to get this off my chest. I was wondering if anyone else felt like this, or had any possible advice. thanks.

[caro33]

Hey Lboogie23, sorry you feel like this!

 

I feel like this to more or less of a degree depending on my hormones and my weight. I don't have an answer I'm afraid, and we've already talked about the porn issue I think.

 

I'm no psychologist type, but I guess that perhaps a way of improving the situation would be a mixture of:

 

(a) Understanding where this comes from in you: have you always felt like this? Did you get negative feedback when growing up?

 

(b) Understanding your triggers for feeling bad: what in particular makes you feel worse? The porn is one issue, what are the others?

 

© Relinquishing control over your surroundings a little and watching the consequences: how about wearing little to no makeup one day, or not worrying about your hair - does the world seem all that different?

 

(d) Working on more positive self-talk, and distracting yourself from the negative: by telling yourself you are ugly you are actively reinforcing your own brain pathways. You can actually retrain your thinking if you repeat something enough times. Listen to people when they say you look nice - there is no benefit whatsoever in disregarding them.

 

I think that if you actively try to be kinder to yourself, as well as exercise discipline over your own thinking, you can feel better. There will always be relapses, but you can feel better much of the time.

 

I think the reason you keep feeling bad no matter what is that you are looking for answers through purchases "If I only had THAT hair, I would be happy with myself", "If I only had THAT pair of pants I would feel good". But the problem is not you being ugly, it's your own perception of you being ugly. You can fool it sometimes when you are in the changeroom, or walking out the salon, but you catch yourself unawares soon after, same old you.

 

So why do you think you feel this way about yourself?

[Lboogie23]

i guess i'm exactly sure why i feel like this.

When i was young i lived in a very small town where there were NO minorities whatsoever. It was dominately caucasion. I was a little different, my mother comes from a very dark skinned siclian family and my father is german and indian.

So i sort of stuck out like a sore thumb with my dark complexion and thick coarse hair. I always got picked on and they always told me how ugly i was and that i looked like a jungle monkey. I had no friends, and their comments really hurt.

i guess i was 14 when we moved to a bigger city and iwas much more socially accepted and even got compliments on my features but i don't know i think by then the damage was done, you know.

also about 5 years ago i started a horrible and traumatizing battle whith acne that has left some scarring on my face and i think that ulitmatley was the icing on the cake for me. I just feel horrible all the time. Even when i am all done up, i think that people must see through it and see how unattractive i really am.

[caro33]

That's really sad, and I feel for you. Kids are horrible sometimes. I also got some major teasing when I was young, it's funny (awful) how these things stay with you.

 

I am pale as pale, and would love to have your colouring! With your mix of heritage I bet you're gorgeous.

 

Is there anything you can do about the scarring to feel better? I had thought there were laser treatments and the like that can make a difference. Is that an option?

[nbr21081]

Maybe some reading might help? I am working on self esteem issues as well. One thing I thought particularly helpful was sentence completion that Nathaniel Branden pioneered. Check out his book, 6 Pillars of Self Esteem. He also has a website, link removed. Its a constant battle, but I think if you take some time to look at the root cause of your issues, and try to heal those, that you will feel better. Its not easy, but I think down the road you will be glad that you are taking the time to look into this for yourself! Congratulations on even recognizing that you have a problem. Many people think its normal to have awful feelings about yourself. You are already a step ahead.

[sweetheart21]

Hey I am exactly like you! I get compliments on how I look but still feel ugly. And I avoid eyecontact when I go out and worry about what i'm wearing and stuff.

Something that helped me a bit is this internet site called moodgym. It can help with self esteem. Look up moodgym in google if you want more info or go to the site here: link removed

[Lboogie23]

thank you for your help and advice. I have recently been looking into laser options for the scarring and while it is pricey, i think its definatly worth it!!