This girl is saying i raped her

[15yrsandnervous]

Last night i went to the birthday party of two of my good mates... they share a birthday.. anyway it was pretty big and i probably knew about half the people there even though i practicly live at his place on weekends... anyway everyone was drinking and stuff as you do at a 17th and i was off my face.. anyway i met this really hot girl, sober by the way.. anyway we started making out and stuff.. then she got out some vodka and juice mix thing that we shared.. so we just kept doing stuff and in the end we locked ourselfs in a room and i fingured and went down on her and she went down on me... anyway we got busted by my mates mum.. she didnt see us but she basically knew what was happening. Anyway... im 16 by the way and she told me she was 16 but i found out later she was actually 15 nearly 16... ok well later that night i guess she started to regret what happened as i did... and she ended up telling everyone that i had rapped her... so now everyone thinks im a rapist.. im still a virgin you cant rape someone if you dont have sex.. well anyways.. basically i knew a hell of a lot more people there aswell as all the adults who fully backed me up.. they knew i wouldnt do that... infact i got quite a bit of simpathy... but now i have this girl going round spinning lies about me and i have no idea what to do... oh one note... at the time everything was totaly concensual every 5 seconds i was saying "is this still alright" and i could tell she was sober as.. and when she tell me to keep doing it, it kind of gets confusing when she says it was rape.

[SkyFire]

This girl's got some major emotional retardedness.

 

Stay away from her. Have nothing to do with her. At all.

 

As for the rumors... just ignore them.

[Amannamederic]

you just have to ignore it, its tough, i bet your hurting pretty badly right now, but if a majority of people are saying you didn't do it then i wouldn't worry about it...there will always be some girls who really think you did but whatever, you don't need them anyway you are perfectly fine with those that trust in and believe you.

 

A friend of mine had this happen to him oddly enough, the girl was horny, flirting with him all night and he eventually gave in and hooked up with her (no sex) the next day she regretted it because people think he's gross (this was like in 9th grade) and he just laughed it off. Most mature way of handling a situation that intense i've ever seen, it also helped that me and all of my friends (including some of hers) backed him up completely, now nobody even remembers that but man was it scary when he came up to me and my friend jason saying, "Guys so and so is telling people i RAPED her man what do i do?!" god my stomach must have fallen through the floor...

 

Good luck, don't let it get you down, i hate girls like that.

[15yrsandnervous]

OMG im sooo releived... i just got a text from my mate who was having the party. He said the girl stayed there overnight and in the morning she admitted it was all BS as to why would say that I have no idea... still cant be great for my rep, but its very good shes owned up.

[Amannamederic]

nah your rep will take a hit but who cares? like i said, it might not seem like it to you but the people that don't like you because of this aren't worth your time at all.

[HajiMaji]

phew! Im glad to hear it worked out like that. Thats scarey stuff.

[UT]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. One of the worst things that could happen to one is being blamed for something you haven't done. I'm glad she owned up. I know how it feels to be falsely accused.

[armchairshrink]

Well, I'm glad she finally confessed; you could have been in deep kimchee if she hadn't.

 

As to why she would claim that in the first place, who knows??? She must be pretty ignorant (or have been drunk); because the only thing worse than anyone thinking you had sex at that age is having anyone think you got raped (as odd as this sounds, it's true). More knowledgeable and experienced girls know this.

 

I can tell you that girls that age are often unsure of what they want; their bodies are clamoring for one thing, and their parents are clamoring for another. Often, young girls get attacks of remorse and self-doubt after any kind of sexual activity, no matter how small. Some think they've "gone too far", and feel guilty. They think that it's supposed to feel good and make you happy; so if you feel rotten, there was something wrong. So it must be rape (I don't know how they make this incredible leap). And they don't know that if you say 'yes' during the act and 'no' after the fact, that's not rape -- it's just bad judgement on their part.

 

Still, I saw some misconceptions in your original post and I thought you should know ...

... and i fingured and went down on her and she went down on me... .. im still a virgin you cant rape someone if you dont have sex..

 

Yes, you can rape someone if you don't have sex. People have used all sorts of things to rape women -- fingers, baseball bats, knives -- the list goes on and only gets more gross, so I'll stop there. But, if your finger went in, and if she had been saying 'no' instead of 'yes', that would have been rape. Legally, I think it's called 'digital rape'. I don't know why they make that distinction, but there it is.

 

If she is drunk or otherwise mentally impaired, it's rape -- even if she says yes. Now I have to clarify: that's the law where I live. I'm guessing you don't live in the U.S. because of some of your phrasing, so you may want to check on the law where you are. You mentioned that "she got out some vodka and juice mix thing that we shared", so she had been drinking. At that point, she could technically claim it was rape, or at least sexual assault -- although I doubt any court would uphold that claim under those circumstances.

 

The lesson here for you -- and any other young man who is reading this -- is choose your partner carefully! Make certain that she is completely sober and completely amenable to what you are doing. Stop the second she says stop. If there is any question about any of the above, walk away and don't look back. "Better safe than sorry" became a cliche for a reason.

