Thinovate me from head to toe

[thinovate]

Okay,

 

Enough is enough. I am out of breath, i'm warm, i feel like a semi-truck, i am fat. When did i let go? When did i develope such an apetite? I loved my grandpa, but did his illness over 3 years ago make my stress leavels go haywire? When my mom came back from Israel, she came back with euro-style clothes for me. Size 1 pants]. Being only 4'9, all the pants she bought me were very long. I had big theighs even back then...but it's a part of me i must accept. I love bellbottom/big flare pants to proportionize my short legs with my theighs. I begged my mom to hem the bottoms so that i can wear the pants i waited so long to have. I understand he was sick, but keeping my body in smaller pants was necessary in order to stay around the same weight. I have not grown in height since 3 years ago (not that i have ever grown much). I used to be an obsessive calorie counter and body weigher. The way i worked was if i stayed at 90lbs, it was ok to eat. 91lbs, i didn't eat...89lbs, i ate.

 

Funny thing is, even when i was younger, i urged to want to go to the bathroom and discard the food in my stomach. I had jaw problems from braces/overbite and never even tried because i knew how painful it would be to open my mouth big. I'm not even talking about opening wide; opening slightly would hurt badly. I had lost about 15 lbs (because i got sick, naturally and couldn't eat for 2.5 weeks), and when you lose weight and have a great body (even when you want to be thinner), you just don't ever want to see the scale go up again. I wouldn't say i was "sick" or had an eating disorder. I was just scared of putting the wieght back on, and stressed out. Then again, i am lying if i said i didn't have an eating disorder. Because truth be told, we all have an eating disorder. We either eat too much, eat too little, don't eat at all, or binge eat and discard whatever we can in the wrong way. If you obsess about your weight and are a health nut, you have an eating disorder. If you're portions are out of control and you cannot control your eating habbits, you have an eating disorder. Does this make any sense?

 

There is that 1% out there that just got lucky with good genes and can eat whatever the heck they want, and stay lean even without excerise. Lucky @%@#$ people! For me, i am completely screwed. Even if i diet or stop eating completely, it won't take me anywhere without exercise. When i was at my lowest weight 85lbs (which in my eyes is now perfect for the height i am), i was actually...M O T I V A T E D. I wanted to be healthy. I liked to exercise. I danced in my room to techno, i walked around the block, i watched the exerise video's that my television pre recorded while i was in school. I tried motivating my best friend Vanessa, and i urged my mom & sister to walk with me, but nobody wanted to keep me company. I was still motivated, and nothing stopped me from doing it alone. I've lost it somehow. Where did my motivation go? I say i want to lose weight, but i am not doing anything to lose weight. I probably eat less than 1500 calories a day, although it is too much for someone my height anyway. I eat twice a day, but not full meals. my problem is that i eat after hours, and eat even when i am not hungry. Don't even get me started about portion control. It doesn't exist. I eat way past full, but i don't know how to stop myself from eating when I've had enough to satisfy my stomach.

 

I was an idiot for wanting to be smaller than 85lbs. I thought my big theighs made me look a million times fatter, but I think i was as close to perfect even when i weighed 90lbs. I was not a stick, but i had curves even at that weight. When you're young and stupid, you want to be skeletal because you think that is "beautiful." Skin barely covering bones is not beauty...it's sad. We do not live in Africa, we do not have a reason to look that way because we HAVE food. It is your choice to decide what foods you consume, but chosing to be anorexic is asking for death. I too was considering anorexia as a solution to losing weight fast. I still consider it, but i love food too much and i still have braincells. I mean, if it works...why not? right? WRONG. But it doesn't stop me from having those thoughts.

 

I want to lose weight, yes. I want to fit back in my clothes, yes. The ones i paid good money for. I can only wear 3 pants out of 15. 10 shirts out of 30. It's not that i don't fit in the shirts, it's just that i don't feel comfortable wearing them because of the weight i gained the past 2.5 years. I am a girl, so i wore tight (not supertight) fitting clothes that showed my body off in a classy/not trashy way. I refuse to buy new clothes. It's ok if i don't get back to the 80's, but i'd be nice to go back to the low 90's again. I don't even know how much i weigh anymore. I think i am up to 110 lbs, which is average for someone 5'3-5'5...not 4'9. I am a pear shape...i still don't know how to accept it, but i better do it before the age of 30. My upper body is smaller, although i have gained a small belly pootch, it doesn't bother me as much as the huge theighs that doubled in size. Lucky for me, i must lose the pootch before the legs downsize. GREAT *sarcasm* I kinda wanted to keep the full B, but regular B is ok with me, as long as i am healthier. I don't know how to set boundries. I used to be so strict...and i kept up with it! I kept a food diary, and weighed in at least once a day. I didn't eat after 8:00pm, or maybe 9:00. I stay up late so it's not like i ate and then fell asleep. I was in bootcamp, and i was the slighly chubby one and the administrator at the same time. My adminstrator has been on vacation for over 2 years, and i don't know how to manage being the chubby one by myself. ](*,)

