venus777 Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 so, it seems like i can't forget the last guy i dated that used me. i'm dating this other guy that actually seems pretty awesome, but anything he does that even kind of reminds me of the other guy i'm super jumpy and lash out at him. i'm so afraid of being used and hurt again. i just want to be loved and to give love, but at the same time i'm so afraid of being vulnerable to someone else. tonight we had tentative plans to maybe hang out and when he called and said he was going to hang out with his friends, i was like, so why are you keeping us separate and he laughed and said, well, another time would be fine but we'd already made plans. and i was like o.k... and he said, so i'll call you tomorrow? and i was like, i guess so (my voice saying i was not so sure about that). and we hung up. and then i called him five minutes later and said to him, look i don't want to be some girl you just **** and he was like it's not like that but if that's how you feel. and we hung up. and i called him back and left a message saying i wanted more closure than that... he called back and i explained to him how i feel like i can't ignore my past lessons, that i'm trying not to project onto him my past experience with being used, but it's really hard, that the last guy i dated never introduced me to his friends and that was one of my clues that i was being used. and from his voice i could tell he was upset, he said, i feel insulted by what you say, i'm not that kind of person, i don't use anybody. and he was with his friend so he said he'd call me tonight when he gets home... i don't know what to do... any recommendations on how to handle this?](*,) Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Hey venus- Well, from reading your post, it certainly sounds like this is your issue and it is definitely interfering with your new relationship with your new awesome guy. You told him what was going on, which is the first step here... You need to keep reminding yourself that this new guy is awesome and is not your old boyfriend. You need to really think before you speak or act. When you catch yourself about to lash out unfairly, you need to reming yourself this new guy is awesome and is not your old boyfriend. In time, if you keep doing this, you see improvement in this regard and should eventually break this thought pattern thus "unloading your baggage" from the last relationship... If you try this and things aren't working for you, it's time to talk to a relationship counselor I think... Link to comment
GottaLetItBurn Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 You know the way you describe him he really seems like a nice guy. Yeah I know how you feel about being afraid to be used again. The thing is that you maybe blowing a really good oppurtunity here. I would say that you should have givin yourself a lot more time before you started seeing someone else. It really does take a lot of time to get over being hurt and used by someone else. If your still emotionally unrecovered, then seeing this guy could be a mistake. I think this guy is definatly something good, and he has done nothing to betray your confidence. I think you have made a mistake thinking that just because your ex didn't introduce you to his friends, then that why he used you. If anything, most young guys are immature and don't want their friends to make fun of them because they are softened up by their girl. He said he would call you tommarow, it's not like he didn't make an effort to make sure that he could talk to you at his next possible chance. I wouldn't suggest taking a break with this guy because that just is even more insulting. I would suggest that you find some other altenative to get over your last relationship. Every guy deserves equal chance with no grudges or past feeling held to them. Link to comment
venus777 Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 I just woke up from a nightmare in which he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore, it was based at work where I've been under incredible amounts of stress lately, so I'm realizing it's combined stress, I think I've also been concerned because I've had issues with a couple of people at work that I have personality flaws that might prevent me from being able to be a whole half of a relationship, that he might not be able to like me because of my flaws. Funny, when all that was happening at work, I was also thinking about him, thinking, does this mean I will mess this up? Definitely I'm projecting my fears out there, thus creating the worst possible scenario. He said he was going to call but he didn't, I don't know if it's just cause he got back too late from going out with his friends or if it was cause he changed his mind. But I'm sure I'll have another chance to talk with him. I mean, knowing that I want to work on this, I guess that's all I can do, and hope he can be patient with me, but it might be too much for him... I mean that guy who used me I wouldn't even call him a boyfriend, it was someone who didn't mean much to me because he never let me get close to him. So I didn't feel sad about it per say, sort of hurt, but mostly just didn't want to put myself in the same kind of position cause there had been glaring warning signs of a bad situation and I didn't pay attention to them. It's the thing about trying to be smart, but then overthinking things too much I guess. Link to comment
Süsser Tod Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Venus, new relationship means new people, and new people deserve a chance. Please give this guy the chance he deserves before the relationship turns sour. Yeah, I know how you have to learn from previous mistakes, but don't make him pay for what another guy did to you. Link to comment
venus777 Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 i don't think i'll have a chance to give him a chance. he might not want to try with me now... i wrote him an email after my nightmare and called him and he has not attempted to call me back... Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Well, if it's meant to be, you'll hear from him again. If not, at least this situation showed you where you need some work and I'd do a little more work and healing before pursuing another relationship. I would also consider seeing a counselor if you feel things are not improving over a bit of time. The next time, keep telling yourself, over and over again: this new guy is awesome and is not your old boyfriend Link to comment
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