Opinions? Advice?

[hennypenny3288]

Scenario

 

You and SO have been together for almost a year. Things appear to be well. In the course of a few things, things change drastically. SO changes, gets very nervous round you, changes plans often, routines change due to SO. Things appear to be heading for the worst. One questions the SO about what is going on. SO says he is busy with life, tired out from life, etc, etc. Nothing is said about his changes in behavior to you. You question if he is tired of the relationship. He says "no".

 

What would you do? What would you think is going on?

[hennypenny3288]

"In the course of a few things" meaning "a few weeks". Have tried to get him to talk about it. Says nothing is wrong except he is busy with some things in his life (I know about the things). Suspicions are there that he met someone. Have questioned him about it. He says "no". Time spent together is less, but time IS spent together. SO seems preoccupied and EXTREMELY nervous when together with me. What gives?

 

Questioned him about ending things. He says "no". Letting him control the situation, do things his way. Getting very frustrated, don't know what to do. Want to pick an argument with him to get to the bottom of this.

 

What direction to go?

[Privately Playful]

He seems to be disengaging from the relationship and doesn't want to be direct. Being direct is hard for most of us.

 

I agree with INJF about the "I feel..." questions. Keeping things in the "I" helps to not be defensive on either side.

 

I'd set aside some time, make a "discussion date" with him so you two can talk. Give him some notice because springing things on him probably won't be a good for an open and honest discussion.

 

Good luck, I hope the best for you both.

[hennypenny3288]

Why do you think he is disengaging from the relationship? I have asked him if he wants out of the relationship. He has said that he is happy with the relationship and with me. I gave him the opportunity to take an "out". He declined it.

 

Is there a method to reverse what may be happening? Open to all suggestions. This situation is crucial to me.

[Privately Playful]

My reasons for thinking he is disengaging is from what you've said (my intent isn't to be hurtful at all).

 

You've said he is very nervous around you, he changes and normal routines and is tired of life etc. Those are significant developments in my opinion. Think of your past relationships that have come to an end. Did your behaviors change - were you fully present until the end? Again, I'm not trying to be negative or hurtful, this is a tough situation and when our hearts are involved it can be difficult to see things if you're closer to them.

 

Unless he has had a significant life change/event his change in behaviors/routine do seem as if he has met someone else and is maybe trying to gauge the possibility of that relationship growing further or he might be feeling guilty about it. It seems from what you've shared I'd be concerned and frustrated too - something isn't the same as it was just a little while ago.

 

I agree with INFJ about not picking a fight, I can't see that helping. Rather, talk with him, tell him you are scared, concerned, curious and what to help him work through whatever it is that has caused these changes. You have a lot invested here too and deserve some kind of discussion, it sounds like your relationship was really nice and that both of you contribute to that soundness, so it's only fair that he give more than simple replies (again, in my opinion).

 

I can imagine how you feel inside and I know how those feelings have created a "Don't ask a question if you're not ready for the answer" kind of feeling in me. I wish it to be a tiny blip in your relationship and is over soon. You are most certainly not alone.