Please help..I don't feel like I can make it through this..

[jh1581]

I've been with my bf in a cross-country LDR for about a year now. We think each other may be "the one". He's told me he's never felt this way about anyone before. When he came to visit me in April, someone called him at about 3am. he said it was "a friend" and that she calls sometimes on her way back from her dance class around midnight...but it was long after midnight. I told him it bothered me, he apologized and I let it go. I never lost that gut feeling about her though and I know she calls him a LOT even though he tells me that I'm the only one and no other girls even call him. I've always told him that honesty and communication are important and that if he has female friends, that it's ok. I told him that as long as he's open with me, it doesn't bother me at all.

 

Well my feeling recently got worse and my bf called me on thursday when i was working and left a voicemail saying he was "on his way to his kickboxing class" (he usually goes to a 9am jiu jitsu class so he can take a shower before work at 3pm, but i figured maybe he just woke up late). i called him when i was done and he didn't answer. I found out his passcode by accident a little while ago, but hadn't check it in a while (see one of my previous posts about that one) I know it was wrong but i checked it. The same girl who's been calling him a lot had called and left a message saying "i was just calling to see if you were on your way." My stomach dropped because i knew that meant that he was going to see her.

 

So this is where I feel horrible. We all have myspace. So I had sent her a message earlier in the week pretending to be someone else that they went to high school with and asked her casual questions about my bf and some other people that she knew. She responded casually saying what everyone was up to now. After i found out that he was going to see her on Thursday and had lied about it, i messaged her again. She wrote back in detail talking about when the last time she had seen everybody and she mentioned that she had went to the fair with my bf that afternoon. I was devastated. When i talked to him later when he was on his way to work after "leaving his class", he said that his class "went well" and he stayed around to work out for a while, which I knew was a lie because they had gone to the fair and his voicemail AND her message proved it. I pretended like everything was fine when i talked to him, but the pain and hurt I was feeling got the best of me on Saturday (yesterday). I told him when he called me that I needed to ask him something and i needed him to be honest with me. I asked him where he had gone on Thursday and he said "my class." I said, "it's ok, you can tell me the truth." He insisted on saying he had went to his class when i KNEW he was lying. Finally I said, "you weren't at the fair with -----?" He said, why do you think that?? I said, "because she said it herself." He was quiet after that and didn't say a word for the entire rest of the time we were on the phone. Maybe he knew he had been caught and was angry? We got off and i tried to call him back to discuss things but he had shut his phone off. I had sent him a really long email explaining how hurt I was and how I wished that he didn't feel the need to hide things from me. I explained how I don't mind if he has friends and I expect him to have them, so there was no need for him to lie to me about her if they're just friends. I basically poured my heart out but I've gotten no response.

 

Apparently he talked to her (they were online at the same time right after my conversation with him) and only after talking to him did she figure out that it was me who had written her. She wrote me back saying that "I need to quit being dumb and quit playing childish games." I haven't heard from him since Saturday.

 

I am SOOOOO hurt and I feel crushed. I admit that what i did was wrong and very childish but I ended up finding out that i was right, that he had lied to me. I'm not sure if they're just friends or not, but why did he have to lie to me if they were? If he hadn't been lying there wouldn't have been anything to find and I wouldn't have had a bad feeling to begin with. Lying only makes things worse and makes it look like there's more to a situation that there maybe really is. I have only eaten once in 2 days and I can't sleep. I never thought he would lie to me about someone else and I'm sure he hates me for messaging her the way I did pretending to be someone else. I KNOW it was wrong, I have no problem admitting to it. I have never done something like that before and will never do it again. But he hasn't called so we can talk about it. I went to an extreme and did what i had to do to find out the truth because he had plenty of chances to tell me and he didn't. He continued to lie even AFTER I knew and had asked for the truth when I've always been honest about everyone in my life.

 

I was coming out to where he lives in 2 weeks and we were supposed to be together, but i don't think I'll ever hear from him again. We've only went a couple of days without talking when we've disagreed, but I think this time might be it. I feel sooooooo horrible, but I don't feel like I should call him because I feel like he owes me an apology. He lied because he knew that I would never find out about her which is why I felt like I had to do what I did.

 

I don't know if I should call him and try to reconcile or just cut my losses and try to move on from him because he lied about another girl. It's just that I don't know what he's thinking right now. We were both wrong and we're probably both hurt...he's probably hurt because i pretended to be someone else to find out the truth about the other girl, and I'm hurt because he lied to me for who knows how long about her. It makes me question what else he has lied to me about. Does he even feel guilty at all??? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who's hurting?? Why do I feel like he doesn't even care???

