What's the deal with ex's/why go back?

[SoMuchLove]

I've never been in a serious realtionship before and haven't gone out on any dates or anything like that(my choice). At any rate, although I've never broken up with anyone(let alone been in a relationship) I was just wondering, why do people go back to their ex-'s?

 

I understand that feelings do play a part in it and realize that instead of trying to put their hearts out to someone new, some girls/guys would rather go back to the person that hurt them simply because it's convienient having someone they already have a history with (despite how wrong they were done in the relationship i.e cheating, emotional stress, "wrapped around the finger" etc.)This way, they don't have to start over and put so much in a relationship only to have their hearts broken again.

 

My personal opinion is that it all comes down to someone believing whether or not someone can change. I strongly believe that even though when someone is getting back together with their ex, they go through the honeymoon phase in which they both put on their best faces. In the end though, it may not take a week, a month, a day, or a year, but sooner or later that person will re-emerge because it's who they really are. And when people say "Let's start over and see if we can make it work again", I don't get it because that would just lead to someone not being who they really are while trying to do things differently to make the relationship work. Sorta like a small sacrafice on a piece of who you are for the sake of being with someone else...

 

But why be with someone again if it means behaving differently? Shouldn't you be in a relationship with all your cards on the table without having to reach into the deck and try another hand?

 

Lastly, I think most people fall victim to emotion which causes them to not make the best and most reasonable decisions. It clouds logic (not implying that people should live their lives solely on logic). Instead of not going back to the person because it just isn't right or fair to the person who was hurt in the first place, the person goes back because of "feelings", even though they aren't being treated with the full respect they deserve when/if they do go back to the person again...

 

I deeply look forward to everyone's opinions on this one-

[Msnak]

While you admit you haven't been in a serious relationship, you certainly give someone a lot to think about when considering a second chance with someone.

 

The issue of whether someone can change is absolutely the key to if a second try can work.

 

Great analogy about putting one's cards on the table. You're wise beyond your years!

[Down-In-A-Hole]

SoMuchLove,

 

You're absolutely correct: The logic goes out the window and the emotions take its place.

 

I think the majority of the peope here would agree with that, even the ones going through a hard breakup. But it's so hard to let go of those feelings when you're sitting alone on Christmas Eve and wanting nothing more to be held by your Ex, even if logic is telling you they aren't the right one for you. Like you said, there's a physical and emotional comfort already built in with the ex, so it's much easier to "fall back in" instead of starting over with someone new. That's why NC is such a great healing tactic, it allows the person to disconnect from that comfort zone.

 

Good observation. Hopefully a devastating breakup never happens to you, but if it does, you'll be prepared.

[passions1]

Love the insightful words of logic & being more objective! It can be a part of human nature to be afraid or worried of the unknown/unfamiliar so they would rather take a chance with their past. It's quite common to hear people bounce back/forth with their ex or past which isn't healthy at all, but then it's a matter of how much self-motivation do some of these people have to take risks for themselves& actually want to move on?

 

Also the idea of "love" is subjective for different cultures. I notice growing up in the US, that that many single American females on tv or in person will tell me they want to meet their "dream guy" or "night in shining armor" & describe him. While some other cultures might simply describe an ideal man would be someone who is simply "nice a with good head on the shoulder & financially stable". Some describe love as idealistic thus creating a fantasy world for themselves while others are more realistic & practical with their emotions. So some do actually learn to love a person more as time passes on. That's possibly why some arranged marriages actually do work out.

[SoMuchLove]

Hi Msnak!

Great analogy about putting one's cards on the table. You're wise beyond your years!

 

Thank for you comment BTW! It really means a lot to me at this point in my life and I'm sure it will for many years to come! I also couldn't agree with you more about:

 

The issue of whether someone can change is absolutely the key to if a second try can work.

 

 

Bulls-eye! My thoughts exaclty! SoMuch Respect-

 

Hi Down-In-A-Hole!

 

That's why NC is such a great healing tactic, it allows the person to disconnect from that comfort zone

 

I've heard of this concept and I'm sure it does work only if someone is strong enough to practice it. Even if the person is hurting, overall- it's a great method. Agreed! SoMuch Respect-

 

Good observation. Hopefully a devastating breakup never happens to you, but if it does, you'll be prepared.

 

Thanks for your reply and comforting me to know that if a devistating breakup comes my way, I've braced myself for it! SoMuch Respect-

 

Normally people hope to get back what once was because of the drug like effect that period has. It's basically like an addict wanting a fix. A person makes you feel amazing! Then (in some cases) things get worse. Finally they get to the breaking point, and you break up. But you remember the high from when you first met and you want to get it back

 

That is EXACTLY on point and I couldn't agree 110% more! Thanks for your reply! SoMuch Respect-

 

Hi passions1!

 

Everything you've said makes perfect sense and has even enlightened me on what the word "Love" means for only people, but different cultures of people as well.

