I'm not shy... so why then?

[Lubber]

I'm generally a fairly outgoing person, but for some reason when it comes to talking to girls I dont know, I suddenly become frozen, like, I'm totally motivated to meet girls, but I just cant. I mean, I get along perfectly fine with girls I know and interact with. I have not trouble talking, flirting, whatever. My best friend is a girl even! I mean, the girls I interact with now I'm either not interested in or im friends with, so my only option for a relationship now is to go out and meet new people.

 

I just have such a hard time with it though! I mean, I think im pretty confident and I always act myself around people, but I'll find a girl who I find cute and ill look at her and try to catch her eye, but for some reason when her eyes meet mine I look away. No paticular reason I just do.

 

I'm also really bad at starting a conversation. I can continue one no problem, but when it comes meeting a new girl, even if I do go up and say hi with the eye contact and stuff, I dont know what to talk about! I mean I can think of all sorts of things to talk about now but when im there I just like, forget.

 

All I'm asking is a way for this shy guy to try to start a relationship. Help!

[easyguy]

Of course there is a way. No one got where they were without stepping stones. I used to be an extremely shy guy, but over time I've developed into a more outgoing, open-minded person around girls, and people in general.

 

What is going through your mind when you try to talk to/shy away from a girl who you think is attractive? Do you feel threatened? Do you fear rejection?

 

Talking to an attractive girl is tough, I know. I've been there, and I still go through that. But I've learned not to put so much pressure on myself. It's a serious burden that has prevented me from approaching and talking to girls that I like. Of course, that said, you're problem is not going to be fixed overnight.

 

The difference between your girl friends and strangers is that the ice has already been broken with the girls you know well. The most nerve-wracking part of attraction is the very beginning, when neither of you are that comfortable talking to each other. Then something usually happens, like humor, and the "ice" -- or pressure -- is broken, and you become more relaxed around that person.

 

I have found that just DOING it, and not thinking about your actions will get you to your destination. Nothing is wrong with you. You just have this little voice in your head (most likely) that is telling you that you are feeling uncomfortable doing this. But if you try and block out that internal voice and just go for it without thinking about the result, then at least one result will happen.

 

Another thing -- practice practice practice. Go out and say hi to random attractive girls in public places, at school, wherever. It will probably be tense for you at first, but the more you do it, the more you will realize that they are just people like you and I.

 

I went on my very first date a couple days ago. And honestly, I didn't sweat it at all. For having never had a girlfriend and slowly coming out of my shell, I was totally in the game the entire time. Conversations just flowed. One of the keys to starting a conversation is taking notice of your environment. You have a big opportunity to talk about the venue you are at. For instance, if you meet a cute girl in a bookstore and you and her are browsing around, ask her if she comes here much, what she is into as far as books, etc. And if you happen to continue talking, close it out by asking if she'd like to go for coffee or go out somewhere. And if she says no, no biggie.

[Lubber]

Youre right. I need to just suck it up and do it.

I dont know though... I mean, I'm very used to rejection. I was in love (Yes im sure) with the best friend I was talking about for 5 years, and only recently have my emotions for her finally faded. We were both young at the time though, and she wasnt so interested in me and kinda destroyed my self esteem and confidence. Ironically were closer than ever now. (Check out some of my older posts for more details on that).

 

Anyways, I guess I do kinda fear rejection. Its not so much a fear though, its more of a pessamistic knowing. Like i dont fear ill be rejected, i have it in my head that I will be, and dont gather up the courage to try to defy it. Im not depressed or anything. I mean, im actually quite the optimist, but when it comes to strangers... I dont know. I dont even know why i suddenly lose confidence. Ill have it before I make a move, but then it just disappears right when I decide to.

[friscodj]

What easyguy said is good!

 

I would also like to add that some guys (myself included) just don't have success with the "cold calling" method of meeting women. I have friends who get a lot of numbers but that's just not my style. Bars, clubs, public places, even if I talk to them, strike up good conversation, etc. there just isn't enough basis to get things rolling. Every one of my serious relationships has been established through a mutual acquaintence, seeing each other on a daily basis either at school, work, the gym, etc. or through online dating sites...

 

So while you certainly should keep an eye open for every opportunity and go for it if it looks good, I wouldn't focus on making meeting random women your first priority. It sounds like you have a lot of girlfriends! They know you, and they have other female friends with whom you can establish something with through your mutual friend.

[bhzmafia]

theres alot of ways to approach girls here:

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I only discovered it last night, so I cant say how well they work... but some of them seem ok.

[friscodj]

That site has some good info on it. Thanks for the link!

[bhzmafia]

No worries.

 

Here is my three favourite ones:

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