Why are you guys on a relationship for?

[Baby Carrot]

Honestly, I do wonder sometimes why are so many people in relationships for? Or CRAVING to be in one?

 

• Is life really much better?
  
• Is it necessary?
  
• Is it such a good experience to let pass?
  
• Is it something we all have at some degree, to go thru?
  
• Are we... dunno... designed for that?
  
• Is it always better to be with someone than to be by yourself?
  
• What are the real benefits of having a couple?
  
• Or we were just educated like that by society, culture and media, always shoving in our faces the image of a happy couple, like that's the main way of finding joie de vivre or sumthing...
  

I mean... look at this boards... flooded with people in the middle of all kinds of complications, issues and hassles, exactly because of that. And in many cases... maybe they'd be better off by themselves.

 

I just wonder...

[Beec]

Baby Carrot,

 

When it doesn't work it stinks. But when it works, it's worth all the effort. The problem we were not built for, most of the time, is dealing with our own insecurities, which often allow us to keep going when we should be stopping earlier, in lots of ways.

[Baby Carrot]

Thanks Beec.... but really...

 

I was expecting something more like...

 

"I am in a relationship for A,B,C and D, and my life is significatly better in this, this and this aspect"

[Beec]

I think you end up in one or not because you meet someone and enjoy being with them and want to spend more time with them, until they are part of your life and you want that to continue.

 

The A,B & Cs, don't get how anyone can really do that. Is my life better because my woman does my wash or cooks me dinner? My wife doesn't really, I do this stuff as much for her as her for me, but maybe it could be a way in which a woman makes a man's life better, or vice versa. Is that a reason to stick with her, I really should hope not. Is a woman's life better because she has a man to kills insects and spiders, cut the lawn and take care of her car? Maybe, and that could work for a man whose woman does such things for him. None of this is a reason to have a relationship, and if you read or have heard a set of marriage vows, you kind of disown these as reasons when you marry. So, forget the A, B, & Cs.

[freeindeed]

Those are great questions... It's funny because I think I'm one of those that are probably much better off being alone. But I want a relationship because I want that person in my life that I can confess everything to, or just hang out with on a day-to-day basis, and then ofcourse when I get a little...ya know...affectionate, it's nice to have a boyfriend as opposed to having to get completely wasted to be able to hook up with some random stranger.

 

Aside from that, my personal issues are so unresolved that I can't seem to get a relationship that's healthy and hold on to it. Either I sabotage, or I attract the wrong kind of guys.

 

Unfortunately, you won't get ALOT of answers from these boards about why their relationships work...because, as Beec mentioned, there are no A, B, C, D answers for this type of material.... It's like wanting a Yes or No answer to "what color is the sky?" Also, the majority of people who post on here are on here for advice, hardly because they have the greatest relationship in which they could solve certain problems without other people getting involved (not that that's bad!! Don't get me wrong!). But let's face it, the healthiest relationships can survive through the little tiffs without a complete meltdown.

[patch2006uk]

By nature, people want to interact and be accepted by other people. Well, most do anyway. And when you find someone who can walk by your side through anything and everything life throws at you, then it was worth all the hassle you went through to find them. if you spent all your time alone, then eventually life would get very lonely.

 

One of the greatest punishments for people of all ages is to be placed in solitary confinement.

 

we're social creatures, it's what we do i guess.

[stopit]

Speaking as someone wanting to be in a relationship, I suppose that being in one would lead to a sense of fulfillment more than anything. Everyone needs to make an attachment to someone -we have parents, relatives, friends and mentors - and a romantic attachment is just another type, perhaps a type that's at another level.

 

You could argue it's biological or environmental; either way, does it really matter? You want what you want (assuming you're one of the people who want it? if you're cynical about love and actually posing this as a rhetorical question, then sorry in advance, lol), and it eventually becomes a goal. The media certainly doesn't help, ingraining in us this expectation that we must get married at some point in our lives. Personally, I think a life without love wouldn't be very satisfactory unless you have another passion to fill its place (love for work, etc.).

