This time around, I am the Affair

[LotusFlower]

I recently left a 7 year relationship due to several natural and what seems to be 'normal' things anymore; amongst them, cheating. I have always been faithfull my entire life, even to him and he was not. However now I am unfaithful in the opposit roll now.

While living together during a 6 mo. breakup, I got online. Met someone, he has a g/f and is in a similiar situation as I was. The difference beeing, I was done with my relationship and had started the process of closure. He stands where I did 2 years ago...I assume.

My ex left. And I met my friend online, and his g/f in a tangle of lies, as the 'friend'. And he came here to meet my life. There is love and friendship both between us. Due to force of distance and the nature of our entanglement, we are more so forced to be friends then lovers, naturaly. Our daily ritual of phone calls and extended hours of online chatting has been going on for a year now. He is still w/ her, but he hates her like I did my ex, and I get it.

I'm tired however, of beeing second, even though the situation is honestly convenient for me. I mean, i did just leave someone I thought I was going to marry...and I do feel slightly selfish. He is a consistent campanion in my loneliness, and even when I try... I can't break it off, I dont' really want to. I feel selfish...and patient...

I dont' regret my ex cheating, actually its a blessing in disguise. Its too ironic that I am here in this position though, doing what i feel is wrong if done to me. But I would never deny my friends the feelings of this--love in any form if it is natural--do u know what i mean?. I feel bad her, but I feel for him more.

I would have moved to him had it happened faster, obviously that is what love does...but do i let it go even if I love him, for principal...even though i am closing myself to the small 5% chance of affairs that work out. But what of that 5%...

](*,)

[sonjam]

Girl, you need a reality check. He's postponing his breakup with her, because even though he's telling you he hates her, he is still PHYSICALLY with her, and you are fulfilling his emotional needs (long distance). He's not going anywhere, and you are putting your life on hold for the promise of something that MIGHT happen, but highly unlikely.

 

Can you see that too?

[LotusFlower]

I think financialy ties in more then physicaly...Ive seen them around eachother, in person. We met because we felt we owed it to ourselves to see if it was love. I guess the best thing is just to emotional withdrawl myself down to a level of friendship.

[theantibarbie23]

I recently left a 7 year relationship due to several natural and what seems to be 'normal' things anymore; amongst them, cheating.

You consider cheating natural and normal? I am sorry but that simply isn't so. I can't understand why you would want a man who's a cheater when you just got finished dealing with one!

 

I mean, even if he leaves his wife eventually to be with you, you would always have to wonder if he was going to turn around and start doing this to you.

 

If a person is unable to handle relationship problems without straying from their marriage, it's unlikely that thier coping stratagies are going to up and change just because they switched partners!

 

You don't need this crap, go find yourself a man that can give 110% of themselves to you and doesn't have all this baggage!

[coach]

I wonder if part of you is content to stay as you are with this relationship?

 

Perhaps this 'half-way house' position feels safer than making the level of commitment that a full-time relationship would require?

 

Also, could being involved in an affair yourself seem like 'balancing the scales of life' i.e.: "I was cheated on - all's fair in love and war" - "now I'm the other woman" ...?

 

Your trust was betrayed and you were a victim of betrayal, being party to making someone else a victim is no remedy, you are worth more, aim higher.

[RayKay]

Cheating is "normal" and "natural"? As long as you believe that, I think you will find yourself in similar situations many times over, in fact you already are in such a situation. Even if he WAS to leave her, you would end up with another partner, whom when times got rough would cheat on you. And of course, since it is "normal and natural" it would start all over again.

 

As long as you believe in that, and believe you deserve that, it is what you will end up with over and over.

 

He says he hates her, but he is still with her. I wonder what he tells HER himself? In fact, I wonder what he tells himself to justify his cheating on her in his mind?

 

What does this say about his ability to commit? To resolve conflicts? To work things through? How are you going to trust him? Trust yourself?

 

He is doing to his girlfriend what your ex did to you, and I cannot even imagine why you are choosing to be in this role now. And you want someone whom will talk of how he "hates his partner"? He has no children with her, they are not married, if he truly wanted to leave, he would. What kind of maturity is he displaying by staying with a woman he "hates" and cheating on her? You honestly have no idea what really goes on with them behind closed doors, other then what he tells you. And he is already proving himself to be a liar and deceitful.

