Devastated, need advice

[Ash]

There may be something on his mind that he's not telling Mckenziegirl. It may be a bunch of little things that are all adding up in his head to the conclusion he wants to end it. It may not seem reasonable to us, but something must have clicked in his head.

 

Hopefully he'll rethink and at least let her know what he sees the real reasons are so they have a chance to address them together before a final decision is made.

[radioheader]

my guess is still that there is someone else who interests him (maybe not all out affair but interest)...he has it so good with her to just walk away...but maybe there is a mid-life thing as well since they've been together for so long...

 

i would definitely go for couseling and try separation first...he may be too idealistic about the "single" life...or the greener grass!

[mike_chppr]

Maybe he has a medical issue like cancer and he doesn't want to be a drag on the peppyness the two of you have. Has he had any medical appointments lately?

 

Just a thought, while we are brainstorming here....

[Mrsympathy]

I really feel for you because 8 months ago I was in the same boat.Ex wife was telling me she loved me,just moved into a brand new home we built together,and as soon as we moved in things changed.She started go out with co-workers that she didnt like months before,losing weight all the signs.I called her out on it and she was adament on not cheating.I would say a few days later I had papers handed to me and with her working for an attorney we were divorced in a month and we have a child.From what I have heard that is unreal for a divorce to be final that fast.She said she didnt want to ruin both our summers.Well needless to say me hoping if I made it easy she would rethink what she had done,well that wasnt the case as soon as the ink was dry she was with someone else a cop that was friends with her friends husband she had been going out with.If I can give any advice plan on the worse like him cheating,check phone records the whole nine,because after its over you'll be kicking yourself for being so trusting and gullable.I am sorry for your pain and the healing seems to take forever but trust me I loved my wife and family and I am getting through it,not saying its not a tough road.I wish you luck and take care of yourself.

[Jeff777]

Hang in there girl! Your husband does sound confused and regretfully there is always a reason for BIZARRE behaviour. But God is in charge this I know. My wife left me for my brother. It was the most horrendous thing I ever went through - but you can make it. Please get support from family or the local church or friends. Seek this out and it will help. I will pray for you and your husband as well.

[mike_chppr]

Mckenziegirl38,

 

What is going on, I wanted to check up on you. How are you handling things, has he cracked or budged from his position or are you still locked in grieving.

 

Thinking about you,

mike_chppr

[Mckenziegirl38]

Hi Mike, nothing has changed. He came home to use the workout room and I noticed his wedding band off. That about sent me into a tailspin. He still kept using terms of endearment when speaking to me (hon, sweetheart etc.) which confuses me. He still wants out of the marriage and now his reasons just seem flighty and petty. I'm having a terrible time coping. My weekend was horrible. I am exhausted as I'm soooo tired but my mind won't shut off at night. I think I had a panic attack at work on friday. I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing and I just started shaking uncontrollably. Luckily after a few minutes I got a hold of myself. My sanity is shakin. I miss his family also. Neices and nephews found out and started crying. I'm still at a total loss and feel my whole world slipping away.

[foxyfarah]

Hey MckenzieGirl- I can’t say that i’ve been through this situation because I know I haven’t. But when it comes down to being independent I know exactly where to stand. I was reading your comments and like you said, you and your husband were always together. Maybe he felt like he lost himself and hasn’t had time for HIS needs to enjoy himself without feeling insecure about what he does. Who knows though, maybe he’s only going through a phase where he thinks he's better off alone. 20 years of commitment is deffinately something you can’t get over in a heartbeat. So it’s as hurting for him as it is for you. If this decision is 100% ; I’m not going to say it’s going to be hurting for you because it is. In fact you’ll even cry. But just remember crying is the next step of healing and eventually everything will fall into place...slowly but surely.

 

Just know that you are not alone and there are people who are going to support you through your rough time.

[mike_chppr]

What is he telling the neices and nephues? They can still be a part of your life and you there's. I fully intend to treat my ex-in-laws as if they were my parents for a long time to come. Reaffirm to them that the split is between you and him and that your love and compassion and connection to them will still be there. Sometimes families lock together to support "blood" but if you can grasp yourself and not play the blame game, you can come through with these relationships shaken, but not crumbled. I got to get back to work.

 

mike_chppr

[Ash]

Mike, that may be the way you would like to do things but it's not always the way it works. My ex specifically denies me any access to her side of the family.

 

Mckenzie, hopefully he won't place restrictions on you interacting with his side of the family should the separation remain.

 

For your sake, do you think you would want to consider asking him not to treat you the same as if he hadn't changed your world? In other words, since it is hurting you a lot with the way he addresses you and comes and goes from the house semingly without regard to how you feel you are perfectly within your rights to set boundaries. Afterall, if he truly wants to go through with this he reasonably has to expect there will cme a time when he and you interact at only a friends level and don't share any parts of your lives past that. Perhaps he is thinking he can treat the house as if it still belongs to both of you, and treat you as if you are still married but the truth of the matter is that will change and perhaps in outlining boundaries now if will make him realize being separated is not the best of both words. In other words, he can't have the benefits of freedom and the benefits of marriage. Sounds like he's getting both in some ways at the moment. Perhaps setting the boundaries would make him think this through a little more.

[radioheader]

i'm so sorry that you are felling this way...sounds like you did have a panic attack..i had one b/f like that...is he still living with you? just wondered since you said he came home to use the workout room?

 

i agree with ash, i think it may be time to set some boundaries with him...there is a good book called lough must be tough by james dobson...i wish you could get a copy from your library and read it...it helped me so much when i went thru what you are experiencing...

