My heart is completely broken, I'm so hurt...

[WadeCure]

Just now my greatest friend I have ever had has told me that she can no longer offer me a healthy friendship. I don't know what to do, I care about her so much and I have no other friends. I am crying my eyes right now... I don't know what to say, I need some help, I don't know who can help... I am in absolutely severe pain.

[WadeCure]

I think maybe now that I have calmed down a little I should elaborate on the prior post. I'm still hurt and devastated, I don't know if I will ever heal from the heartbreak that I feel and my heart is broken more now than it probably has ever been. This is the first and second time I've posted here in quite a while, but the last time I posted here I posted about an ex and the hardships with that, during that time things were absolutely horrible for me. When I was at my worst it was when I met her online and we developed a super close friendship very fast. I had never grown closer to anyone and she seemed to fully understand me inside and out. I ruined the friendship because I would talk about my problems ALL the time and never was there for her (even though she disagrees), I would let my depression and objectivity be masked and we would get into some cycles where it seemed I would drag her down with me. I have never been more open with anyone than I have with her.

 

I don't know what else to say, I know that I'll be typing a lot more when I'm not anxiety filled and unable to formulate words. I really need help badly, I have been in tears and I literally wrote that last post when she e-mailed me and told me that she couldn't offer me a friendship...

 

I am incredibly hurt, every close friendship I have had has failed, from high school to current - no one wants to be friends with me. The heartbreak is far worse here than it has ever been, I even dated a girl a year and a half to two years ago and was severely heartbroken for that - and it doesn't hurt as bad as this. I feel very alone...

[little_buttercup]

*hugs* Losing a friendship that meant/means a lot to you is hard. Did your friend tell you why she feels she can't provide 'a healthy friendship' for you?

 

*hugs again*

[WadeCure]

This friendship means everything to me, she means the world to me - she is the greatest friend I have ever had, I care about her with all my heart, and I have never been more open in my life with anyone. She told me that she felt she was doing me more harm than good... I guess being an enabler of sorts for my depression. Of course, I did the silly thing and bargained, I said I don't need her help or advice anymore and that I just wanted to be friends. Then that's when she said what she said.

 

She is right in some way, but.. my problems are meaningless now, I just desperately want to maintain this friendship... I care so much about her, it hurts immensely to feel this is the end. This hurts far worse than the pain I felt when I was dating a girl way back when. I suppose it's odd for me to be as heartbroken as I am, but I am. She was my only true friend.

[TAFFY]

WadeCure, I hope you don't mind me asking but I'm a little confused. You've said that your "greatest female friend" couldn't offer you a healthy friendship. I also sorry to ask if it will be a trigger for you: was the friendship at any time an intimate one?

 

She could also be telling you that becauses "she thinks" that she cares more for you than you do for her, that being friends would be a bad idea.

 

Believe me. Another gentleman and I correspond via email -- we live 1,200 miles apart from each other. We have wrote each other and talked to each other over the phone, but we have never met. I love this man with all of my heart and soul, but he just wants to be friends. I am willing to continue to be friends with this man, close friends, because he is a genuine caring, funny person to talk to. I know there will never be anything other than friendship between us, but that doesn't matter.

 

What I'm saying is that maybe how your friend feels but isn't willing to commit to even a frienddship. I really hope that you find someone that you can relate to and that will treat you right.

[WadeCure]

Thanks for your reply. Our friendship has never been intimate in that way, she has been seeing someone until last January or so. She only told me on e-mail is that she thinks that she is doing me more harm than good, that we it's not healthy for either of us because she feels I depend on her. I do agree with her to a degree, she has been asking me to find 'real help' (professional), and I plan on doing that - the problem is I am stacked full of college courses and adding another hour or so to see a therapist once or twice a week would throw a huge wrench into things (my school schedule is -that- bad, and this is my final semester, taking maximum hours.) I'm super busy all of the time... I would be more active about this but first I have to do a constant stream of homework, and when I do get free time it's usually super late every night and that's when I would e-mail her.