 

Some describe love as idealistic thus creating a fantasy world for themselves while others are more realistic & practical with their emotions

 

Bulls-eye! Thanks for your reply! SoMuch Respect-

[Bams]

Well, personally I agree that if the relationship wasn't healthy to begin with then you should walk away and stay away remembering the reason why it ended in the first place. However, sometimes people are just going through a bad time in their life, but your relationship is good, just bad timing and so when they are able to gain control over their life then it may be worth giving the relationship another try, because it may not have been what was between the two of you that caused the break-up, but rather other factors in life.

[novaseeker]

Insightful post.

 

The main reason, I think, is that when you're undergoing separation anxiety, it truly is hard, and you tend to remember the good things about the ex, perhaps, more than the bad things. It's the desire to want to resurrect the good things in the relationship, either coupled with an optimism that the bad things can change, or with an idea that the bad things weren't so bad after all (which is usually self-deception).

[Erik]

Let me start off by saying that this was an excellent post, and even made me question my current situation.

 

Let me continue by scientifically explaining why people are heartbroken and depressed after a break-up, and why there is always the urge to get back with the person who hurt you. There are chemicals and receptors in our brain when we are in love and when we are happy. When a break-up (or anything as heartbreaking as a breakup) occurs, these chemicals suddenly vanish and the receptors shut off, which is why it's so hard to think about anything but the loss of your loved one. Trying to get back with your ex, despite the hurt they cause(d), is a result of the body and mind's desire to get back these chemicals. It's all about a chemical inbalance.

 

Now, let me explain it on an emotional level. It's all about a willingness to compromise. It's all about deciding for yourself what you're willing to do to keep the person around. It's not about being someone you're not, but instead it's about making changes to be someone you'd rather be, or to change a behavior which upset your lover.

 

That's my opinion on it, and I welcome yours.

[SoMuchLove]

Hi Bams,

 

I agree with you about bad timing and other factors playing in one's life. It can cause a realtionship to be unstable because of a poor foundation. And if the foundation is poor, in my opinion, trying to build on it isn't a good idea...

 

As I mentioned though, emotion can cloud logic. So if someone feels they want to be with someone, despite their current situation, they will over look that just to be with the one who makes them feel special or just simply makes them feel good.

 

BTW, that's if they are having a bad timing relationship wise. As far as job wise, or any other non-emotional circumstance, I'd have to say there'd be a reason to take someone back...but in my opinion, taking the person in the first place and putting them as an ex later isn't a good way to go about it because there is a chance they won't wait around for one another. Then someone else comes along a steals one of their hearts, breaking anothers. It slightly has the "put it on the back burner" effect...just indirectly...

 

In a way, how someone feels for someone can't be helped, but it can to the extent that both parties really look at their lives and decide if they are in fact able to maintain a relationship in their current situation. Logic is once again clouded...But, correct me if I'm wrong: Feelings cause people to be unwillingly and unknowingly selfish-

 

However, sometimes people are just going through a bad time in their life, but your relationship is good, just bad timing and so when they are able to gain control over their life then it may be worth giving the relationship another try, because it may not have been what was between the two of you that caused the break-up, but rather other factors in life.

 

I agree with you on this and you were very insightful! SoMuch Respect-

 

Hi Novaseeker,

 

It's the desire to want to resurrect the good things in the relationship, either coupled with an optimism that the bad things can change, or with an idea that the bad things weren't so bad after all (which is usually self-deception).

 

Just reading that let's me know more about how I think on this topic. You've helped me realize that those are my thoughts as well. Thanks for the insight! SoMuch Respect-

 

Hi Erik,

 

I agree with you about the chemical imbalance and it's a view I also share as well.

 

On the emotional level, I'd have to say I agree with you about the compromise, but chemical imbalance plays a role in that as well. After all, if the imbalance wasn't there, you wouldn't feel the need to compromise. People can "Fall in Love" with anyone. You can experience that chemical imbalance with anyone, but when that imbalance occurs (and this goes into having a history with the person etc.) they feel like they need that person when they actually don't. This is why when people say "he/she isn't right for you" they don't hear that...even if they realize that themselves...

 

To me, the chemical imbalance (a.k.a Love) is in fact like a drug. You get High. Instantaneoulsy, though, the imbalances are like drugs, some are good for you and some aren't.

 

In my personal opinon, just like cocaine and other possibly illegal substances, the imbalance can really alter someone's judgement to the point that they will feel like they can't live without it (in this case the actual person they are addicted to is the cocaine) instead of associating the high with some else (suicide, stalkers, etc.) As far as actual drugs go, they also lead to irrational behavior as well...

 

That was a great reply and offered me lots of insight on the chemical/emotional view that ex's have when break-ups occur.

 

I hope I may have enlightened you as well and if you or anyone else has a relpy to this- It's more than welcome. SoMuch Respect-

[lonely days]

I believe in some instances people can make significant changes for the betterment of themselves ie. if you drink or do drugs or were very depressed, if you made these types of changes you would not be acting differently than who you are, but you would become the person you already were. And in most cases you would make those changes for yourself and you would be much more appealing to your ex.

