sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Hi, Im having issues with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, because i think i am being a bit too needy, and i have a fear of him leaving me, because a year and a half ago he broke up with me for like the day, and it was cuze he was in a bad mood, and im afraid if i get him in a bad mood again like that day, he will just leave me. he assures of that he wouldnt, and he was just being a jerk, but yesterday we were on the phone and he was talkin to me. and i was talking back, but i guess i was over lapping his words with questions, and he was like CAN U LET ME FINISH , i was like you interrupt me all the time now you know how i feel and he hung up on me. and then he stopped talkin to me for the whole day, i left msgs sayin im sorry, emailed him sayin im sorry, but he wasnt that mad until he listened to the messages cuze he knew how bad i wanted to reconcile because he knows of my fear, i have told him about it. and hes mad that i live in fear of him leaving, but its hard for me to just. wait for him to call me, and wait for him to want me, wait for him to miss me, he lives 2 hours away now. and he works long hours and i see him every other week. but im not sure how to make him miss me. cuze im so bloody needy that i always call him first, if he doesnt come onlien to talk then i like call him searchin for him its CRAZY!! IM GOIN CRAZY. n e one know how i can set my insecurities aside, relax. be happy for what i have and move on. i love him so much, he is the one i want to be with forever, hes 25 and he has matured since that one day he broke up with me. so i shouldnt be worried he will do it again. im not good at this whole playin hard to get, but experience in the past has showed me that he takes the bait. so the method works on him. but its different when its in the beginning, i know he wants me to play it. cuze im just so THERE all the time. that im sure hes prob like. i want to miss you! u know? i can hear it in his voice. and we dont see each other for 2 weeks out of the month, we are far apart but he doesnt miss me. which is wrong!! please help me figure out what i should do with my stupid brain ahh!! ive been cryin all day cuze im so stupid. ](*,) Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 n e one know how i can set my insecurities aside, relax. Wow, why do you feel the need to have constant attention? Did something happen in your childhood where your parents didn't give you affection? I think you need to find the core of the problem. Are you happy in other areas of your life? How was your life, did you feel lonely before your bf entered it? Hugs, Rose Link to comment
krnswte143 Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Im having issues with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, because i think i am being a bit too needy, and i have a fear of him leaving me, because a year and a half ago he broke up with me for like the day, and it was cuze he was in a bad mood, and im afraid if i get him in a bad mood again like that day, he will just leave me hey girl i know wat exactly u mean.. i am goin through the same thing with my bf.. he broke up w/ me for a day n got back same day.. and now i have a fear he will leave me again if i get him mad or something... i fear as if he wil find someone better than me or seeing someone.. i get the same feelings as u... as many of my friends told me... u need to trust him and believe he wont leave u... and if he does... then we move on.. but girl i am in the shoe as u now!!!!! my suggestion is..... just relax and enjoy ur time being with him.. i mean every couple fights in a relationship.. thats just natural thing.. jus be calm n relax n have a good time w/ ur bf... thats what im doing now.. im tryin to relax and enjoy my time w/ him i myself is needy too i think? if he doesnt go online or call me i always end up doin first... Janella Link to comment
sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 i feel the need for constant attention because i feel like he will just forget about me, if i dont call him. i could possibly slip his mind. which doesnt make any sense, no im not happy in any other aspect of my life, and no i wasnt lonely before him i was fine i dont know, people always say oh you didnt get enough attention from your father. blah blah blah. ya ok i didnt. but same with alot of people, how can i make him miss me though! or how can i turn off my brain. i dunno Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 i feel the need for constant attention because i feel like he will just forget about me, if i dont call him The more you call him, the MORE he will forget you as it makes you seem more attainable and hence less desirable. You want that which you don't have. Link to comment
sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 krnswte143 wow im not the only one Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 oh you didnt get enough attention from your father Were you raised only by your father? I think we are onto to something here. Link to comment
krnswte143 Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 well, everyone feels needy at time.. but to a certain extent... i feel myself needy too. like i want his attention.. i want him to miss me n come see me n call me n so forth... but u cant force a person to do all that.. they need to feel that way in order for them to express their feelings towards u... some ppl show feelings and affections and some just dont... maybe ur bf is one of those type of ppl who do care n love u but doesnt show it that much? Link to comment
sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 no, by both parents, i was always such a loving kid with my mom, and even my boyfriend would tell me. there is no!! lack of affection from me, and he says that he wouldnt worry about our children and having a lack of affection because ive got enough for the whole world Link to comment
