What have I done?!

[SadOldMan]

I have been with my partner for 12 years. We have lived together for 7, in a house we bought. Last year, for reasons I no longer remember, I distanced myself from her. We ended up just about living in separate rooms coming up to xmas 2006.

3 days after xmas day, she said that she'd had enough and no longer wanted me. She told me how I had been over the past few months and it was as though I had been hit in the face with a hammer. I couldn't believe the way I'd been.

So, the house is being painted, ready to sell. She's off her separate way and I have to find a place to live.

I've told her that, the moment she told me what I had done, I changed. I truly believe that. I've said I love her more than anything in the world etc, but she isn't having none of it.

Everything is still very raw at the minute. Us living in the same house doesn't help. I can't believe I've destroyed something that I wanted to keep.

Oh!, a question. Any chance of winning her back? thought not

Thanks for reading

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi SadOldMan,

 

This is so sad...

 

I think you have to think seriously about why you distanced yourself from the women you have spent the last 12 years with. If you can answer that you may be able to reconcile. You have to be able to give her tangible reasons for your behaviour.

[SadOldMan]

I think it was something silly during an argument (I really can't recollect). I remember it hurting me deeply. From then on, I distanced myself. Maybe because I didn't want hurting like that again. Instead, I hurt more than at any other time in my life. You have to laugh, don't you?

[Portage]

Hmmm...when someone has built up a wall for so long it can be hard to get that "feeling" back. Could also have something to do with the timing. She may have been ready to work on it when you were in your black hole. Now it sounds like that window of opportunity may be presently closed. You have "woken" and she has moved on?

 

You've already let her know how you feel. Unfortunately, the ball is in her court to proceed or not...

 

I wish you much luck

 

PS - Give her all the space she needs. IF you are in her personal zone this could push her in the other direction. Take one day at a time

[Magic_star829]

Hi there,

 

First of all why do men do that?? (sorry generalization there) But honestly...yes you were at fault because you let it go on for so long...and you dealt with it childishly instead of confronting it head on...but still Something doesn't quite fit here....there is something missing....it's hard to believe that after 12 years, she'd leave you for something like that, specially if it's the first time.... Though I understand how she feels from my perspective (my boyfriend recently did something kind of like that, though for not as long, and it left me feeling a multitude of emotions that were not positive). I think you just need to talk. Communication is key and it sounds as if the lack of it was the problem. Hang in there. Good luck.

[Pisces_Princess]

Maybe she has to distance herself now...just like you had to. When somebody shuts you out for so long she must be very hurt by your behaviour.

 

Why did you distance yourself for so long if you can hardly remember what the issue was, did it just snowball out of control? I think there is more to iot than this.

 

I agree with giving her some time and space, just be patient and open and see what happens. It seems very sad that 12 years can evaporate over 1 argument.

[SadOldMan]

Her exact words to me were "I worshiped the ground you walked on and you've broke my heart".

Yes, I have been very immature. I have held up my hands to anyone from family, work colleagues, anyone!, it is my fault. I accept that. I accept that she has had enough. I'm just really struggling with the fact I'm not as nice person as I thought I was. I know...ease up on the self pity

[Pisces_Princess]

Yes ease up on the self pity and start doing something about it!

[SadOldMan]

Pisces Princess. I will. Thanks

[SuperDave71]

SadOldMan,

 

 

Hey there. I am so sorry for your pain my friend.

 

Let me give you some advice:

 

1.) People do NOT LIKE "talkers".."I've changed".."I will do better".."I will never do that again"

 

2.) BE a "DOER" (Way to go pisces!)

 

3.) We always tend to relish in the "Don't know what you've got til it's gone" syndrome. Try not to dwell on this.

 

4.) YOU yourself cannot FIX her broken heart.

 

 

There had to have been something that happened or occurred that you closed off to her. Why? What happened? Did she do something or NOT do something you needed to be valiadated?

 

Give us a tad more informations please..

 

 

We will be happy to try and help...

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SadOldMan]

SuperDave71: I'm sat here, wracking my brains to remember what exactly was the spark that started this in motion. I'm struggling. I've never been the best at expressing my love I guess. She would get angry at me..."show me you care!", things like that. I don't know. My head's a bit muddled at the minute. I'll go away and have a good think.

