am i paranoid?

[bourne]

i dunno if this is the right section or not... but im so confused atm... i know my gf and i have been in a long term r/ship for quite a long time now and ive been made aware that shes started talkin to somebody who she liked a LOT a couple of years ago... i dont know why i feel jelous about this, i suppose its coz i know this guy likes my gf, and im suppose im jsut scared of loosing her can somebody re-assure me tht its prob nothing... tht im jsut slightly paranoid.

[hk87]

All you can do is talk to her. Explain how your feeling, and she should be understanding and supportive.

 

Hk87

[PocoDiablo]

Whether or not it's a problem, jealousy stems from being insecure - thinking that you are going to lose her. Would you say that's about right?

 

Personally, I have always felt that when a woman does something like this it means she is disrespecting you and may even be losing sight of the purpose of your relationship - to be good to you. If he is thinking about this other guy at all, then your jealousy will only make it worse. Well, at least in my opinion. I think it makes it worse because if you act on your jealousy it reveals two things to her - that you lack self-confidence and that you lack self-control. I find that it is very important to reign yourself in, so to speak, and realize that you are feeling this way not because of you, but because of her and how she is acting.

 

The reality of the situation is, in my opinion, that if she cared about you a great deal she would not talk to another guy who she had feelings for in the past. Especially if you know about it! When she does this, she is non-verbally saying to you "I don't care about your feelings enough to respect you and our relationship." This is the opportunity for you to step up and tell her how you feel in a very polite and calm way. This will re-address the situation and let her know your standards. I would probably say something like this:

 

"I know that you have been talking to [name] and that you've had feelings for him in the past, and that's fine. However, you need to understand that when you, as a woman in a relationship, go and talk to other single men it makes me look like a fool. That is disrespectful to me, and I won't tolerate being treated like that. Of course, I will not restrict who you see but at the same time I will not stick around to be walked all over. So please think about what you are doing and the message it sends to me and other people."

 

The issue here that you want to get accross is that if she continues to get with other men you are going to leave. Even if it means not talking to her for a week, this gives her a chance to think about what she is really doing to you, and so long as you are mature, calm, and respectful about things she'll understand. If you lose it, and break down in anger or sadness, she's going to see you lost self-control and then this other guy will look more attractive.

 

Remember, you have to be the BETTER man.

 

Now if she does go and keep talking to this guy, and it makes you uneasy, then tell her that you're gone. Then stop talking to her and see what happens. Does she come back and apologize? Then she made a mistake, and you can work it through. Does she stop talking as well? Then she had already made a decision to break up with you, and her decision to talk to this guy was a hint that she wanted out of the relationship. Either way, it puts you on higher ground. I know you don't want to lose her, but at the same time you don't want to grovel when a woman starts cheating - that's not a woman to stick around for.

[bourne]

thanks, and yeh, i do feel insercure about myself a lot ...thts why she makes me feel so great,the reason i dont wanna lose her. but after some investigating of my own i jsut found out tht this guys got a gf which is brilliant as he wont try nethin (as far as im aware)... and its coincidencial tht her name happens to be the same as my gf's // ty for the advice tho ,all i nd to do now i make myself more confident in general....

alltho, her talkting to him still makes me feel a bit down, dunno why, i think its coz i dont feel great about myself so dont see a reason why she should stay with me... ah well, seems allrite for now, i shall still talk to her tho

[PocoDiablo]

Sounds like you are a good guy - what other reason does she need to stay with you? Really?