He won't tell his EX!

[kawaiico]

It makes me so sad... We've been dating for two months now. He was in a stagnant, unhappy relationship with her- and we became involved immediately after they broke up. But he STILL hasn't told her about me! He says it's because he doesn't want to hurt her- and because they've been friends for so long (long before they were romantically involved), he worries that she won't be able to handle it. I've really tried to be cool about it, but I'm losing my patience. She calls him, and emails him, and he helped her with a computer problem at her house a few days ago... Do I really need to just put up with this?!?! We can't hold hands on the street, if we're not out of town- and forget kissing!!! But he's so affectionate when he doesn't think there's a chance she'll find out. I'm sick of living this way! I'm considering telling her myself!

 

](*,)

[Scotcha]

Ick. Dump him. Secret relationships aren't really relationships at all. I'm sorry he's put you through this but it is totally selfish of him. He probably isn't even ready to date yet if he is so concerned about what she thinks.

[kawaiico]

That's such a good point.

 

I even confronted him about whether or not he's "keeping his options open". But he denied that, and I really believe him. I think he's actually just totally scared- and not man enough to even tell her. It took him months to finally work up the courage to break up with her.

[InHiding]

DUMP HIM NOW. My bf did that, and yeah, still a problem 2 years later. Broke up with him over it. Now he's going to live with her again once our lease is up. Might not be exactly the same, but you never know.

[brando]

If i were you i wouldn't say a word to his ex. I would tell him, that he doesn't appear ready for a relationship right now, and you don't feel you deserved being treated this way.

 

The problem is with your bf, not his ex. And if you intervene, it will make things worse only for you.

 

Let him know what it is you want. be specific. If he can not oblige then let him go.

[kawaiico]

You guys are so smart.

Thank you so much for your concern. After he helped her with the computer thing the other night, I was really upset- and I asked him if I meant so little to him that he was willing to lose me rather than tell her... And he said that he would never let that happen. But IT'S HAPPENING! I was so specific... I told him that if he wants to be with her- than just to tell me now. He was appalled and swore up and down that he could never be with her again. And so I said- if he wants to just maintain a friendship with her, he would have to start being honest with her... So far- he hasn't. Today I went to his work to say hi, but I heard him around the corner with customers- so I waited in a chair in the hall. About a minute later she walked by, smiled at me (genuinely) and went in to talk to him. I heard her say "*****'s in the hallway" and he said "oh is she?". Like he doesn't know me very well... And for all she knows, he doesn't! I left and fended off a panic attack. And then he sent an email: "Hey, were you out in the hall a few minutes ago?" And I wrote: "Oh yeah... That was me. Gosh, how'd you know?! I was at the county building, and walking to the bank so I just stopped by to say hi on my way. But then I heard you talking to customers, so I sat down to wait until you weren't busy. It didn't quite go as planned."

 

So far no response from him. He's a shrinking violet... So terrified of confrontation that he hides and shuts down.

[itseuphoric]

he needs to understand that keeping this from his ex is only doing harm to everyone involved, especially you. if you've repeatedly told him how you feel and he isn't listening, he may not be ready for your relationship in the first place. he shouldn't act ashamed of you- dump him

[annie24]

If i were you i wouldn't say a word to his ex. I would tell him, that he doesn't appear ready for a relationship right now, and you don't feel you deserved being treated this way.

 

The problem is with your bf, not his ex. And if you intervene, it will make things worse only for you.

 

Let him know what it is you want. be specific. If he can not oblige then let him go.

 

DITTO!

 

I must agree 110%. The problem is with him, not his sensitive ex. You are the one whose feelings he needs to protect, not hers, and clearly, he's showing where his loyalities lie, and they aren't with you if he doesn't put your relationship out in the open.

 

And don't let him tell you that she'll be crushed. It's better that she be hurt now, rather than have hopes of getting back together because he hasn't told her for 6 months that he is taken.

 

maybe he doesn't want her to know he is taken.....?

[Scotcha]

Though I am not a huge fan of them I believe it is "ultimatum" time. Let him know that either your relationship with him is out in the open from this point forward or you don't have a relationship at all.

[BetterKarma]

Becareful. I hate to be the one to say it but you might be the "rebound" girl. Doesn't matter what he says about his previous relationship, it's his actions that makes him suspicious.

 

If he's not going to be open about your relationship then something is fishy about him and his ex. Maybe (and this is only a theory) he doesn't want to close the possiblity of a reconciliation with her by telling her that he's already with you immediately after the break up. Seems like he's setting himself up to look good in front of her which, if the relationship was truly over, it shouldn't matter for both parties.

[Momene]

After 2 months she should know you're together but you don't have to say how long you've been an item.

[kawaiico]

OMG!!! So here's the update everyone... He dumped me. HE dumped ME!!! He told her about us, and that night he came over and said that he was "scared and confused" and that he needed some time alone to figure things out. He said that he's never felt this way about anyone- and it scares the hell out of him. I don't understand this. I don't understand men at all!!!! I said: "This is what people spend their lives looking for... THIS... What you and I have found!" I'm completely blindsided and devastated. If anything, I thought I had just cause to break up with HIM... But it never once occurred to me, that he could turn the tables on me. We were/are VERY much in love. This is so bizarre to me.

 

[annie24]

I am very sorry to hear this.

 

but, I think if you take some time, and look at the situation objectively, you'll see it wasn't totally out of the blue. The whole "not telling his ex" thing was pretty shady. Those were some red flags right there.

[kawaiico]

SO true... But still. So hard to accept.

[annie24]

*sigh* I know.

 

but look at the good side - at least it was only 2 months, as opposed to 2 years! you know now, so now you can move on.

 

get back out there. be good to yourself this week. book a manicure, spa, meet up with some girlfriends, take care of you.

[kawaiico]

Thanks Annie.