 

This absolutely is tearing me apart right now, I care about her immensely - she has no idea just how important she is to me and how much she means to me, I adore her. It seems I am unable to ever have a good friendship or relationship or anything, everything I touch gets ruined - my close friendship in high school dissolved, my one and only date dumped me a year and a half ago because I had a bout with anxiety, and now the person that meant everything to me tells me this because I was too weak to control my depression in front of her. I feel like giving up, I don't have anything it feels, I feel completely alone. I have only gotten 3 hours sleep, I am unable to even sleep, all I have been doing is crying. I apologize to everyone.

[TAFFY]

WadeCure, if you need to talk and don't want to do so on an open forum, you can PM me and I will always listen.

[WadeCure]

Taffy, thank you very very much for your offer, it means a lot.

 

Well, I guess an update today - I haven't heard from her today (after sending a begging and pleading e-mail prior to making the initial post asking to save the friendship), I don't know if I mentioned this but on Thursday she had an explosion of depression and what she said was 'unbearable pain,' she had a string of hardships occur that were heartbreaking not only to her but to me as well (I care about her and the events in her life very very much.) Then on Friday morning (before the e-mail that said "I cannot offer you a healthy friendship") she mentioned that she couldn't try to be friends with me because she felt she must work on not feeling down herself.

 

I felt very selfish because at the same time I was buzzing off e-mails about being depressed over silly trivial things (in my defense I didn't know she was in immense suffering at the same time until her reply.) In fact, despite her constant denial and her saying to the contrary, 90% or more of e-mails we exchanged were heavily focused on me it seemed even though I made it abundantly clear that I wanted to be there for her too and not be a one-sided friendship.

 

It hurts so badly, she has no idea how much she means to me - I was the luckiest person to have met her, I had never had a friend like her, I have told her that many times. I have always wanted to be there for her, I worry about her and I want her to be happy very very much - I wish I could have alleviated all of the pain she went through over the past few days, I would give anything to have been able to do that. I adore her with all my heart, she means absolutely the world to me and I never have felt closer to any friend in my entire life. I wish very much to salvage the friendship, to save our special friendship - but I know there is nothing I can do, any more pathetic begging e-mails will turn her away. I just am going to give her space now.

 

I feel slightly better today but I'm still devastated, I went for a run (first time I went out and exercised in a while). I have cried a lot today, I am worried that this is the end. I wish she could understand how much I care for her, every e-mail we exchanged prior to this was my favorite parts of the day, reading and writing them... my heart is shattered.

[TAFFY]

WadeCure, one of the hardest things to do is to let someone that we care so much about go. Right now, were I in your shoes, I probably would firstly concentrate on my schoolwork. If you are taking the maximum amount of hours, you need to concentrate on that, but at the same time, try not to burn yourself out studying.

 

I guess what I'm saying to you, is to let things ride a while, until you get to the point where you can give serious thought to this friend. It may be a couple of months, but if your friendship is to continue, then if it is meant to be, it will. Take care.

[WadeCure]

I know you are right Taffy, I do need to concentrate on school work and things - that's all I have time for. I wish I could take her advice and go get 'real help' but with the schedule that I have it's impossible for me to do. Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately all I can do right now is blame myself and I don't want to point fingers at myself but with a failed high school close friendship, a failed dating experience, and now a failed close knit friendship all I can see is that I'm the common denominator in all of this. I wish I could stop crying.

[WadeCure]

Well, I didn't want to be selfish and bump this thread (especially since I posted the post over on Personal Growth) but I don't know, I'm in a lot of stress and pain right now. I broke down and e-mailed her, she hasn't responded to me and if/when she does I'm sure it will be lambasting me for being needy and dependant - I feel weak for doing that since I so much want to respect her but I just gave into my broken heart and e-mailed. I'm sure I came accross as needy and dependant. I can't think of anything else besides this, I can't concentrate on school or anything. I have a test on Friday and a test this Tuesday and all that's on my mind is this. Now I'm having new struggles because over the past hour I'm realizing now that my faith and trust in people is probably also destroyed - I am falling apart.

 

I just wish for a friend right now I am sincerely very sorry for bumping this, I hate it that I'm doing this, but I'm so much in pain I can't cope.