burnoutcure Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 I completely understand what you are going through, I found myself in the same place in my last relationship. Unfortunately, mine ended so please take my advice: neediness and insecurity is so unattractive. I had definite trust issues carried over from a past relationship and was constantly seeking validation from my then boyfriend. This type of behavior wears on them. It hurts to be with someone that you have to constantly convince you like. And it is also frustrating to be with a person who seems to have all of their happiness pinned down on the relationship. I think my boyfriend did the best he could given the situation but after awhile it just became too hard and not worth it to him. I am doing my best to learn how to validate myself and build my own life so this does not happen again. Just relax, enjoy the time you do have together and start building a life outside of him. Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 i was always such a loving kid with my mom What I am trying to get at here, is did your father give you enough affection growing up? You seem to want validation from your bf, so I am wondering if it's because you had a lack of it from a male figure, your father. Link to comment
sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 no affection from father, and i do want validation every single day of my life, if u only knew how many BLOODY TIMES i ask him do u love me. it makes me sick! e very time i say it im like WHAT IS UR F'in PROBLEM!! im like one of those crazy girlfriends. the longer i stay with him. the tighter i hold on to him. it sucks Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 It sounds like you have co-dependency problems left over from childhood. I am sorry you didn't receive the affection you could have hoped to get from your father. I think it's time to solve this problem now though or it will effect this relationship or future ones. Have you thought about getting counseling? Link to comment
sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 counseling cost money, i dont have money to pay for counseling. i would though so fast. i need to figure some things out. i dunno... i know if i continue with this. our relationship will fail. and what i am workin so hard to keep togethre. im actually distroying. isnt that ironic Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Are you a student? Many schools give free counseling services. Link to comment
sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 no im not a student Link to comment
burnoutcure Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Look don't be so hard on yourself. I was and it made it more difficult for me to function in my relationship. Not only was I dealing with my insecurity and neediness, I now felt guilty and down on myself. Counseling is expensive, you're right. However, there are other things you can do if you cannot afford it. There are books out there that deal with the problem. And it is so important just to reclaim your life. Start doing activities and force yourself if you need to. It may be hard at first and not feel natural but eventually it will be okay. You need to relearn your behavior and sometimes the best way to do so is to fake it until you make it. Slowly the need to call so much will wear away and then you thoughts will not be focused primarily on him too. But it takes time and effort. Don't beat yourself up over this either. Link to comment
sizzle2028 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 burnoutcure k thanx for that, its gonna be hard. because i can learn to change for a week. but i slowlyin get back into my old ways. and then i end up in this position again... happens every so often. its pathetic really Link to comment
RayKay Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Ultimately, I think the issue is you are looking at your boyfriend to fill that void in your life - that sense of personal happiness. That both places unrealistic expectations and great pressure on him, and prevents YOU from enjoying what he really does have to offer...or alternatively seeing why maybe this relationship is not right for you too. When we are codependent, we tend to stick to what is unhealthy for us too out of fear. You have to make the integral deep down changes, to rediscover yourself, and whom YOU are, and find that love that you have for YOURSELF...it will make for not only a happier you, but much better relationships as well. I strongly advise looking into free counselling services in your area, many womens health clinics offer free or low cost counselling services for example in Canada. Link to comment
Momene Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 I was too needy with my ex-wife and it was one of the things that drove her away. Now my wife is needy, I can see where my ex was coming from but 2nd time round, we're more close in our degree of neediness. I think a needy person and an independent person would drive each other mad but 2 needy people or 2 independent people can work. Link to comment
VeganBohemian Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 If you keep acting like this, you WILL lose him. Guaranteed. If you don't want to lose him, get some help. You need to resolve your issues so you don't end up driving him away. He loves you if he has stayed with you this long with you behaving in this manner, trust me. Most people would NOT put up with that! Realize what you have and if he does leave you, he wasn't the right one. Does he give you enough affection in the relationship? He may be the one at fault if he does not give you adequate affection. Link to comment
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