 

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. I love him so much and this is killing me. Thanks for reading this long post. I'm in soooooooooooo much pain right now that it actually HURTS. Please help....

[cordell13]

I understand the pain that you are going through. A year is a long time to be with someone so of course this is going to be painful. But you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that he lied...numerous times about this. I feel that if he really thought of her as a friend, he wouldn't have lied to you about it. I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh. My advice to you would be to go dark and not call him. If he truly feels bad about what he has done, he will call you. If you keep calling him, I think it will push him away. Remember, what is meant to be will be. And if this isn't meant to be, you will be ok. Focus on you and what makes you happy. Funny, I'm writing this because I'm going through a pretty similar situation. I've been seeing someone who lives several states away. I was supposed to go to his place for the first time this weekend and he called to say he was "working" and then didn't call me at all yesterday after I texted him. He usually calls 3-5 times a day just to say hi. My hunch...he's met someone else. And I'm more than hurt. So I'm doing what I've suggested you do...I'm not calling him anymore. If he really loves me and wants to be with me, he'll call.

 

Good luck with everything. I really hope it does work out for you in the end but if it doesnt, you will be ok...I promise.

[fishrrshortae]

JH-

I am sorry this happened to you. Sucks, huh You know what though.. Honestly, although two wrongs don't make a right, what you did was a lot less wrong than what he did, in my opinion.. You seem very apologetic about snooping through his things. According to your post, he hasn't even admitted to/apologized for lying to you.

 

I know it hurts a lot, and he may have had innocent reasons for not telling you, but there was no excuse for lying to you and then acting like YOU did something wrong. You wouldn't have snooped if your gut instincts hadn't been going off.

 

I wouldn't wait around for him to call. It doesn't necessarily mean that he loves you, if he calls, as some people may suggest. It means that he wants you back for comfort, etc.. A guy who really cared about you would NOT lie to you like that. Trust me when I say this.

 

That being said, I think you should cut your losses. Don't talk to him or take his calls, if he calls. He disrespected you once by lying to you, but he disrespected you a second time as well by not talking to you about it and instead, talking to this other girl about how pissed he was at you for doing what you did!

[randiandriien]

Well I'll go on and say I'm in a LDR right now too. Honestly, that is probably the hardest part of being in that type of relationship...not necessarily trust, but questions in the back of your mind. Things just don't add up and you can't exactly follow that person to make sure things are ok.

As far as I'm concerned, it's ok to do what you need to do to find out if someone is being faithful to you, deceit or not. However, if you're wrong about it, I do feel that telling your significant other is important- since you did go behind their back. Anyway, you might want to just not call him. He couldn't even be honest with you about where he was actually going. That's grounds for a hidden agenda! Try keeping yourself busy with a hobby. Or if all else fails, do what the rest of us do. Drown your sorrows in junk food with your best friends! Good luck!! I know that it's difficult to go through something like that. When you said that your heart dropped, I know that feeling too! Hurts!

[jh1581]

I just found out that he's spent every night with the "other girl" since our conversation ended on Saturday. They went to a party together on Saturday night. Sunday she had a dance performance, he went, and they got a room together that night. They're also saying "I love you" to one another. He still has not called to even apologize for lying to me about her.

 

I am devastated. I can't stop crying and it feels like I'll never get through this. He was JUST saying how much he loved me Saturday morning and now he's already saying it to her and spending every day with this girl. I can't believe how he always told me I was "the one", how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and how he didn't want to ever lose me. What does this girl have that I don't??? I'm about to graduate from dental school and will be a dentist in just a few short months and i'm independent. This girl is 22 years old, still lives at home, and just got back from a week's vacation with his best friend who lives in Hawaii. I'm dying inside and it feels like I can't breathe. How could he do this to me?? I feel like such a fool. How could he hurt me like this and not even care?? I don't know how I can ever feel whole again, but I have to go on about each day functioning when it feels impossible. To make matters worse, he has her and probably isn't even thinking about me. I don't know how I'm gonna make it....

[randiandriien]

It makes it harder because you can't just march right up to him and tell him how you feel about the situation. The only means of communication is phone, internet, etc. That makes it harder because he can just hang up or sign off.

Just take it one day at a time. You're about to finish school! That's awesome! You'll have a good career ahead of you. Right now it's time to think about yourself. She's not better than you. Don't make yourself think that she is. It'll take work, but you'll get through this. As for him, even if he appologizes and says he'll be committed to you only, I don't think it would be a good idea if it was that easy for him to lie.

 

You're better off on your own for now. The right guy will come along and he's obviously not him!