to move in or not to move in

[Restless]

I have a problem. My boyfriend wants me to move in with him when I graduate in May. Now, here comes the problem. He's not ready to marry me. Am I asking for trouble if I move in with him without a definite committment from his side? Why is he ready to move in with me, but not marry me?

[Shy_Guy]

You've already answered your own questions. If you're questioning it, then you KNOW that living together is too easy of a solution for HIM. I guess you really need to assess your relationship with your boyfriend. Do you see yourself being married to this guy ten years down the road? Do you plan to be the mother of his kids, join the PTA, drive the minivan and all of that, or are you in it for the self-gratification you get when being with him? If you're leaning towards the former, there's NO WAY I'd be moving in with him. You need the commitment, and if he's unwilling to make it, you should be looking elsewhere. If it's the latter, then go ahead and shack up with him. You'll both keep each other warm at night, and have a few thrills along the way until you're 35 and realize you've thrown a goodly portion of your life away on something both he and you didn't really value in the first place.

 

Good luck. I hope you make the decision that is best for you in the long run.

[anxiousfiancee]

That was me a little less than a year ago. When I graduated, I wasn't sure yet where I was going to be working so I didn't know where I should look for a place to live. My boyfriend and I decided that I'd stay with him until I found my own place once I got settled. We'd been dating for about nine months by the time I graduated, and things were fantastic. I have always said that I didn't want to live with someone before marriage, but I kept telling myself that as long as it was a short-term thing ... just until I got on my feet ... that it would be ok. Well, of course I moved in and stayed even after I got my job. He kept telling me that he was so happy I was there, and it really was fun living with him. We got along great, and were good roommates. So that was in May; one day in July he came home crying and told me that he'd cheated on me. I felt confused, trapped ... and convinced myself that I had nowhere else to go and I stayed. Three weeks later I found out that he'd cheated on me earlier, right after I'd moved in. I don't know if it was the pressure that living together brought, or if it was unrelated. I know that he hadn't cheated on me before I moved in, so that could have had something to do with it.

I stayed, and it seemed like we had worked things out. In December, he proposed, and I said yes. About a month later, I found out that he'd cheated on me in October and November. He said that it was before he knew what he wanted to do with me, and that he realized after being with the THIRD (!!!) girl that I was definitely what he wanted, and that he broke it off with her to propose to me. Somehow I bought that. Last week, however, when I found out that he'd done it AGAIN, I really decided that I can't take it anymore.

Obviousy you know your boyfriend, and you may know how things would work out. I never thought we would turn out like this, though ... and both of us have said that we think that living together caused a ton of our problems. He has now asked me to stay -- either physically stay in our apartment, or just stay with him and live separately. I definitely say that if you've got doubts, just stay on your own or live with a friend. For that matter ... I say don't move in even if you don't have any doubts. Spend every night with him if you want, but always give yourself a buffer -- so that you have your own place to go to if you need a break. I hope that things will work out for you. Good luck, and congratulations on graduation!

[frani]

I agree with the advice above. If you want to get married, then get married. You can't "live" your way into a marriage. It's okay to be engaged (with a ring and a date) but if you don't have that then it probably won't come while you are living together. The reason? He has no motivation to get married. You have to listen to what he's really telling you.

 

Now, if you don't want to marry him or get married yet or just want to share expenses with him then living together for a couple of years might be a kind of fun experience.

 

But I think you should sit yourself down and have a good honest talk with yourself. What do you really want? An honest answer will save you heartache later.

 

I wish you the best.