Suddenly Single....and one nite stands Suk!!

[cinna16]

OK its a weird world out there.....especially if your single. Im 17 and havent been single since I was 13, I've bin in a couple long terms and suddenly decided that I want to go it alone.....but im having a bit of trouble. I have a bet that I want to win with my friends......and for that i have to stay single for a few months until I leave for europe.

 

But after having just one.....one nite stand on came the feelings, so I want to know how you have one nite stands with some one really hot and not have feelings for them??

 

Beacuse ultimately, they are only looking for a one nite stand to.........and I just hate getting hurt wen they dont talk to you the next time they see you, as if you are all that matters one minute when they chase you for a week then nothing the next time you meet in public.......so how is it supposed to work??......Its great....but it also really really sux!!

[Shidoshi]

Im 17 and havent been single since I was 13, I've bin in a couple long terms and suddenly decided that I want to go it alone.....but im having a bit of trouble.

Did you make this decision because you truly want to or do you feel "pressured" to do it? If you enjoy having more long term relationships why not stick with that? Don't get caught up in all the instant gratification that's become such a big influence (in certain countries). I personally don't think women are into ONS's as much as men because there's a certain amount of detachment that needs to be present. If you want to go down that road be prepared for the consequences that come with it.

[Mattie]

I'm going along with what everyone else has said really.

 

If you don't like one night stands and what comes with them, it's best to avoid them.

 

Granted, that is easier said than done. Sometimes they do just happen. I suppose the thing to do is to try and get into a habit of not expecting anything further to happen. If it does, it's a bonus, but if you can get into a state of mind where you just take it for what it is, then you'll be able to deal with them a lot easier.

[smittenkitten]

I like the point Shidoshi made. Do you, truly, want to be single, or are you just trying to do it to win a bet that your (possibly jealous?) friends made with you?

 

I think that you might be wanting a relationship, but in the interest of "winning" this bet (can you really win something that doesn't honor who you are?), you're trying to get your needs met by "cheating" a little bit. Ie, you're not really interested in just having casual sex with men- deep down you want a relationship, maybe miss being in a relationship, and by telling yourself that you're just having "casual sex", you can fill part of your need to feel loved by a man. It's like being on a diet (that you really, REALLY don't want to be on!), starving yourself for days and then sneaking a whole bag of potato chips when no-one's looking. You wind up feeling sick after eating them, 'cuz they're not good for you, but instead of considering if perhaps you should alter your diet, you wonder, "How can I eat these potato chips next time without feeling sick?"

 

Maybe you just need to go off the diet & enjoy something that truly fulfills you.

 

I'm not sure why your friends are giving you crap about being in several long-term relationships. Maybe because you're so young. Maybe because they're single. But I think it's a lot healthier for you to practice "serial monogamy", and continue going from one serious relationship to another, than to try to "force" yourself to be able to enjoy casual sex. Obviously you like sex. It's much healthier & safer to enjoy it within the context of a relationship, where you at least have a good idea that neither of you is messing around on the other person. You could spend one year with one guy who's sleeping with only you; or you could spend one year with--- oh, I don't know what the average is. How many "hook-ups" do singles make? I suppose it could be anything from one a day to one every six months. But you'll be exposing yourself to a lot more men who have had their you-know-whats who-knows-where.

 

If you're serious about being single, do it 100%. No men, no dates, no sex. Buy a BOB. (Battery-Operated-Boyfriend. I know, it doesn't even come close to the real thing, but what can ya do?) Don't set a time limit on being single. Do it until you feel ready to date again.

 

These are some good reasons for staying single:

 

1. You've just gotten out of a painful relationship & you need some time to heal & put yourself back together.

 

2. You realize you need some time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life.

 

3. You've decided to move to Borneo to join the Peace Corps for the next 2 years & you know you can't handle any kind of relationship while you're there.

 

4. You've decided to join a religious order (or go on any kind of personal spiritual quest), & you've given a vow of chastity to God.

 

5. You've just realized you're an alcoholic (or whatever) & you need to get some treatment & focus on yourself for a year or two.

 

Bad reasons for staying single:

 

1. Because your friends are making fun of you/pushing you to do so.

 

2. To win a bet. (Is any amount of $/pride/loss of face worth missing out on love? If the man of your dreams walks up to you tomorrow & begs you to be his girlfriend, are you gonna say "NO"? Is any amount of $/pride/loss of face worth the risk of the STDs you might catch from having one-night stands? Or the heartache that comes with it? Or the fact that, at age 16, your reputation is going to go down the toilet?)

 

All I know is, in college I had a lot of one-night stands. They ALL sucked. I'm 34 now, and at different points in my adult life I've convinced myself that since I'm not getting any love, I might as well at least have sex, on the grounds that something is better than nothing. (Plus BOB gets boring!)

 

But nope. Nope, nope, nopedy-nope. I've had sex with guys I would never consider being romantically involved with, for whatever reasons. At best, I've felt cheap and horrible afterwards... at worst, I've developed "feelings" for them (triggered by the release of the hormone ocytocin, which gets released by us women whenever we have sex & promotes feelings of emotional bonding with the man) & pursued relationships with men who were completely inappropriate for me.

 

It's up to you, of course. But I think it's better to honor your true desires & follow your true nature, regardless of what your friends think.

 

At least you'll like yourself when you wake up in the morning, and in the end, your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you'll ever have, and the only one that truly matters. As long as you feel good about yourself, all else will fall into place.

 

I hope this helped a little. Good luck!