 

You are selling yourself short. He has had a year to leave, if he wanted to, he would of done it. Even if he had, you would then be the lucky partner of a guy whom cheats & lies. Not only is he using HER, he is using YOU. Because if he wanted you bad enough, he would already have left her.

 

There are some sites that focus specifically on infidelity, is a good one. You as both a betrayed "spouse" and an other woman, may find some interesting reading there.

 

I have a feeling you are participating in this because you have not quite healed from the hurt of your broken relationship, and you are in a way staying with someone whom won't commit, to keep your distance. But it will only hurt you more in the end.

[LotusFlower]

Hey...want to thank you guys, I've enjoyed reading the responses. Yes, yes... once a cheater always a cheater...that one is not true, lets just get that out of the way. We would be doing the world such a dis-service if we thought people couldn't change.

Hes not married, just want to clear that up...i would never be involved w/ a married man... i don't think...I'm surprising myself with this one! Haha! Also want to clear up that i don't think cheating is 'normal', there was sarcasm in that sentence...but actually it is more prominent these days.

 

I think the not wanting to committ on my part is a good suggestion. I appreciate those of you who saw that...using the online thing as an assured distance and safety. Also the alls fair in love and war... good call, maybe I am subconsciously trying to even out the cosmos.

 

What I would be interested in is a man's perspective that has done this...or been in this situation.

 

I am going to stand up for our connection however, and our deep friendship that we have developed. Again...you guys are helping me lean towards just friendship with this man...but I do like and enjoy his company.

 

We both felt as if God has brought us together...his mother was dying when we met, and did shortly after. We have actually learned alot together...even alot about cheating in a sense.

 

I just wish that I could help him to be happy as he is actually a very genuine (regardless of the situation), and very talented individual.

[theantibarbie23]

He's in an unhappy relationship and is looking to live in an online long distance fantasy rather than show some integrity and ethier work on fixing things with his significant other or end things with her. Instead he is sitting on the fence and eating his cake and you are the one handing it to him.

[LotusFlower]

Well I'll let you know what I decide to do and how it turns out. Thanks...=)

[vortex]

My situation was that I was cheating on my partner with this woman. And your situation is similar in some way to the “other” woman. She was expecting me to leave my partner and she ended up giving me an ultimatum. But I couldn’t leave my partner, because despite my feelings for that woman, I still cared and probably still loved my partner. I felt that I owed something to my partner. We’d recently moved, she’d gone back to college and I felt that I needed to be here for her. I needed to support her financially, emotionally. I couldn’t just leave her. The other woman wouldn’t hear any of that. She didn’t want a long distance relationship either. So it was an infinite game of – yes, no, yes, no etc

 

But unlike you, she decided to move on. I still miss her, but I’ve committed myself to my partner and to trying and make it work despite all the problems that we were having and that lead me somehow to cheating.

 

Some of the people have mentioned that you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. I think they are right, and I’m talking from experience. He’s saying that he hates her, but he’s still with her. Well, he might well want to be with you, but there might be reasons why he cannot do so, financially etc.

 

But this is what I think, he is probably just as confused as I was. He most probably doesn’t really know what he wants. He wants you both, but he can’t have you both. His gf is giving him something that you can’t and vice versa, that’s partly why he’s still with her.

 

My advice to you is to break it off. Don’t even try to be friends. Just move on. This is not an easy thing to do ‘cause like you said you like his company etc. He’ll probably beg you to stay and argue his case long and hard. It’s gonna be EXTREMELY hard, but that’s what you’ve gotta do. MOVE ON. Give yourself a chance to be truly happy with someone who is FREE and who will be yours 100%.

 

Good luck.

[Shadows Light]

Vortex... I just wanted to say thank-you for your candor. It certainly does shed a different light on what goes on behind the scenes. And there are certainly many sides to the coin.

 

Lotusflower... I agree with Vortex and the voice of experience. Your man has had time to make changes in his life. And for whatever reason he has not made any changes in his life.

 

He's in his comfort zone. And not willing to admit that change is possible for him. Does he like being miserable and living with someone he hates???

 

Take you out of the equation for a moment. If he wanted to make changes he would have/could have and has opportunity to do so. What is stopping him from moving out on his own. Renting an appartment of his own? Moving in with a friend (not you) or a family member? A sibling and sharing expenses. Reclaiming his LIFE as an individual. Living on his own and working on HIM.

