My boyfriends ex sent his mother a birthday card

[thoughts]

Okay. This poor girl. I've been with my boyfriend since March 1st, living together since June 1st. My boyfriend never really broke up with his ex, he just stopped talking to her. (Because she is psychotic) She knows we live together, but can't seem put one and one together and find - my boyfriend has moved on. She's called my boyfriend numerous times and he usually doesn't answer. He doesn't want to be too cold because her mom was diagnosed with cancer and to tell her to get out of his life would just be cold. They were together for 2 1/2 years, while I was with his brother. (that's a long story) Needless to say, his mother's birthday was a few days ago - I didn't get her a card because she hates me and I asked my mother what I should do (mind you, I'm 30) and she advised it is her birthday, do not get her a card. So, I didn't. Last night my boyfriend was talking to his parents and his father told him that his ex sent a lengthy birthday card to his mother. Then he said, "Kind of akward, huh?" and left it at that. I discussed with my boyfriend the importance of finally just telling her the truth and he said he doesn't want to talk to her. It's none of her business and he loves me and that's it. I try and explain it isn't about that and I am not questioning his love, rather, I feel I would want to stop making a fool of myself and would want someone to tell me. This is how he treated her when they were together. In fact, when we got together, for the first month or two, she thought they just weren't talking and had no idea they broke up. She called him in July and wanted to make plans with him and he said no. I asked him if I can call her, just to let her know (as much as I do not want to) and he asked me not to. Actually, he gave me one of those looks. It isn't my place, but this girl's mother has cancer, she has more important things to worry about and if she needs someone to lean on, she should be trying to find that someone and not wasting her time. Would love some thoughts on the matter...

[confusedgrl23]

I think out of respect for his ex, he should tell her what is going on. People need closure no matter how "psychotic" they were.

 

I had a bf long time ago, that did the saem thing to me. We went out for almost two yrs and one day he just stopped calling me. It hurt more then him actually telling me the truth. Its unfair, and noone deserves that.

[dreamy333]

sounds to me like if your boyfriend isnt listening to your feeling on this he is more worried about hurting her feeling than yours proablly bc he is a wuss and dont want to be mean. you cant get mad at him bc she sent hismom a card. he didnt have anything to do with that. but if this girl causing problems with you guys then he needs to fix it whatever he can do within his power. why do his parents hate you? that is not good bc you are stuck with them! its not your place to call her though its his and if he dont try to fix this then he isnt doinhis job..... oh yeah and that was wrong of him not to tell her what is goin on about him leaving that shows right there he will not be the bad guy even when he needs to be no wonder the girl is mad.... he is a wuss

[thoughts]

well, i should write that his mother does not like me. his father does. they are the typical Italian family. father lies to the wife, two sons lie to the wife. it's not the greatest of family relationships. i dated and lived with his brother for about 2 1/2 years. his mother felt as if i stole him away from her. on top of which, i was always the one to inform her of what was going on before her son did. i.e. while with his brother i got him this great salary job in virginia. he would stay with my cousin. we were at dinner at his family's house two days before he was to move. at dinner, it got silent, so i asked his mother, "so, how do you feel about J moving to virginia?" all the forks hit the plates. no one had told her yet. his father knew, his brother knew. he had accepted the job and had been planning on moving for over a month. that's not my fault. his brother, who i am with now, understands that. i try and explain that at some point, he is going to have to sit down with his mother and try and forge an honest relationship. he had discussed me with his mother. recently, we went to his cousin's engagement party. he was speaking with his mother and told her we would be there in about an hour. she said, "what?" and he said, "i will be there in an hour" and they hung up. i told him, "no, no no - you call your mother back and make sure she knows i am coming - do not blind side her." he did, she gave him aggrevation telling him she did not want me there (although, the cousin and fiance likes me), and he told her, "i'm not asking for your opinion and i letting you know out of courtesy." needless to say, when we got there, she had consumed about a bottle of wine. i didn't even say hello to her - as, she has made it clear as to how she feels - not necessarily as to why. his father gave me the impression she is not keen on the fact that i dated one of her sons and now the other. they are identical twins, btw. when i was with the first, i hated the one i am with now. but, we always kept it real. he wasn't the best boyfriend to his ex - and i knew that because he was always hanging out with me and his brother. i knew he had cheated on her and would lie to her. he and i have spoken about this recently and he feels like a real schmuck for how he treated her. i told him he could still make it right, but he disagrees and feels by even talking to her, it will give her hope that she is in some way, still important to him. and even though, maybe she should be, she isn't. it's a tricky situation all around. at the same time, his mother may be keeping ties with her. when i dated the brother, his mother was still e-mailing with his ex from college - totally inappropriate - but, his ex was Italian and i am not - that is another issue. i am also not the same religion as they are and that has come up in conversation. my boyfriend and i have discussed this and we have the same views on religion for ourselves and for children. it's a hard situation - i know it is not my place to call her - i could. the four of us went out together on rare occasions. she is a lot younger than i am. i am 30, the guys are 26 and she is 24. i just feel so bad and i am sure the last thing she would want is my pity.

