Am I going mad?!

[Very green]

I was cheated on a couple of months ago, and it feels like the worst kind of hurt. The unfortunate part is that because i still love him, i try to care, and forgive, and trust. I have been reading these threads trying to make sense of who he is now, but I'm not really getting anywhere.

He claims he is sick of me being insecure, and checking up on him all the time. Does anyone think I should lay off? I personally believe i have a right not to trust him. It only happened two months ago. How long does it take before i can trust him again? I have always believed a person has to gain trust, not be given it automatically. Is this wrong? I feel like I am going mad. The way he talks now when I am having one of my 'eposides' (as he calls them), it feels like I am the one in the wrong now, for acting and reacting this way. Am i being too harsh? Just because i forgave him and took him back, does that mean things should just go on as if it never happened? This is what he believes. All he keeps saying is "I said sorry, I promised I would never do it again, but I can't change the fact it happened. Get over it". !!!!***!!???!!****????!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I have been going online trying to find ways to deal with it, and found a blog spot. It is called link removed.

 

It has some useful links which give tips on getting over or coping with infidelity. However, whilst the links helped a little, I find myself contemplating my revenge. This site allows you to post a photo and description of the person, 'outing' them as a cheater. I have to say, I am VERY tempted. Anyone got any opinions as to whether i should do this?

Thank you in advance for any advice.

TTFN

[kath123]

hi,

you said in your post that just because you forgave him and took him back,should you simply forget it happened.

well its quite obvious that you havent forgiven him!!

and probably never will, but whether or not you can learn to live with the fact he cheated depends on you.

i suppose he is right when he says he is sorry and cant erase the past, but i think you both need to get to the bottom of why he did it in the first place.

if he is saying "he doesnt know" for instance,then i think you have a major problem. I have been in that situation and if someone cant give an explanation then it is VERY likely it will happen again,(this is speaking from experience)however if he can give a reason of some sort then maybe you can work with this. There may have been problems in your relationship that you werent aware of but can still put right If you choose to try and get your relationship back on the right track, i do think you have to stop bringing the cheating issue up all the time,because it means you cant move on from it, and thats what you need to do (if you really want to )

I know you love this man, but is it enough, and does he love you enough!!

Think carefully,because if you are in doubt, take a break from the situation,take some time for yourself as you deserve this after what youve been through, and if he cant accept this, then he doesnt care enough.

Good luck and stay strong.

kath x

[Very green]

I don't bring his cheating up all the time. By my 'eposides', i mean when i get mad at him for stopping out all night without letting me know where he is going, or even that he is going out at all! We live together, so i its not like he is just going out on nights we haven't agreed to meet on.

He says he loves me, and wants to be with me. He says he made a horrible mistake, but he also won't talk about it. I have asked why he did it, is there anything that needs changing etc, but all he says is that he doesn't want to tell me anything as it will hurt me?!

[dawn515]

Hi Very Green,

 

I know that it's tempting to think about revenge. However, it's probably best for everyone if you keep that as a fantasy. Usually revenge never works out how we imagine it, and then a lot of pain gets spread around.

 

I know what you're saying about forgiving him yet not trusting him. You can forgive someone for a particular instance, but it's harder to believe their reassurance that they won't do it again. I agree with the previous poster in wondering if you two every discussed it, got to the root of the infidelity. Until you do that, it will probably be impossible to trust him again.

 

And yes, he does need to earn your trust! It's only been two months, so it's natural for you to feel this way. Maybe you can devise a way to tell him this without it sounding as though you're accusing him of something or that you haven't forgiven him. I'm not sure if that's what's making him react that way, but he may be feeling one of those two things. I understand that, in your shoes, you would want the one who strayed to be completely penitent and understanding of how you feel.

 

Best of luck. I hope things work out for you.

[sparkle1]

I think you need to accept you've not forgiven him....especially so as you are ploting revenge.

 

You and the relationship will not move on unless you can forgive him for what he done.

 

did you find out why he cheated? sometimes, if we don't know the cause, we stay bitter and angry as we can't make something right.

 

I think there comes a point when someone has cheated in a relationship that the cheater thinks "i get asked a 100 times, checked up on constantly...its doing my head in....she doesn't believe me either way - so i may as well do it"

 

And that is a tricky downward spiral to go down.

 

have you thought about counselling as a couple?

 

i think you don't feel that you've punished him enough - but the more you bang on about it the more damage it'll do. You need to confront this.

 

if you can't truly forget, then i think you are doomed for failure - as you'll never get over this and trust.

 

Without trust - no relationship.

 

Trust is given at the beginning - and only removed if they do something wrong.

 

Sparkle x

[Hope75]

I am a firm believer that if a couple decides to try and continue their relationship after one person cheats that it takes alot of effort and understanding from BOTH parties.

 

Your bf has not yet earned your trust back 100%, and he needs to do that, that is part of his job. If that means calling you when he's out, or including you in outings for a while, or just making you feel safe, loved and respected on a daily basis, that's what he should be doing.

 

For you, you also need to try and give him a bit of a leap of faith too. There was a reason that you decided to forgive him and try to continue the relationship, what was it? Is he someone who you feel honestly made one mistake, was very remorseful, and vowed to try again with you?

 

Think about this for a little bit- what made you forgive him and want to stay with him?

 

If it's fear of being alone and he's not really remorseful or trying, then maybe you need to re-evaluate YOUR reasons for continuing the relationship.

 

Just some food for thought.

[Very green]

thank you very much to all who have replied. It has definitely given me some different perspectives to look at.

 

TTFN