No contact is great. But what if you have kids?

[onmyownagain]

Hi,

 

I see on here all the time the benefit of no contact, but what if you have children? I don't contact my ex-wife at all if I can avoid it but I have to pick up my daughter on Fridays so have contact at least once a week.

 

Can't see this changing until my daughter leaves home one day.

 

So my question is, how do married couples with children move on?

 

Even though I have started seeing someone at the moment, I still can't fully let go because you just know that text will arrive just as you are having a nice drink in the pub.

[avman]

Well as you've mentioned, no contact isn't practical when you have to co-parent your child. However, you can limit contact to parenting issues only. It is vital to keep communication lines open when it comes to raising your child, but you can simply leave it at that. No discussion of personal lives, rehashing the past, etc.

 

It will take time, but you will heal.

[Bethany]

If your ex is texting you when your with another woman, tell her not to and instead give her a time to call you when you can discuss any kids problems alone and then stick to it, unless its an emergency of course.

If she can't or wont... she is trying to control you despite being apart and thats a no-no and you wont ever be able to move on.

[SLMitchell918]

I have never been 100% in your shoes, but having kids pretty much makes NC impossible. However don't have any relationship with her other than with your kids. As hard as it is to do, you can move on. Don't let her control you. What is over is over. Of course there is always going to be some feeling there just because once you've been with someone and you have had a life together, seeing them is just hard. Don't let that stop you from moving on.

[RooferGirl23]

You dont have to like your ex at all.. but for the sake of the children get along at leat while you are around the kids. it will be best in the long run. avoid letting your children know how much you may dislike the ex... no matter what has happened.

when you pick up the kids, make it very short and sweet. if she comes to get them, have them all ready before she arrives. that way they can jsut walk out to her car.

its almost impossible to have complete NC when you have children.

[ratherbesailing]

I've been divorced for 7 years and I just spoke to my ex on the phone about an issue with my son and it is just plain hard to let go because even the simplest of issues can cause friction with her. No chance being friends with my ex. In my case, it is hard to let go of resentment, in someone elses case it could be hard to let go of attachment. Either way it involves letting go and not getting stuck.

 

I try to keep all contact through e-mail so that I can control when I have to deal with her, but even that is a catch 22, since the written word can be misunderstood and lead to even more communication.

 

I'm in the same boat with you onmyownagain, I would like nothing better than to have complete NC, but even the simplest of issues with the kids can create plenty of contact. Parenting was definitely designed to be done by two parents living together.

 

All I can suggest is having her keep the calls and texts for urgent issues and try the e-mail route so you can control the timing of most contact and by all means keep the swaps as quick as possible. I hope others that have actually lived through this add their suggestions.

 

My kids are both over 18 now and have their own cars but we still have too much contact, the topic has just changed to grades and college. We still have that issue that makes me hate contact the most, dividing up holiday time.

 

I guess we just do the best we can and realize we aren't alone.

[ZoeMatthews]

Hi,

 

Even though I have started seeing someone at the moment, I still can't fully let go because you just know that text will arrive just as you are having a nice drink in the pub.

 

I am going to speak from the point of the "someone else" you are seeing:

 

My ex boyfriend's ex wife is very controlling. She has custody of her grandkid (my ex's step grandchild). My ex and his ex never had children together.

 

She uses this kid to manipulate my ex into giving her money and buying her things.

 

don't let your ex do that to you.

 

My ex boyfriend's ex wife is one of the reasons why he and I broke up. It hurst me that eventhough they are not together, that he chose to be manipulated by her than to be with me..

 

Take care of your special someone and don't let the ex meddle in your relationship!

 

ZM

[onmyownagain]

Hi,

 

In the first few weeks we actually had a lot of contact. She would often text and call me for a chat, sometimes for an hour or so. I know the reason she was doing this is because she is lonely etc. We never spoke about us as such, but it was nice to talk, but we were not going to move on doing that. Which is why I asked her not to contact me unless she had to.

[novaseeker]

It's best for the initial period to limit the discussion and contact to issues around the kid. How long that initial period lasts is really up to your own situation and how tense or not things are with your ex and how well you can get along as ex-marrieds and co-parents. I do think that eventually the goal, if possible, is to have a normal, friendly relationship with your daughter's mom, and hopefully even be friends.

 

In my own situation, I didn't get comfortable having "normal" conversations with my ex for probably 3-5 months or so. We've now been apart for just over 2 years and we talk pretty much regularly about a wide variety of things without getting angry with each other, or feeling like we aren't over each other. We each realized that we still loved and cared for each other, but not as husband/wife, and we kind of gave ourselves permission that way to still be friends without feeling odd about it. But that was only possible after the initial "getting over it" period.