Are we overreacting?

[mandy]

My hubby´s brother is 23 and he is having a sort-or relationship with a divorcing mom of 48 years. She has kids of 18 and 24. The whole family is against this, and we are pretty much helpless. The real problem here is that the bro has a drinking problem and is seeing a psychologist (for over a year now, because of school-teasing and lack of self-esteem) and the lady is the wife of his former boss, and she also has a mental problem ( I do not know of what sort, but she is not capable of regular work). Now, this is not very good grounds for a relationship, is it? I believe all their common problems are the attraction factor here.

 

It adds to our anxiety that her family does not approve either, and them pursuing this relationship complicated if not contributed to her divorce. As far as I know they are not intimate yet, due to the fact that this is his first relationship, but they stay overnight, go to movies etc. what normal couples do, yet there is no "serious" involvement, no official visits to the family and friends, instead calling 3-4 times a day, when they are not together.

 

They have tried to break it off, and he was dating someone else for a month or two, but it ended when the girl got fed up him getting messages and phonecalls from the mommyfigure.

 

The general family opinion is that he shoudl fix his drinking habits and other problems first, and it would propably lead to him being interested in people of his own age, or if not, she would have at least divorced by then and really gone through with herself about what she wants.

 

I don´t know if it´s the familys place to intervene if they both are adults and all, but this is really stressing us out. This is his first relationship, does he has the means to tackle her aging issues, possible sex-difficulties etc. in later age, and in addition to her mental condition if they really become intimate and serious about this? Or what if she is just using him to get over her difficulties, and later when she doesn´t get what she wants from him, is it just good-bye? In my opinion first relationships seldom work, because it´s just getting used to the idea...

 

Or are we overreacting?

[den944guy]

Well the drinking problem won't help the situation much. I don't really think age matters unless its illegal 17yo w/ 40yo....etc..

If he's happy then let him be happy and let him learn the hard way. I know people might disagree with this but sometimes its the only way for stubborn people to learn. Take it from a stubborn guy

[overcorrect]

Unfortunately nobody can live his life for him. If you try to he will just resent it. Live and learn. Hope for the best. That's all you can do for him at this time.

[Enigmatic]

Now, this is not very good grounds for a relationship, is it?

 

No it isn't.... but I believe this situation would happen if they were both 23 or if they were both 48. Their age difference probably has very little effect on anyone other than the families considering the other problems they are dealing with.

 

This is his first relationship, does he has the means to tackle her aging issues, possible sex-difficulties etc. in later age, and in addition to her mental condition if they really become intimate and serious about this?

 

I honestly do not understand how this is any different for anyone?

 

Nobody knows the future, none of us knows if we will be able to walk tomorrow, or if we will be hit with a debilitating disease. I am sure many 60 year old people would struggle to deal with sex-difficulties, it certainly isn't just a problem for 23 year olds.

 

As far as the mental condition goes, if he didn't have his own problems, if he was an intelligent, articulate and self-motivated 23 year old then I would say he has every capability of dealing with a person who has problems... but he isn't.

 

Again that has nothing to do with age and everything to do with the fact he has serious problems and so does she.

 

Or what if she is just using him to get over her difficulties, and later when she doesn´t get what she wants from him, is it just good-bye?

 

A 48 year old woman is less likely to do this than a 23 year old woman would. Why? because when someone ages they realise fewer people may want them, a 23 year old women would perceive herself as having life ahead of her (more so than 48) and thus would be more likely to toss someone aside knowing others out there would want them.

 

In my opinion first relationships seldom work, because it´s just getting used to the idea...

 

If first relationships seldom work... then why is it a problem? If you truly believe what you are saying then you know in your heart it wont be long before they break up and you wont have anything to worry about will you?

 

But obviously that isn't what you really think in your heart?

 

Or are we overreacting?

 

I dont think you are over-reacting.. but I think you are placing unfair and unwarrented attention on the age gap. It seems that both families are more worried about the fact there is 25 years difference than they are he has a problem which could KILL him... He obviously has enough problems on his plate with his drinking and self-esteem... the last thing he needs is the entire family against him for his feelings.

 

The bottom line is this... it doesn't matter whether he is right or wrong to be in love or attracted to someone who is 25 years older than he is, because he IS feeling what he feels... you cannot change what he feels. So do you make his life worse, extradite him from his family and take away whatever support he has left to get him through his drinking and self-esteem problems simply because you as the family don't like a choice he made? Or do you put aside your own bias towards THAT aspect of his life and concentrate on helping him with his other problems.

 

If he needs help, if he truly needs a member of his family to help him with his problems, he WONT come to you because he will know the only thing you will do is "lecture" him on his relationship.

 

He is missing out on his family... and NOTHING short of a wilful criminal act should ever stop a family from giving someone their love, their support and to live up to the "unconditional love" statement most families tend to believe.

 

Put the "mommyfigure" aspect on the shelf for now, HELP him with his problems and then take things from there. You don't have to like it, but I think his problems are far bigger than an older woman relationship and he NEEDS family.