 

What would your relationship look like if he removed himself from that relationship?

 

Maybe a bit more "NORMAL"... you'd be able to see each other under normal circumstances, dare I say.. DATE openly. And be able to figure out if you are "TRULY" compatible.

 

The internet thing is great.. but you can not gage someone and communicate properly as we humans were intended to face to face. MUCH is losts in INTERNET communication. Its a CEREBRAL connection. But not a full experiences. You miss out.

 

And why are you subjecting yourself to this type of relationship? Because he won't bust a move or he doesn't want to.

 

Could it be he's sitting his butt on two chairs right now.. trying to figure out which situation would be better for "HIM"?? He's thinking then about numero UNO.. Number ONE. HIMSELF. Not thinking about you.. and how you must feel.. or the compromises you are making. "WAITING" for him.

 

You are cutting yourself short. And you are going to drive yourself crazy.

 

Somehow you have to find the strength to "CUT THIS OFF" at the knees.

 

Be honest.. and just tell him how you feel. And tell him that you guys need to 'break'. He truly needs time to either FIX IT or get out. And you need to work on your social skills. Maybe get out there and start living again. Give yourself time to heal. And then... NC. As painful as it is... NC.

[vortex]

 

Could it be he's sitting his butt on two chairs right now.. trying to figure out which situation would be better for "HIM"?? He's thinking then about numero UNO.. Number ONE. HIMSELF. Not thinking about you.. and how you must feel.. or the compromises you are making. "WAITING" for him.

 

I do not wish to generalise things, I appreciate that everybody is different and situation differs. However, Shadow Light, I can totally relate to what you said. thereforeeee, I wouldn't be so surprised that the same thing might be true of Lotus Flower's lover.

 

Lotus Flower, I appreciate that this isn't an easy issue to deal with. I wish you all the best. Hope you find the strength to fight this emotional and mental dilemma.

 

Take care

[Shadows Light]

I do not wish to generalise things, I appreciate that everybody is different and situation differs. However, Shadow Light, I can totally relate to what you said. thereforeeee, I wouldn't be so surprised that the same thing might be true of Lotus Flower's lover.

 

Its not all that uncommon Vortex. He's got a comfortable position where he is at home. Financial stability. Physical wellbeing. A net of friends and family. The only thing he doesn't have... Emotional fufillment. hmmm

 

Jumping to the other side of the abyss... is GF going to "keep him" or discard him, reject him maybe like Wifey did. Reject him.. cause he's still the same person with all the same foibles. With Wife.. contempt has set in. She's found all his little flaws and has made him vulnerable. He no longer feels like a WINNER. So...he ends up fufilling that void through GF.

 

He's weighing all his options. thinking.. Hmmm is the grass greener on the other side of the fence or will I find there is a septic tank under that green grass.. and find myself in a "worse" off position. Now FINANCIAL insecurity. Facing Hatred from EX. Possibly contempt from chidren, family and friends.. and finding his behind landing in a ONE BEDROOM EFFICIENCY staring at FOUR WALLS wondering how he got there.

 

Caught in a catch 22. Cornered. PINCER POSITION.

 

For a persons mental well being... this is probably one of the biggest reasons.. ADULTERY is not a good thing for anyone concerned. And its probably the reason, "THEY" the collective conscience of all the Learned pass along the wisdom of ... "IF it is that bad and you can't fix it.. get out. Get out on your own. Do damage and collateral damage control.. and HEAL THYSELF... and then go on with your life." Else you'll find your AZZ on a razors edge... OUCHIE...... {{GRIN}} we humans tend not to follow the directions or the natural order of things and do things the HARD WAY.

[LotusFlower]

Today he says he thinks he was born to love me...

That he and her discussed just beeing friends and not living together because they fight so much yada yada...

and on about a possible future here...future there...

I said you should live by yourself first...maybe we can see eachother more for longer periods of times...

We both have a need to see eachother again, I guess we can't stop it. I said I didn't want to be second...but that I couldn't just move there until I knew we would really work together and do the whole family thing...so more like lifting the 'dating' to another level. Remember we've seen eachother already twice.

 

So, I don't know... all I do know is that I love him...in many ways.

 

Vortex...do you regret staying at all?

[Shadows Light]

Today he says he thinks he was born to love me...

 

ohhhh PLEASE... red flag on the play. Thats all I'll say on that one. I don't mean to sound hard.. but eeekkk "born to love you"...thats much.