[Erik]

SoMuchLove-

 

Thanks for your comments. I have had this chemical imbalance theory only for a few months now, but it has enlightened me and it now makes so much sense. I agree that people can jump into the idea that a compromise can be reached and that this idea can foster the "addiction" to the lover, making people believe that their love has more hope than it truly does, and that people are more in love than they truly are. I have seen it before, that these receptors and chemicals have actually deceived a person into believing that they had stronger feelings for their ex- than they truly had, and then when they got back together he broke up with her again a week later (the "Honeymoon period" as I've heard it so aptly labeled on these boards), after realizing that his feelings weren't true. For these reasons, the metaphor of love being a drug could easily be reinforced, as he was hallucinating his own feelings due to the lack of these chemicals and receptors.

 

I believe you are correct about making compromises based on the chemicals, and that these chemicals can act as a drug. It's funny that you explain it as a drug and as a "high" because I have even said in the past that being in love is like being high, that nothing else matters but the state of mind you are in, and when you're without it, it's as if something is missing from your life. You need to get it back, you are driven to do anything you can to get it back. Understand however that the "drug addiction" aspect may not be the only factor in our willingness to compromise, but that the love we have for our ex-'s may be a main factor in this willingness to compromise.

 

It seems that we share a lot of the same views. I'm glad you replied so positively to my post. I was almost certain that I'd get a lot of hate for that post, but felt it necessary to vocalize my viewpoints on it. As always, these are just my opinions, and yours are welcome in retaliation or in reinforcement of my viewpoints.

[SoMuchLove]

Erik-

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Understand however that the "drug addiction" aspect may not be the only factor in our willingness to compromise, but that the love we have for our ex-'s may be a main factor in this willingness to compromise.

 

This is true. However, I believe that both the "drug addiction" and the willingness to compromise go hand in hand in some cases when someone is deciding to go back to their ex. Also, it can be that one outweighs the other.

 

In my personal opinion though, the "drug addiction" enforces the willingness to compromse and go back more over than compromise. (I base that on my belief that emotion clouds logic as I've said many times before and my lack of relationship experience lol).

 

Alternatively, some people don't go back because of the high. It could be simply the fact that the person makes them laugh more than anyone else, has what the are looking for physically (hair & eye color, muscle build, style etc.) personality wise, and simply just realize the ex is also the bestfriend they could ever have (lots in common). It's like the perfect package. To that point, the willingess to compromise can outweigh the "drug addiction". (Non-intentionally trying to say that the willing to compromise is just for physical reasons only...I believe that both the "drug addiction" and the willingness to compromise go hand in hand. Whether one of those aspects is overshadowed by the other, the aspect which is overshadowed still plays a role. Only smaller).

 

It seems that we share a lot of the same views. I'm glad you replied so positively to my post

 

I agree. We do seem to share similar views and I enjoy that you took what I was saying insightfully and responded with an open mind. If you or anyone else has any other viewpoints on this matter, please feel free to bring them up or just simply share your opinion on what has been dicussed so far.

[Erik]

To some extent, you're correct. I think that when you let yourself become controlled by your emotions, you lose your sense of logic. If you let the "drug" have too powerful an effect on you, you are allowing yourself to release all logic and concentrate all of your thoughts and desires on your emotions, letting your emotions drive your decisions. You are correct, however. In most cases, emotions completely take over and override logic. In the cases where emotions have taken control of the situation, then they begin to overpower a sense of logic and remove that from the equation.

 

As far as you saying that the willingness to compromise can stem from the affection of one person towards another, you are absolutely correct. The willingness to compromise can stem from the love that one shares for their significant other. It's hard to believe that people can actually feel this strongly to be willing to compromise for anyone, but it it how relationships are rekindled and brought back to life. Although there aren't as many success stories in this field as there are chances and options of failure, the possibilities still exist. As always, these are just my opinions, and yours are welcome in retaliation or in reinforcement of my viewpoints.

[SoMuchLove]

At this point I think we've all narrowed down a discussed all of the aspects of this topic. Of course though, if any other "Take me back" or "I want to go back" scenarios that weren't mentioned, feel free to bring them up. All in all I'd have to say this was a good post as well and I hope it helps anyone who may be experiencing a few of the things we've all mentioned throughout this post.

 

As for now, I'm thinking about creating a thred that lists three factors:

 

1. Logic

2. Emotion

3. Confusion(the mixture of the two)

 

This way, it could be specific to the extent that it lists everything and places it in a catergory. Kind of like guide to avoid #3, but not dimissing it totally. A little of both should be okay.

 

Just an idea though...

 

Hope we helped shed some light on the subject-

[EnolWolf]

Yep, you're absolutely right! The things people will do or even say gets pretty ridiculous when it comes to "love." "Love" also tends to be an excuse for the craziest things like staying in an abusive relationship, doing things you don't really want to do, and even pretending to be someone you're not. It's the best judgement clouder known to mankind. I've been there and back a few times, and it's truly like a rollercoaster.