My boyfriend says he wants to end us but can't! Help!

[Goldie]

I cannot begin to tell you how much I'm hurting at the moment. My heart is trying it's hardest to let me know how much it's breaking and I haven't eaten a thing in two days.

 

The thing is my boyfriend of a whole year told me last night that he wanted to end it but then said he couldn't. He also admitted he'd been avoiding me for the past month. And also kept apologising for saying all these things because he didn't want to hurt me and was in a bad mood.

 

To cut a long story short we moved in together after just three months. Then after four months of that I moved out of his again. And ever since all that we have been having the same niggles and arguments for as long as I can remember... which usually revolve around my insecurities.

 

Insecurities being we met in the city I'd moved to away from family and friends and then I moved out of the city to live even further away from home to be with him. So I guess bitterness is eating away at me ever since he asked me to move out. And I guess that's why I'm insecure... living in HIS home town with all HIS friends.

 

The more I've had my outbursts, complaining that he doesn't love me and doesn't do enough for me the more it puts him off. He hates talking about it and so we go round and round in circles. I have to deal with all my silliness by myself and I think it takes huge strength to try to make a relationship work on your own.

 

It's now got to a point where all my insecurities have driven him away. I have been known to get jealous but I've sorted that out now. It's more trust and other issues. I think I've gone from a confident, independent and happy person to a needy, clingy and insecure idiot. Ideally, all I want is to be happy and loved.

 

And what's so frustrating is that we could be so perfect for each other and I know I can be that happy and confident person again.

 

I just think after being hurt by other men in the past I react this way because I'm so scared of getting hurt. But this sort of defence mechanism is destructive.

 

An example of our arguments stems from me thinking he doesn't love me. So I ask for more attention and act so pathetically sometimes to get a response. He in return feels like he can't do anything right and it's stressing him out.

 

To make matters worse I'm convinced all my mates have had enough of me as well going on and on about it.

 

I am feeling so pathetically sorry for myself but I just can't help it. I feel like every drop of self-esteem I ever had has gone.

 

We had one huge bust up last month where he said the same sort of things, that he wasn't sure if he wanted to see me still and I did all I could to apologise and said it wouldn't happen again.

 

And for that whole month I was doing really really well. I was building my confidence back up and going out with lots of different people and making the effort to arrange fun nights with my boyfriend and chilling out. I felt great. But then I got really drunk on friday night and it all came out again. I shouted at him and told him he didn't love me and all the insecurities were still there.

 

But when I woke up on Saturday I just laughed about it. And that was that. But my boyfriend didn't laugh. And that's when I realised he'd been waiting for it to happen again and had felt uncomfortable with me all month.. Which really killed me because I'd tried so hard to make him see that I was chilled and happy and cool about everything. And I genuinely thought I was.

 

I had a good chat with him last night and like I said, he said he wanted to end it but couldn't. 'Couldn't' because I truly believe we were made for each other. And I know he loves me. Which is ironic isn't it.

 

But he's getting sick of all this relationship stuff and mentioned how he'd always been a loner.

 

That's when my heart landed in my stomach and it hasn't left ever since.

 

What should I do? I kept my cool last night and tried to listen and be very understanding... trying not to let the things he was saying hurt me too much and just being myself and all cheery. I think he appreciated that and we were even joking and laughing by the end of the night. I think he felt better after getting things off his chest.

 

And I ended up sleeping over at his again before going to work early this morning.. But I just can't keep his words from going around in my head 'It doesn't feel right' 'I'm a loner' and 'I've been avoiding you'

 

I left this morning not knowing where I stand as he was still asleep.

 

What's my next move? Do I leave him alone and just try and get on with my life, keeping busy and happy? And hope that with a bit of space he'll realise I want us to be happy?

 

Goldie xx

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

This situation sound all too familiar. Some men like to turn everything around on you and blame you for it all. He stayed in this for a whole year and just now is he deciding that he can't take anymore. A year is a bit long to be confused. Listen..even if you are insecure..he still chose to stay. Then he continues to make you feel alone...(which only adds to the insecurity) nice move. I suggest you move on to another man..start over..learn from you mistakes with this one...and sooner or later you will find a man who will not always act distant and make you feel like a piece of crap. You two are not compatible. The ironic part is this was me about two weeks ago. And men who make you feel like your this horrible person who they pitty and feel they are trapped are just as weak. What man in there right mind would wait 12 months to decide to be honest. You will be hurting from this man time in and time out. Men do not change...and how he is with you is how he will always be. GO find someone else. Good luck..I'll pray for you. Hopefully you will be as strong as me and tell screw him and the horse he rode in on. How dare him make you feel this sad. I can tell your a light hearted person who deserves better. He sounds like a manipulater. And I bet you already know this deep down inside...but just don't want to come to grips with it. Get over him ..now and smile later.

[Genesis]

You have to change before it is too late!! I did the exact same thing expect myB/F was cheating on me. I felt so bad about myself and we would fight all the time it was bad. The best thing for you to do is move out on your own and set up times of when to see him 2-3 times a week give him space he is burned out from you right now.

 

At least your ex is trying to work things out, my ex just cheated on me and blamed everything on me. You need to find strength to not be so dependent on him. Set a time each day for you to do something nice for yourself like going for a walk, visiting a friend, reading a book. You need to take the pressure off of him and your relationship. If you back off he will start to treat you like he use to. If he does not , at least you had the time to reconnect with yourself. The mistake I learned from my past is never let a man validate who you are, and also never give him more than you are willing to lose. It looks like you have lost alot already your friends your selfesteem, your peace of mind.

 

Tell him that you relize that you have been quite emotional lately and then give him space, if he really loves you he will try to win you back. If this relationship has fizzled out at least you can walk away with dignity and pride and not some needy loser.

[Goldie]

I don't think I've explained myself enough.

 

I agree it is unfair of him to blame everything on me and I know deep down it takes two to tango. But all this wouldn't be happening if I'd just chilled out and accepted he loved me.

 

I have been a nightmare and really do have a nice bloke.

 

I think I should give him space and back off. And let him come to me.

 

It's going to break my heart doing it. And like you've advised, I have been going out with friends, doing stuff on my own. I've seen him once or twice a week for the past month.

 

Nothing seems to be working so this weekend coming up I'm going to disappear and have a weekend on my own in the country. So I can get my head together and work things out. And also giving me and my boyfriend the space we need.

 

I still haven't eaten and all I want to do is ring him and tell him how much I want all this bad to go away and that I love him because I truly do. But I know he'll be ignoring me again and chasing him will only drive him away further.