 

As to him living on his own and then "dating" yes... I think that is a wise wise choice. Is he interested in something of that nature or does he want to jump from one ship onto yours right away??????

 

Be true to yourself and just be careful. Guard your heart Lotusflower.

[LotusFlower]

He wants me as both...his lover and campanion; and a reason to leave her.

 

He claims he doesn't want to hurt her, but I know its because he doesn't want to be alone.

 

I want him to leave her for himself, because we both know that we may not work out.

 

We also both know that for a year...everyday kind of feels like the first.

 

Oh, I could just scream! And then all I want is to smell his hair again...you see, we are in continual infactuation-lust-love-obsession with this long distance thing. We know so much about eachother, but yet still so much to learn etc--so there is excitement. there is also the thoughts of never wanting to take pieces of him for granted...skin, breath, eyes...sighs, because it is so desired yet so untouchable right now. Its nerve racking. He calls me sometimes 4-5 times in the morning between his jobs just to talk, or tease me, or listen to me ramble, or wake me up----so hello! how is a girl not suppose to fall for that??? I think he is equally obsessed with me to be honest with you.

 

And for the 'born to love you thing'...thats something I would say...haha.

 

See...I just keep stickign up for our love...and no advise seems to sink in, its weird. Maybe I was born to love him.

 

Man love can make u feel so dumb.

[vortex]

Vortex...do you regret staying at all?

No I don't regret staying. It's been tough, really tough. I used to miss the other woman like hell for the first few months. But now the withdrawal phase is over and I feel so much better. Lust and obsession can so easily be confused with love. Then again, what is love?

Shadows Light : For a persons mental well being... this is probably one of t he biggest reasons.. ADULTERY is not a good thing for anyone concerned

I realised the above afterwards. An affair is unhealthy and can only cause pain and confusion. Of course, there's the excitement part of it, but hell, its not worth all the mess.

 

My relationship with my partner is recovering, slowly but surely. For the first time in a long time, my heart beats when I think of her and I truly desire her. This whole affair has, in some way, forced us to put our feelings into perspective and to reconsider our life as a couple.

 

NO, I DON'T REGRET STAYING. My only regret is the pain and hurt that I caused both women during my "confusion" phase.

[Shadows Light]

I cut the above exerpt out of something else I wrote to someone. I am in the midst of reading this book at this time.

 

Vortex... if you get a chance and you are a reader its a good read. Talks about some of the reasons behind infidelity. Brings it down to a very base level a bit. And talks about the wiring of our BASE NATURES as Men and Women. Mind you... I've just gotten through half the book.. so I don't have the full picture yet. But the author talks about how in the animal world.. you can have an old horse. Who absolutely has no libido.. no spirit.. no will or gitty up. Place that old horse in a pasture full of NEW MARES... New to him.. and he behaves differently. More confident. More spring to his step. Vigorous etc. Further testing shows that his sperm count and health of sperm improves quiet a bit. Take that old horse back to a pasture with Known Mares.. and his confidence is still pretty much up there...etc etc.

 

Haven't gotten further into my reading yet and I'm already starting but a question comes to mind. The mental turmoil asside... has the experience made you better in anyway? more understanding? more confident? improved your self worth? Improved your sex life with your wife? Improved communciations in your marriage? What are the positives?

Sometimes they say you have to go through allot of pain to go through

the learning and gain wisdom. How has it improved things for you?

 

Lotus Flower... ahhhhh LOVE... I hear you. Your heart tells you one thing... and your head tells you something else. I've so been there.

Kinda like gambling in vegas actually. You sometimes wonder which one to listen to. If you listen to the head... your heart pulls you and says.."but you might miss out on the greatest love of your life....." I know.

 

Since you've already been in a relationship that hurt deeply. And you've been on the recieving end....I'm sure you've beat yourself up over now being the pot to call the kettle black.

 

I know that as a friend of his... you want only for his good. Whether he winds up with you in the end... or not. This is not a mentally HEALTHY situation for "HIM" to be in right now. You are kind of in a power postiion because you are OUT. You are a "FREE" agent. Your emotional/mental investment is LESS than his. "HE" on the other hand is sitting on that razors edge that I was talking about previously. How long do you think he can do that??? and maintain emotional and mental health???