[RandomAdvisor]

The lesson here for you -- and any other young man who is reading this -- is choose your partner carefully! Make certain that she is completely sober and completely amenable to what you are doing. Stop the second she says stop. If there is any question about any of the above, walk away and don't look back. "Better safe than sorry" became a cliche for a reason.

 

Seconded!

 

Also, after you choose your partner carefully, you might want to wait a while before you start putting your tongues on each other's private parts. The time frame should generally be more than the few minutes you two were talking on the couch. At least a few days. The more, the merrier. That's just my two cents though.

[TweaK]

I do believe a pimp slap is in order.

[SummerLove]

About 2 years ago an ex friend of mine was going around telling people that her ex had raped her about 2 months after it all happened. I knew it wasn't true because that night it happened she was all happy go lucky afterwards. I stood up for the guy, even though she was my best friend at the time, and told her that what she was saying was total BS and that she was just trying to find a way for people to feel sorry for her (she has some kinda issue with her self image). I later found out that everyone else felt the same way about the situation and I was the only one that actually gave voice to that which everyone was thinking. So don't worry about it, everyone knows she was just saying a bunch of bull. Your rep shouldn't be hit that hard if everyone's on your side.

[armchairshrink]

you might want to wait a while before you start putting your tongues on each other's private parts. The time frame should generally be more than the few minutes you two were talking on the couch.

 

Yah! Moral issues completely aside, an STD on your face is generally considered a turn-off. Not good for future dating life in the same way that an atomic bomb explosion could ruin your whole day.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yay, STD time!

 

Anytime someone brings up STD's, I mention this statistic.

 

One in four Americans has herpes. Of those who have it, half don't know they do. There is no cure for herpes. Condoms are not full protection against herpes. So for everyone four different people you sleep with, you've statistically been exposed to herpes.

[15yrsandnervous]

I dont understand how a girl being drunk can shift blame from her having sex onto the guy... in my books that is rediculous... i was far far drunker than she was i was already canned while we were doing stuff she just got a little drunk afterwards. I weigh 75 kg and i had drank like 15 standard drinks + im on antibiotics... i know that was a really bad decision... basically my worry as to her spinning BS about me has turned to remorse about what happened... i regret it alot. As for an STD... i guess all i can really do is hope...

[combat_barbie]

That makes me sick that some girls would make this stuff up. Rape is the number one most unreported crime and the oen which results in the least charges since its hard to prove so most women dont think people will believe them so they never tell anyone. Now when women lie about it thats what causes the whole problem. Just steer clear of her in the future. She isn't worth the energy to get angry about.

[RandomAdvisor]

I dont understand how a girl being drunk can shift blame from her having sex onto the guy... in my books that is rediculous...

 

In the law books, it's illegal. Your case may have been an exception, but more often than not when someone is being intoxicated and taken advantage of, it's a man taking advantage of a woman. And the law reflects that.

[15yrsandnervous]

"when someone is being intoxicated and taken advantage of" I was not giving her alcohol.. she had brought her own and by the time she arived i was already drunk.. if anything she was getting me drunk cause she was giving me alcohol. Anyway im getting texted by someone who says she is this girls friend... and she is telling me her mate got raped at a party... and she was asking what my last name was and stuff.. this freaks me out because it makes me think that she is still saying she got raped.. this girl is nuts and it makes me soo scared im gunnah get in trouble over something i didnt do. and angry because this girl knows im inocent.

[RandomAdvisor]

I understand that. Like I said, your case was an exception. Legally, it might not be as bad if you didn't give her the alcohol, but if she was intoxicated and her ability to make decisions was impaired, and she claims you took advantage of her.... That's a really, really hard one for a guy to get out of in court. It's very similar to physical abuse. Nine times out of ten if someone is hitting someone else in a relationship, it's a guy hitting the girl. But there ARE cases of women abusing their boyfriends. But if the guy calls the cops and tells them his GF hit him, all she has to do is claim that he hit her. Guess who the cops bring to jail? The guy.

 

It's the same thing with this. How often do you hear about women raping men when the men are intoxicated? Rarely.

 

You got lucky this time. It's a good thing the girl came clean. Be more careful in the future.

[15yrsandnervous]

well she did come clean.. but it seems shes changed her mind.. unless this person texting me is talking about some other case of a girl claiming she was raped... and i doubt it, so i really didnt get lucky this time.. i dont know what to do and this is scaring the hell out of me cause shes obviously trying to find out who i am.

 

And one other thing that doesnt make me feel to great.. aparently she got with three of my mates after i left the party... slapper... i think so... but does that really sound like the actions of someone who had been raped... i dont think so... how could she claim that.

[RandomAdvisor]

She got together with three other guys that same night? Doing the same stuff you did with her, just making out, or did they go all the way?

 

Regardless, you're right. That doesn't sound like the actions of someone who was just raped. This has potential to get very ugly, no doubt about that. But in the end I don't really think they could convict you if it ever came to that.