[babycristy456]

Sorry to break it to you, but there is a poor girl out there that had a boyfriend for 2 1/2 years that is not informed that her "boyfriend" has moved on. She might be psychotic but your boyfriend is not giving her the honest truth. How would you feel if your boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. would just stop talking to you and you had other dilemmas in your life? This does not sound fair for her...

 

By the way you said "he wasn't the best boyfriend to his ex - and i knew that because he was always hanging out with me and his brother. i knew he had cheated on her and would lie to her.."...Don't you wonder how he will be with you, or are you so sure you are the cream of his crop?

 

If you have decided this is the guy for you, and he is serious about you, then he needs to communicate that to the ex, out of the only respect he might have for her...

[thoughts]

it's not about being the cream of the crop. it's about trust and honesty. do i know, matter of fact, i have that with him? i'll put it this way - why would someone risk their relationship with their family, especially their identical twin brother for just some girl? and why would i do the same with my family, who despises my ex aka his brother. we went into this being 100% sure. that was our deal. we've know eachother for 8 years. his brother and i brought out the worst in eachother and thank god his mother gave him an ultimatum - she told him it's either her or your family. he chose his family. his brother, well - he knows i am not an either or proposition and realizes his family's views and attitude are out dated and... well, let's just say he doesn't agree with them. his father lived with his mother til he was 30 - that's not the way it should be. his mother wants to take care of her sons forever and...well, that's not the way i was raised. i DO NOT believe a woman's place is in the kitchen NOR do i believe it is right to lie to a woman to save her pain. i have asked him to talk to his ex and he said it will cause more trouble than it's worth. i would be happy to call her, but it is not my place. he told me point blank, if he wants a wife like his mother, he would have stayed with his ex. it's not an easy situation. yes, i think he should take the bull by the horns - but, i refuse to give him an ultimatum or make a bigger issue out of this, because then i look petty and frankly, it isn't my karma. i am honest. his brother and i had a 2 1/2 year relationship and the three of us were able to reestablish a friendship. but, his brother, my ex, is a whole other can of worms.

[babycristy456]

Yea I understand its hard with families that put lots of pressure on their sons to follow their own traditions, which in fact we are living in a different culture all together now. Its not only Italians, but any culture, Im hispanic and I struggle with the same things. "Like don't move in with your boyfriend until you are married," or "you can't go away for college if not you'll become a crazy girl that no guy will want to marry"....Its a bunch of head games and bull cra* but at the end you need to decide for yourself, no matter who likes it or not.

Well, good luck with that and i hope the ex-girl just eventually gets a clue.

[thoughts]

Thank you. Me too. Have a great weekend. I appreciate the input.

[armchairshrink]

You asked for thoughts, so here are a few:

My boyfriend never really broke up with his ex, he just stopped talking to her. (Because she is psychotic)

Ouch. She may be psychotic, but she still has feelings. And I don't know if you mean "psychotic" in the clinical sense or in the popular sense. Is she the sort who would completely lose it or turn stalker if he told her directly? Would she hunt him down and make his life h-!! if he told her? Would she try to hurt him, or you, or herself? If the answer to those questions is 'no', then he needs to break up with her.

 

She knows we live together, but can't seem put one and one together and find - my boyfriend has moved on. She's called my boyfriend numerous times and he usually doesn't answer.

*Usually* doesn't answer? If he's going to do this, he should at least be consistent. Either talk to the girl or cut her off completely (we call that No Contact or NC).