 

Gut instinct tells me that your best move here... would be to break all ties... and go NC. Give it a break. A break for him to do what he needs to do ... and make the decisions he needs to make. As painful as that sounds... and as painful as its going to be... the pain will be greater if you allow the relationship to keep forming connections and the web gets bigger.

 

Already I can hear yearning in your writing. And a want for more. MORE is not possible and it just very well may not be possible for a long time. If you let it continue... CONTEMPT for him may set in because he's sitting on a fence. And once Contempt enters a relationship... its all down hill from there.

[LotusFlower]

First I want to thank you for even having interest in my little love affair. Its crazy...the feelings.. like you say...love, man what is that.

 

And yes, being the other girl having an affair with another womens man is weird, and not a position i feel i chose. Again I feel their is lessons "karma" if you will that we are learning in this together... if that makes any sense to u.

 

Get this... so they finally break it off, he has been telling her they shouldn't be together and then feeling frustrated that nothing is happening. Well she folds and says okay lets end it then. 4 days later...she is diognosed with cancer. He is emotionaly leaning on me...I am forced to be his friend.

 

His friend. I guess thats what I am beyond anything else. I can't do the NC i tried, and he just lost his mother to cancer...so imagine what he feels like...

 

i understand this changes everything...I feel horrible for her and for him.

 

Thats my update. And again thank you for caring and sharing your thoughts.

[Shadows Light]

4 days later...she is diognosed with cancer. He is emotionaly leaning on me...I am forced to be his friend.

 

Lotusflower... ouchie.. the above posting made me cringe.

 

Ok.. so maybe I'm one of those "the glass is half empty kind of gals"... but I'll bite.

 

When you heard this... did any part of your "GUT" send off a red flag?? does he come up with excuse after excuse to rationalize his behavior??

Is there so much drama in his life.... things that happen to him or around him that is just... TOO STRANGE to have been made up by a person?

 

Keep all of that in mind.

 

I can understand you wanting or needing to be his friend. And wanting or needing to support your friend through hard times. As long as YOU don't become his "DOOR MATT"

 

His mother died from cancer... ok thats fact. It was a blow. He's gotta learn to get over it and deal. Its his shtick. Don't go feeling sorry for him. He OWNS his own grieving process.

 

His wife now being diangosed... timing seems pat don't it? Not saying its not true... weird things happen all the time. Just protect your heart.... and protect yourself. Just because he appears cornered and stuck.. it should not corner you.

 

YOU deserve to be 1st.. not 2ne.. not 3rd... his wife can be sick with anything for the next 10 years or more of life. What are you going to do??? Piss your life away waiting being someone elses cheer leader and emotional support????? Wait for you turn up at bat????

 

GF.. be his friend. But don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you have the chance to go out and meet people.. then you take it. LIVE your life. Don't wait around for it to start.

[LotusFlower]

Shadow Light, I hear you!

 

They aren't married. I am not necessarily on hold, I have lots of other things in my life consisting of jobs, friends, family, art, travel, and I am only 6 months single now. I am more selfish then anything, stubborn and I need love in my life for inspiration. I am also an unconditional lover and friend.

 

Red flags as in lies? No. Red flags from the universe,as in pay attention? Yes. Not run, but pay attention, there is a deeper force here at work. As for him always making up excuses, no...he has been honest with me from the start.

 

Its not time for me to be in a relationship, obviously or I would be. I am actually still slightly disappointed in the male species in general and find it hard to be around men. I feel objectivied or else misunderstood around them.

 

I know this story sounds so dramatic, and it is. There was some thrill and excitement for us in the beginning, now there is obstacles and random acts greater then us.

 

It is a time for me to heal and re-discover myself. I have actually been doing pretty good and there is alot of change and opportunity around me. I guess, I just wanted...him. I found him, and I then I made it so we met, we both learned how to open up to someone again. And here we are, in this place I put us in, we put us in. In a place I want to be, but in a place where I have no controll.

 

Its ironic. I learn from this daily though. I learn about friendship, about the spychology of the mind as I listen to myself. Also it has taught me about fait, because I honestly in the bottom of my heart know that we where meant to meet, and to have held eachother.

 

What I am unsure of and scared of is that it might not happen again. I am prepared to walk out of this thankfull that it happened, as I think he will too. That is if we ever walk apart...again in this life. He is framiliar, if you know what I mean.

 

Anyways... Maybe I'll start a new post about work and the stresses of insomnia!!! Just kidding.