[SuperDave71]

Sad,

 

 

You you were a talker and not motivated to SHOW her how much you loved her?

 

Let me ask you, did you assume she would stay with you just because of the time you spent? Did you ever listen to her when she told you what she wanted or expected of you?

 

I hope she was not a "he just doesn't get it" kinda gal.

 

 

Please let me know.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SadOldMan]

SuperDave71: Arrogance set in I guess. The more I drifted away from her, the more resentment I received, the more I drifted away. Yes...I know, totally idiotic.

[SadOldMan]

Last night she started to tell me about a house she'd been to view. Told me all the details of every room. It hurt like mad to listen to her but I politely smiled at the correct times. Later on, she came into my room and apologised. "I don't know what I was thinking, sorry".

This morning, her sister rang from Australia. After the phone call, she came to see me, very upset. I gave her a hug and told her she'll be fine. Sigh. Forgot why I wanted to post now

[Pisces_Princess]

Why can't you open your heart to her!

 

I know we British are famous for the 'stiff upper lip' but come on! DO SOMETHING!

[SadOldMan]

Pisces_Princess: I have. She is still too hurt. "I need to be alone". She knows how I feel. I've sat and told her, very calmly, countless times over the past 2 weeks. I think I need to give her some space to breathe now. I'm clutching at straws here. I don't know what to do for best.

[Pisces_Princess]

Well you know her better than anyone else. If you feel she needs space then you must give it to her...and you take the space for yourself to really think about what you want.

 

Is she buying the house she is looking at or renting?

[SadOldMan]

Renting. Neither of us has much money to go now. It's a two wage house. We have to wait until/if ours sells.

[Pisces_Princess]

At least renting feels a little more temporary...

[SadOldMan]

I seem to be using this like a personal blog. Sorry.

A week after telling me, bearing in mind I'd been on the sofa for a few weeks, she asked me if I wanted to sleep in the bed. I did, for two nights. No touching, cuddling o anything was allowed. This hurt worse than sleeping downstairs. I told her, if she was only doing this to keep the peace, then she was not being very nice. So, I went back downstairs.

Yesterday, I had a day off work to catch up on the painting. At lunch time, she rang. A real pleasant "It's only me!" and would I like anything bringing in?, food etc. I didn't so said 'no thanks'. Then she gets home from work and we didn't say a word to eachother all night. Gah!

I've been reading loads of threads on here. All talking about NC or LC and think of yourself. Heal yourself etc. I even went to the doctor the other day because I thought I was in a downward spiral and was a little scared. The 'clouds' have lifted slightly since then. Again, sorry if this seems more like a blog. It does help me though.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Sad,

 

All of these postings are personal 'blogs' in a way, but we are all here to share, help and be helped.

 

I know how you are feeling. I had to wait a couple of weeks before I moved out of the home I shared with my ex. My friends kept telling me to go straight away but I simply wasn't ready and really I was hoping he would change his mind.

 

We did share our bed but that was agony. I would lie awake all night watching him sleep counting down the days until we would be sleeping alone...

 

NC is impossible when you are living together, but it may be the way to go when she finally moves out x

[SadOldMan]

I'm staying at my dads for the weekend. I have decided to get a loan and get myself a flat. I cannot bear the atmosphere in the house anymore. We're not arguing or anything, it just overpowers me.

At 00:00 last night I texted her to say how much I loved her. She replied...."I thought you'd be asleep. Get some rest and chill out!"

[SadOldMan]

Pisces Princess: I just wanted to apologise to you. So wrapped up in my own grief/self pity etc, I had not noticed you too are going through a traumatic time. I really hope your life turns around and happiness returns to you again.

[SadOldMan]

I'm back 'home' now. She's not here. Looks like she went out over the weekend, as there's some pretty clothes on the floor. I felt a pang of jealousy but it's subsided now. Phew....it's hard work isn't it?

[SadOldMan]

Had a really long talk with her tonight. The upshot of it all was that she only sees me as a friend at this moment and she wants to be alone. She's going to stay with her mother tomorrow.