partial breakup or partial relationship, help!!!!

[heatherrichards]

my boyfriend and i have been having quite a few problems in the last month or so that have led to many fights and days spent apart with little or no contact. i certainly take responsibility for aiding in the demise of our relationship. i constantly questioned and pushed him which resulted in him not believing i trusted what we had. he has told me several times how hard it is to be with someone that you constantly have to reassure. in a moment of panic and fear i broke up with him only to ask for him back days later (without going into much detail i am in the middle of a very intense and personal health crisis). he said yes, but of course it has not been the same. i wholly understand how hard it may be for someone to recover from a breakup. the push and pull of emotions must be devastating. i just dont know how to act accordingly to help put this relationship back on track and today i received the following e-mail from him. is he over it or just feeling hopeless and resigned? is there any advice you can offer to help me help this situation? i do know that he still loves me but i also know how hard it is to stay with someone when you feel it might not get better. i really dont want to lose him, what can i do?

 

 

the e-mail:

 

hi,

 

i dont know about dinner tonight or anything really. im glad you feel optimistic about stuff because i don't. i wish i could but i simply have lost that reserve, that wealth of hope, that spring of whatever it is that rejuvenates and tells my mind: yes it is bad, yes it was bad, but it will be better. my heart wont listen and its hard.

 

i also wish i could have been the one to instill in you some of this optimism and strength, lord knows i was trying to rub some of mine off on you for a long time. strange to think that in the end my optimism never wore off on you and in fact it went dry inside me as a result, and now you are coming around just as i am dipping so much lower than ever.

 

what a goddamn sad circle that seems to be.

 

i know you are sorry and i know you are hurting and i know you are in need and all of that precludes any feelings or actions on my part. its just such an impossible victory for us when one is so down and the other is always shoveling to help.

 

if i am not losing my mind still i will call you later. i just dont see pushing anything at all anywhere lately or in the exceptionally near future. im at a loss here baby.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I have been in the same circumstance with my partner - I have always had a very low self esteem and he has been my rock. But rocks have cracks and faultlines too...

 

The best thing you can do is explain to him why you need reassurance. Are you frightened he will cheat on you? Scared that he will leave you? Once he knows what's behind it, he will be a lot more supportive.

 

It is difficult for people who haven't lived in our shoes to understand how and why we react the way we do. But we always do it for a reason.

 

He wants to make it work but is finding that having to reassure you all the time that he isn't going to run away is just driving him crazy.

[CATLOVER]

Be careful, he is definitely on the verge of chucking it in.........BUT..... from what the emails says I think it can be turned around if you be careful for a bit. Honestly it sounds like you love each other and thats hard to find so treasure it. I would just back up a bit, give him some breathing room and let him recuperate....tell him its all ok and let him rest. In the meantime you need to work out how you are going to deal with your moods or insecurities or whatever it is that is draining him. Its not his job to use his energy to try and pep you up......it up to you to make yourself happy. I have a feeling if there are a few changes this could turn out all ok

[heatherrichards]

thank you for all of your kind advice, its hopeful to hear that you think he has not completely given up. i do agree though he is definitely on the edge and could probably go either way. his e-mail just sounds so hopeless as if he has given up, do you really think it is possible to bring someone back from that place? and as far as backing off a bit, should i just wait for him to contact me and so i dont put pressure on him or should i still remind him that i am here and waiting?