[15yrsandnervous]

um she made out with them.. one of them fingured her for a couple of seconds... kind of disgusting concidering there my friends and concidering where her mouth had been.... well.. yea well they have absolubtly no evidence for one thing... whats the deal with cases where a girl claims to be raped but nothing can be proved ?

[RandomAdvisor]

It all depends on specifics...

[armchairshrink]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, 15yrsandnervous -- had things to do today.

 

Your posts are getting kind of alarming, but my advice to you is: don't panic. In my opinion, she's either got "party girl's remorse", or she's just doing it for the attention.

 

Have you spoken to her about it, to find out why she's doing this and whether or not she believes what she's saying?

 

Is she (or anyone else) aware that she could be guilty of defamation of character for spreading these rumors? Note: I am not a lawyer! But I can read, and so can you. Follow these links:

link removed -- has some reference to defamation laws in countries other than the U.S.

link removed -- just U.S. laws, but pretty informative

 

Of particular interest here are the references to people who "issue statements they know to be false" or "with reckless disregard" to the truth of the statement. Sounds like what's happening to you.

 

By the way, I don't know the exact phrasing of the other law we've been discussing; but the spirit of it is not that it's illegal to have sex with a drunk woman; merely that it's unwise, because there could be consequences.

 

The whole point of the law in question is to prevent a man from taking advantage of (or actually causing) a woman's inebriated state in order to commit a crime on her -- which is ridiculously easy when she's drunk, can't remember anything, and can't defend herself.

Remember:

You didn't give her the alcohol;
You did not cause any damage;
There was no struggle;
You didn't commit a crime;
She was with 3 other guys after you, which is NOT typical behavior for a rape victim;
She said she was making it all up the next morning

 

Your story is solid; hers is full of holes.

 

Also, I doubt that she will actually press charges (since I think that she's only doing it for the attention). And even if she does, try to remember that charges are not a conviction. People are still innocent until proven guilty in this country, and the burden of proof is on the accuser (with one exception). A woman has to go through some pretty thorough physical examinations to find evidence of damage from rape. I've never been through this type of exam, but I've heard that they're very uncomfortable. And the doctors or forensic scientists or whoever do these exams can tell the difference between consensual sex and rape.

 

And if she's bathed since the party, it will be even harder to find any evidence that you touched her at all.

 

Then, if it even gets this far, she has to go through "payback hell" at the trial, with your lawyers taking potshots at her and her story.

 

Oh, and the one exception to the burden of proof I mentioned earlier? It's in the defamation of character laws. So she would have the burden of proof in her rape charge against you, and in your defamation charge against her.

 

You may want to see to it that she gets word of all the stuff I've just told you. Once she realizes that there are real, live consequences to her little story-telling, she may stop.

[15yrsandnervous]

ok you guys have been soooooooooooo helpful... you have made me feel alot better... basically heres the story... NZ law is pretty much the same as US law... and i got a text from her... i dunno how all these people are getting my number... anyway she told me that shes not the one spinning all that BS and that what we did was just a bit of fun... hmm maybe fun for her... jesus she kinda messed round with all my mates... she basically said that she was sorry and that someone is just being slanderous about her aswel..

 

I know that im untouchable by any legal problem... and now that shes said shes not accusing me of anything i feel alot better... at least i know shes not the one saying it... it does raise some questions as to who would say something like that but i guess all i can do is talk to her... i now have her cell and home number which was loaded with it... do you think i should give her a call and sus this out ?

[armchairshrink]

... and now that shes said shes not accusing me of anything i feel alot better... at least i know shes not the one saying it... it does raise some questions as to who would say something like that but i guess all i can do is talk to her... i now have her cell and home number which was loaded with it... do you think i should give her a call and sus this out ?

 

Now that we know she's not accusing you of anything, we all feel better! Whew!

 

You might want to call her and find out how all these people are getting your number. Maybe your mates are giving it out -- if a girl asks them for it, they may think she's interested in you.

 

No matter how they're getting your number, someone is spreading some pretty vicious gossip about the two of you. If you'd like some advice, I propose this:

 

You and the girl you made out with at the party should act like friends. Not bf/gf, just friends. Aside from the fact that this is a good way to be with someone you've done intimate things with, it will also show everyone that nothing as horrible as rape could have happened between you. Be seen laughing and joking together; chat together at parties; do not fail to at least say hi to each other if you pass in the hallways (I'm assuming you go to the same school). Don't go out of your way to seek each other out; just acknowledge each other if you see each other.

 

In this way, everybody who has heard the rumor will see you two being friendly, and they'll think that whoever told them about rape is an idiot -- or a drama queen. Either way, it lets the air out of the rumor without either of you saying a word or even acknowledging it exists.

 

You may even want to discuss this with your '30-minute girlfriend', so she knows what's going on and acts accordingly. It should be your little secret -- don't tell anyone, not even your or her friends, just in case it's one of them (sorry, but it wouldn't be the first time a jealous friend said something that got away from them).

 

Although the source is most likely someone who was at the party, but left before they heard her confession. Add to that the fact that rumors grow in the telling, and by next week you will either be an axe-murderer or the long-lost heir to the throne!

 

Good luck, and keep us posted!