do they realise?

[whatfor]

hello everyone.

 

I am curious about one thing. People that emotionally abuse you, do they ever understand or realise that they are wrong/rude? Or do they always only see everything as your fault?

Is it possible to change a person by talking and discussing, letting them know its wrong or anything like that?

Thanks

[sweetheart230]

Well it really depends on the person. With my ex, who was extremely emotionally abusive (he was my first relationship, so I really learned some tough lessons), he would blame how he treated me (the things he said and did) on me. In retrospect, I think he did this because it was easier to do that than to acknowledge that he had problems and that things going badly was his fault. It was much easier to blame me, although I think in the back of his mind he knew a lot of it was his fault. Also, he said a lot of things to me to control me. If there was something that I was upset about (he cancelled on me, or was ignoring me) he told me that it was because something was wrong with me...and silly me, I would try to change whatever it is that was "wrong", and he still acted the same way.

 

Some people just really think other people are always to blame. Others use emotional abuse to control you. My ex was a little bit of both. Maybe the person you are talking about doesn't realize what they are doing. Feeling them out is a good thing, although I probably wouldn't blatantly accuse them of emotional abuse. You might let them know that the things they say are hurtful, and see what their reaction is.

[mysterious one]

talking to the person and seeing change is really dependant on the person. i've talked to a few people who have been really big jerksand they changed but one guy wasn't likw that at all. i've talked to him for 2 years and told him he was being really mean to me and other people but he continued to blame everythgin on me if not more than ever after i talked to him about it. he just said youre just saying that cuz ur jelous of me and my power ( he's a very power hungry person) and anyways he has reciently seen that he has been being really mean and abusing our friendship since his 2 most recient crushes had said that he was being a jerk.

 

it is possible for people to change but the change will only happen if they want it to.

i know people who yell all teh time and always thinkg that their right and they never admit to being wrong even if they are. those people rarely change if they've been that way too long best bet is to say somerhign before it's too late.

[Gracelove]

Talking won't change things. Protect yourself, leave, and pray that they will find help to change themselves.

I was in an emotionally, and verbally abusive relationship. We did a lot of discussing, and you would think that there would be resolve, some sort of change. Nope, nothing changed. He would cry, apologize, and do whatever he felt like doing anyways.

Save yourself while you have the chance, because there is such a thing as "too late". If I didn't get out when I did I would be dead.

[venus777]

funny, not that long ago that i was perusing this website hunting down an answer to the same question, never found it, realized that my desire to seek some resolution to the matter was never going to be quenched.

you see, i kept talking to my abusive (VERY emotionally abusive) ex in hopes of him apologizing, owning up to his action, basically becoming a different person!! I was not going to get this, he was still the same abusive man. He kept calling me asking me how was I but never ever would really apologize, really own up to the depth of his abuse, and I came here and asked people will he ever be sorry. The response I got was not to focus on that, he may, he may not, but that wasn't my problem anymore.

As soon as I let go my attachment to closure to the situation, happiness was just around the corner!! Believe me, I do still have problems because of it, expecting and almost wanting abuse from other people as some sort of sign of love, it's weird. So, I'm trying to work through that, it's hard. So girl, it might take a while, but forget about him; your involvement will not expedite his enlightenment to his errs, only time will, if that. Some people have serious personality disorders that may prevent change from ever happening without serious intervention and desire on their part. But before you get burned some more girl, feel more pain, care for YOURSELF, love YOURSELF and learn what it is you have to do to prevent the same thing from happening to you again, mainly build up that self-esteem again!

[smallworld]

I think abusers do realize that they are wrong at times, but usually see themselves as "victims" and thereforeeee feel justified in "wronging" or hurting others. They have the mentality that everyone else is out to use them (and others), so what they're doing is taking the offense and protecting their own self-interests. As you can see, as long as they believe that, they have no incentive to change. They see this as a dog-eat-dog world.

 

It's possible for an abuser to change through talking and loving concern from a loved one, but not likely UNLESS the abuser really wants to change and makes a sincere effort to do so (therapy, anger management, etc.)