 

Relationships also provide you with stability. You'll always (theoretically) have someone to support you during tough times, and someone with whom to share your victories and triumphs. Relationships (theoretically) are commensalistic, benefitting both parties in social, emotional, economic ways, but these benefits (which I'm assuming you wanted us to enumerate... A, B, C...) are highly personal, but they're there. I suppose that's the universal A, B, C: that there are benefits in the first place, enough to compensate for the "burden" (sorry for the technical terminology) of being in a relationship.

 

But then again, I'm probably just overly wistful.

[craign]

Why are we here.Why go to work.Why live instead of just ending it.Is there really a goal in the end we are trying to achieve.No its just life.Realationships are a huge part of it for some.Others workor whatever.Why question it.Its all about getting the most out of life,enjoying life.

[Momene]

I think we are designed to be like that but in many societies that we consider less advanced than ours, there's less emphasis on romantic love and more on the extended family. Their relationships are driven by their parents, siblings, etc as much as or more than their partner.

 

I think the desire to be in romantic relationships is driven by the breeding instinct, even amongst couples that "don't want kids".

 

I do agree, though, that relationships can bring a lot of hassle at times.

[loveless22]

I like being with someone that I know is number one in my life and I am in theirs. It helps me forget about all the sadness in life.

[Momene]

I like being with someone that I know is number one in my life and I am in theirs. It helps me forget about all the sadness in life.

 

But if you're dependent on them to be happy, it's not good (been/am? there).

 

Also, who becomes your #1 when you have kids? We put our daughter first because she didn't ask to be born.

[Baby Carrot]

Thanks for ur comments guys.

 

BEEC:

Is true that we end up in relationships because we enjoy the company of a certain person, but also there are thousands out there that are somehow trying like to force the destiny or something because they have this kind of attitud "I want a relationship, I wanna find 'the one' and I want it NOW". That's what I don't quite understand. For me is like... if ur lucky enough to find that person, then go for it, try to make it work, but if you don't... what are u gonna do? Go to a different club or bar every night until you eventually find him? Sign up at every coupling site you can find? Have tons of blind dates? I really don't understand very well the motives of those who do that.

[Baby Carrot]

FREEINDEED:

Maybe sometimes we get a little... ambitious. "I want a person to be there for me, who I can confess everything to, to hang out everyday, to get laid... etc etc" U know?

 

PATCH:

There may be exceptions, don't u think?

 

STOPIT:

Not cynical... I truly wonder about this matter. I also think the concept "Life with/without love" doesn't only reffer to romantic love as the only kind of "true" love in the world... love comes in many many different versions. Not only the standard romantic-moulin-rouge love....

 

CARIGN:

Why questioning? I personally can't get the most out of life if I don't question first what do I want, what does "the most out of life" means to me personally, how do I define "enjoying life" u know... I don't think any of that comes like... with the software or anything.

[Beec]

Thanks for ur comments guys.

 

BEEC:

Is true that we end up in relationships because we enjoy the company of a certain person, but also there are thousands out there that are somehow trying like to force the destiny or something because they have this kind of attitud "I want a relationship, I wanna find 'the one' and I want it NOW". That's what I don't quite understand. For me is like... if ur lucky enough to find that person, then go for it, try to make it work, but if you don't... what are u gonna do? Go to a different club or bar every night until you eventually find him? Sign up at every coupling site you can find? Have tons of blind dates? I really don't understand very well the motives of those who do that.

 

I cannot say I understand it either. However, if they really are so desparate, then they probably won't succeed. Desparation is as attractive as spreading manure all over yourself.

[Baby Carrot]

Thanks Jazzgirl, ur words and points of view gives us hope, I think.

[Baby Carrot]

INFJ:

 

I find ur post so accurate and wise, thanks! I personally think being in "the search" of your soulmate can be exhausting and is not something you can really control, or getting involved in a relationship just because "it might worth it" or even because "is better than nothing..." is too much work indeed. But it totally worths it when you actually find someone you "click" with. Maybe in the end is a matter of luck.

 

I agree on the importance of friendship as well. You may not be able to be in a relationship 100% of the time, but friends can also add to your life.