 

He doesn't want to be too cold because her mom was diagnosed with cancer and to tell her to get out of his life would just be cold.

And what he's doing now is not cold??

 

I agree that saying "get out of my life" would be cold, but there are more tactful ways to break up with someone (although we know there's no "good" way to do so).

 

Needless to say, his mother's birthday was a few days ago - I didn't get her a card because she hates me and I asked my mother what I should do (mind you, I'm 30) and she advised it is her birthday, do not get her a card. So, I didn't. Last night my boyfriend was talking to his parents and his father told him that his ex sent a lengthy birthday card to his mother. Then he said, "Kind of akward, huh?" and left it at that.

 

OK, I see two issues here: one, that you didn't send his mother a card, and two, the ex did. Now, I don't know the history here, and it looks like there's a ton of it if you used to be with his brother. Why did your mother advise against sending her a card? I find that curious. Or is that part of the history we don't know about?

 

Anyway, it's too late now, but just for future reference, you should send his mother cards on special occasions. Why? Because you're living with her son. This puts you one step closer to daughter-in-law in most people's eyes -- at least to people in that generation. I don't know how serious you and your boyfriend really are, but if there's a chance you'll ever marry then you need to start smoothing over your relationship now. Rather, someone needs to start smoothing it over, and it sounds like you're less dramatic than his mother. If you know you won't marry, then do what you want. She hates you, you hate her (although this would be tough on your boyfriend). But if integrating into his family matters to you, then never fail to be at least polite, or even nice, to his mother (good thing the rest of the family already likes you). If you do get married, this will give you the moral high ground -- she will never be able to say that you were anything but nice. If she's half-rational, she might eventually realize that all the evil in your relationship was coming from her. And if she's not, you'll still have that moral high ground -- and the rest of the family's respect. Believe me, this matters -- especially when children enter the picture.

 

Now, as far as the ex sending Mommy Dearest a birthday card: yes, that was very awkward. I interpret his father's comment about awkwardness to be a hint that your boyfriend should fix the situation. I could be wrong, not knowing the context of the comment, but that's what it sounds like to me. The fact that your boyfriend has not broken up with her is starting to spill over into other peoples' lives. It has gone beyond just him and her and should be addressed. He needs to break up with her.

 

As for the rest, it sounds as though you've made a good faith attempt to get him to do the right thing by her. Why does he not want to? Apart from the fact that he's being grossly unfair to her, it is also not fair to you. He probably does not intend this, but in effect, he's keeping his ex "in his back pocket" so to speak. I doubt he'll ever cheat on you with her, but his resistance to making it official with his ex borders on the psychotic. Or is he just treating her the way he treats his mother? I'd try to find out if this is the case; because if it is, you could convince him that she's not his mother and does not have the same control or influence in his life. He can safely ignore her (obviously, since that's what he's been doing); but he's got to break up with her.

 

If he won't talk to her, would he try other forms of communication? How about writing a letter? Email? IM? Heck, he could send up smoke signals, as long as he does the deed!

 

For what it's worth, you have my complete sympathy -- and empathy. My mother-in-law hates me, too. She's very dramatic, very controlling, and selfish to the point of harming others. The family is much the same as your boyfriend's, although different nationality and religion (good thing they like me, too). My husband and I have been together for 14 years now, married for 11, so I've been dealing with this situation for awhile (I'll probably post for advice soon; she's making me crazy!).

 

Hang in there, and good luck!

[thoughts]

HE FINALLY TOLD HER. granted it came after she called 12 times last friday night at 2:30 in the morning. i made him answer. he spoke to her for about 3 minutes and she asked if he was hanging out with his girlfriend and he said yes. she asked who it was and he told her that it was me. she FREAKED OUT. he told her he had to go and for her not to call him again. she kept calling back - he turned his phone off and she left 15 messages - that's what i meant by psychotic! we didn't hear from her for a couple of days and then monday at 6:58 am - she called - he was in the shower, i answered. i was cordial and she was overly - i'm GREAT!!! caddy! her mother is getting worse, and i told her that i was sorry to hear that - i refrained from telling her that it is no longer her place to look for comfort in my boyfriend, instead, i told her i would let him know she called. he told me she called again monday afternoon. he hasn't spoken to her. i've decided not to waste anymore time on things i can't do anything about. BUT, thank you all for your advice and being there.