[RayKay]

Yes, you have body image and a history of eating disorders. That is pretty evident by your punish-reward cycle. It's normal to fluctuate in weight through the day (I can be 5 lbs lighter in morning than afternoon due to hydration/food intake, etc) but it is NOT normal to eat or not eat if you are a pound over or under!

 

I have a history of eating disorders which I am now "recovered" from, but it is something that takes a lot of work.

 

You should aim to be the healthiest you can be for YOU. And that means neither too thin, nor too heavy. It means about finding the right body weight for you, exercising for not only weight control, but for your health, eating healthy for not only weight control, but for your health and aiming to be strong and fit...not thin and weak. Even if you were lean naturally,and did not exercise, it does not mean you are healthier. There is a term called "skinny fat" that refers to people whom are thin, but also very out of shape. Thin people can have heart attacks too.

 

Being too strict only makes things worse, as it makes your body reserve more, but it also means you are more likely to not be able to stay with it. You should make healthy lifestyle choices - meaning ones you can and want to do for LIFE, not just diet, starve, overtrain, burnout.

 

I'd recommend a therapist to focus on your thought patterns, and a nutritionist to focus on your nutrition, and a personal trainer to get you on track exercise wise.

[thinovate]

Thanks for your input, but i am not writing this in a depressed attitude. My writing is kinda cynical. Maybe i should remove the head running into the wall? Re-read what i wrote. That was the me "before" and after i read it, it actual was working for me. This is the part you might have misunderstood. I wasn't starving myself. I did not have hunger pains, i just ate less if i weighed a pound or two more. I didn't think about food 24/7! Now i am constantly thinking about food, what am i eating, why am eating so much, why can't i portion control, what is THAT person eating? how much is THAT person eating? Why am i eating more than THAT BIGGER person? Am i trying to get to the point where i am bigger than THAT person?

 

As i stated in my original post, i disagreed with being a walking skelaton. And if you read, i would like to keep having a curvy body, just in a smaller frame. Did i mention i am trying to lose at least 10lbs of the 20 that i gained. I am being realistic. I just need encouragement...someone to ask me how my day was...to push me hard at first and help me gain my motivation again, but lose some of the weight. Thinspire me.

[RayKay]

Well, honestly, you have to just do it. People can't do it for you. You have to look at your eating patterns and see what can be changed, or improved on. You have to move your body, and find your own motivation. Either find a goal - like running a half marathon for example, or a friend to work out with.

 

The fact you are obsessing over food (be it too much or not enough) IS a sign of body image and eating disorders. And you DID do it before, you said yourself you weighed yourself once a day and ate depending on what the scale said (ie not eating because you are 1 lb over your goal is not a healthy way to be). You don't have to agree with me, but you do have an unhealthy relationship to food even now if you say yourself you are overeating, and to the way you perceive your body, and those are things that need to be addressed as well.

 

And, it's why I also recommended therapy and a nutritionist. You yourself said you are not sure why you are like this, so you may need help to look into it further.

[thinovate]

This is my first post, so exuse me for being stuborn. I am not saying "Hey, go run a marathon for me and let me sit in this office job while i shed the pounds your running." All i am asking is encouragement. Possibly a new friend who is in a similar position? Would you like to pay my bills for therapy? I don't have health insurance, i bet you would stop buying food in order to pay the dr. to help you lose weight...when u already acomplished that "goal" after seeing the dr. once and are left with the 1000 dollar bill for that special visit. yay! *sarcasm*

[sophie274]

I bet you can find a nutritionist who doesn't charge that much. You could just even go once to lay out a general plan and then see where it goes from there.

 

I didn't see how old you were. If you are a student: my college has a nutritionist you can go to for free.

[thinovate]

I'm 19, and not in college atm. I know that my depression (not severe) makes me an emotional eater. I just got out of countrol and the double chin has GOT to go. I don't want to do this with medicine, pills, or anything costing more than 20 dollars. I am not being stuborn. Okay, maybe just a little bit...but money is out of the question. I'll make it, i just need m o t i v a t i o n. Does anyone have some kinda of reward program? A self reward program to teach self motivation and such?