[Momene]

One of the real positives about my relationship is my daughter.

[Baby Carrot]

MOMENE:

I don't see how a daughter is part of a relationship... kids are byproducts of relationships, but not a part of it... it'd be weird. The relationships we're talking about are between 2 consenting adults...

[Grokker]

Like the guy who was asked why he was banging his head against the wall...

 

"Because it feels so good when I stop!"

 

No, seriously. For me, it's because my secret for happiness is a strange mixture of constancy and change.

 

I need constancy and stability, but I also need things to evolve and develop continuously so that they remain interesting.

 

A relationship can bring both these things, if it's a good one with the right person. It brings the stability of commitment, loyalty and reassurance. But it also brings a blank slate, a new independent variable, another thinking individual who is constantly developing and evolving herself, into a place of prime importance in my life.

 

Being alone can get old both ways. It can be extraordinarily boring to have no one around but yourself to attend to and interact with at an intimate level. It also means that you've no one to rely on but yourself, which deprives you of constancy and stability.

 

Of course, a BAD relationship can make it worse both ways too. Being with a person who is either unbearably boring or certifiably crazy skews the equation in its own way.

[Momene]

MOMENE:

I don't see how a daughter is part of a relationship... kids are byproducts of relationships, but not a part of it... it'd be weird. The relationships we're talking about are between 2 consenting adults...

 

My point is that we would not have had our daughter if we hadn't been in a relationship and she is an integral part of our lives.

[Baby Carrot]

GROKKER:

So basically, being in a relationship makes sense as long as you are with the right person...

 

But, constancy and stability are things that you can only achieve being with someone else? I agree being completely on your own can be boring and stagnant, but what about friends? What about family? Those are also "relationships". Why when we use that term we basically think in a "romantic" one?

 

You can totally rely on good friends and trustworthy people in your family. You put like there are only two ways... single and bored or extra happy as a couple of the 'right' person...

 

MOMENE:

Yes, but my point and question was... "Why are you on a relationship for?" Not "What are the wonderful byproducts of being in a relationship?". They are 2 different things.

[Momene]

Having children was one of our joint life's aims.

[stopit]

Why are you refuting the power of love? It might help us better answer your questions if you explain what background you're coming from.

 

The love shared between family members and friends is just not on par with that of romantic love. You know what? Forget romantic love: it's simply about love (romance not implied) between two individuals who are committed to one another. Not to relate love to a lump sum concept, but having the standard loves is just a diffusion of what could be a single, concentrated love augmented by all these other loves.

 

It's about attachment: as children, we primarily attach to our parents. Sure, we make friends and other relationships, but parents are the main people we turn to in times of crises or in times of happiness. Later in life as independent beings, we lack this primary attachment and fill the void with a mate. It's just human nature to development this main relationship throughout life (an evolutionary defense: children primarily attached because guaranteeing through fondness that at least one adult who could care for the child would look after her increased her likeliness of surviving; adults because it was just convenient / efficient), which is complemented by all the other relationships we make (from which we reap other benefits).

 

Skipping the entire sociological perspective above, love is just founded in human desire. Some of us are realists/skeptics and do just fine without it, but for all the romantics out there, we find ourselves craving it in its absense. It's just human nature, and to most its so natural and secondary that we don't even think about why we want it, but find ourselves engulfed in the desire to pursue it.

 

None of these explanations may satisfy you, but when you get overanalytical and start to examine which hormones and neurons lead to the desire for love, the meaningful answer gets so diluted in all the facts and statistics and cause-and-effect relations that you just lose sight of the deeper truth. If you just question the purpose of everything, the purpose of love or the purpose of life, everything gets so jaded and dull - there's a human element that can't easily be accounted for, and we lose sight of this. I may as well ask you what's the point in love in general, love between family members and love between friends. As long as you've got food and water and a decently deep enough hole to take a dump in, what more could you possibly need?

[Momene]

You're right about being over-analytical. I do believe that sometimes a spark just develops between 2 people for no apparent reason. We can follow that spark or may choose to ignore it because we may already be in a relationship.