 

hang in there and keep coming back here for support...it will get better eventually...i know that is hard to see right now...believe me i've been there...try to get that book....and try counseling...it helps!

[mike_chppr]

I'm on track with radioheader with this. Lets change the focus here and get you on track. Two or three things to deal with here.

Depression. Depression is a normal feeling when one experiences a loss. By him bailing you have lost your expectation of your future together and the stability and comforts. You have also lost your perception of who you have thought that he was. This is normal and I guess there is a certain point to embrace and notice that these feelings are normal. Feel them and recognize that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way.

Anxiety. This is a normal feeling when worrying about the future. I fully believe you have had a panic attack. This is

"A burst of intense, overwhelming anxiety that generally lasts for a brief period - sometimes for as little as a few minutese and rarely more than several hours. During a panic attack you will notice at least four uncomfortable sensations like dizziness, a lightheadedness, trembling or shaking, tightness in your chest, palpitations, diarrhea or upset stomach, rapid breathing, a choking or smothering sensation, shortness of breath, numbness or tingling fingers, hot flashes, chills or sweating.

These symptoms develop suddenly and increase dramatically in intensity within 10 minutes. At the height of the panic attack, you may be terrified by one or more of these fears:

What if I lose control?

What if I go crazy?

What if I have a heart attack?

What if I faint?

What if I die?

After a short time the episode wears off. You were hanging on for dear life and you think it's a miracle that you didn't crack up entirely.

If you are terribly worried about cracking up, you're not! Anxiety, not insanity is your problem. Although panic attacks feel terrifying they're quite harmless and very treatable."

 

This is from David D Burns, MD link removed

 

So with Depression and Anxiety which you are definitely feeling right now, (normal feelings they are). How do we self reflect on them, here is a list from the same book of questions to ask yourself.

 

"How long have I been feeling this way?

Am I doing something constructive about the problem, or am I simply brooding and avoiding it?

Are my thoughts and feelings realistic?

Will it be helpful or hurtful if I express my feelings?

Am I making myself unhappy about a situation that's beyond my control?

Am I avoiding a problem and denying that I'm really upset about it?

Are my expectations for the world realistic?

Am I feeling hopeless?

Am I experiencing a loss of self-esteem?"

 

I'm with radioheader on this one, counseling would really be helpful. We need to work on picking you up piece by piece, as I think this has gutted you. and we need to work on you hour at a time or half day at a time. then work towards living one day at a time. I highly recommend a counselor. My Trauma Psychologist from the VA hospital and dealing with PTSD from Iraq and all these additional stressers has been an incredible asset.

 

Ash, you were right, I wasn't really realistic in my last post. I rushed it being at work and didn't really grasp the full scope of what she is going through emotionally. You are right on track in setting boundaries. The conversation may go something like this.

I have a bone to pick with you.

I'm feeling hurt and dejected, it feels as if you have stabbed me and the knife is still in there, when you call me by the terms of endearment, it is like you are twisting the knife letting more and more of my hurts spill out. If this is what you want I expect you to be professional about it. I still have love for you and I also carry a tremendous amount of rage for you as well, these things will never go away overnight. But we are separated. You don't just come over when you please. I need to feel safe and I don't feel like I can do that with you poping in. It increases my anxiety, discomfort and conflict. I would appreciate it if you would call first. What about me rekeying the locks? II check every window and every door before I go to sleep and the idea that something out of my control may be left open produces a lot of anxiety for me on top of everything else. I'm feeling scared and together or apart we are going to get through this."

 

OK that is more of a lollipop conversation, but you get the themes. Be careful about blame and express your feelings and expectations in order to express healthy boundaries between the two of you at this time.

 

You're going to get through this. Just take it one slice at a time.

 

mike_chppr

[Enitsirk]

Hi,

 

I am in a similar situation. You can read my thread in the divorce section. He is the leaver and you are the leavee. Usually the leaver has made their decision far in advance without the leavee even knowing about it. I understand the shock and heartbreak. I am 6 months pregnant, and I have lost 8 pounds and was admitted to the hospital for dehydration. I understand your pain.

According to all the books I have read the best thing for you to do is let him go. I know that's not what you want. Go on with your life and act happy and content without him. Easier said than done, right? If you show that you are happy and independent it is very attractive. The worst thing for you to do is beg him, it only shows weekness. Good luck hun

[Mckenziegirl38]

Hello Everyone, been awhile since I've posted. I've been through so much. I didn't know how low I could ever sink. I am much better, getting by. I can even smile again. I am going through so many emotions that it's crazy. One minute I'm sad, the next I am excited about the future (isn't that strange?). My husband was dragging his feet, although he still wanted out, so I filed for divorce myself. It has now started. I will have to be ok with it. He is such a changed person. He is alienating friends. Everyone keeps asking me what is wrong with him, if he is on drugs, because he seems to be so. Drugs meaning steriods. His mood swings are award winning. Saturday he called me 6 or 7 times....wanting to hear my voice....can he spend the night with me....you get the picture...of course I said no. Then he turned on me. Strange. I just don't know him anymore. My heart still skips a beat when I remember the man before or all the memories, but hopefully that will fade. I am keeping the house and hopefully my sanity. Thanks to everyone who helped me through the very beginning when I thought I was going to die.

[radioheader]

you are so strong...you should be so proud and an inspiration to those out there who will walk in your footsteps sometime in their life...maybe even me! thanks for the encouragement...there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!