Help!!!

[kungfumaster]

Why are long distance relationships so hard!! I swear, the first one I had ended up failing - why do I think it will be different the second time around??

 

We're both busy people and we won't give up our time... what to do?? I guess one of us has to... so... I don't know... somebody please help!!

[darkblue]

Why are long distance relationships so hard!!

Because you rarely (if ever), get to actually see your 'partner'.

 

I swear, the first one I had ended up failing - why do I think it will be different the second time around??

Depends on the circumstances.

 

We're both busy people and we won't give up our time... what to do?? I guess one of us has to... so... I don't know... somebody please help!!

Even in non-LD relationships - both people can be busy, it doesn't necessarily mean it won't work out.

 

Now - do you want to fill in the blanks?

 

Is it intentionally an LDR or is your partner living away from you?

 

What's going wrong with the relationship?

[Zimetra]

Hey kungfumaster,

 

Unfortunately, nobody here will be able to help you. We can only provide some encouraging words. All of us long-distancers have these periods when we are discouraged and think there are so many obstacles to keep you from continuing the relationship. (I am not talking about the relationships that don't work out - I am talking about those who are in a temporary crisis.)

 

I know it's much harder to get over those times when you are in a ldr. Everyone comes to the point where they think "We're both busy people and we won't give up our time", or "Our goals are too different" or "We don't have any perspectives for the future".

 

I know this may sound commonplace, but the two of you should

 

1) sit together (virtually, I mean ) and talk about those seemingly irreconcilable things, about what you have in common and what you don't. About your goals, where they drift apart and how you could unite them. About what unites the two of you and how strong it must be to be able to overcome the distance.

 

2) work out scenarios. Be specific, evaluate all the possible and impossible strands.

 

Maybe you will come to the conclusion that it is better to go separate ways. But oftentimes, during these "moments of truth", you may realize once more how strong the bond between the two of you is.

 

I guess one of us has to

 

I don't think it works like that. When only one partner gives up things, there will always be an imbalance that will ruin the relationship sooner or later. It is important that both partners offer a sacrifice. It is also important that the sacrifice is not so substantial it will jeopardize the relationship.

 

 

I have come to this forum with a similar cry for help just a few weeks ago, and we are still not completely over the crisis. There may be more crises ahead. Yet I am very grateful towards all those who encouraged me, and I hope some of us can give you some encouragement by sharing our experiences with you.

 

Zimetra

[SeaBisquit]

i think the key is to keep yourself busy and try not to think about it to much. i'm now in a ldr too, it gets difficult at times but i find the busier i am the more the time goes by faster that i get to see him. i started looking at it as when i get to see him it's something to look forward to like a exciting trip that i get to take to go see him.

[kungfumaster]

i try to keep busy with myself... i am so busy... i hate the city i'm living in... my job is too stressful... what's a guy to do?? my job is basically to think, and in my offtime, i can't stop my brain from going overdrive on thinking too much...

 

i'm sorry i'm complaining so much... its just that NOTHING has gone my way ever since i moved to this place... NOTHING... the first time, i had to leave my gf of 2 years... now, i meet another girl who i absolutely adore, but she is living in a different city (we met in a mutual city none of us both lived in for a mutual friends wedding).

 

i know you guys are ausome... i so wish i had the same strength, and conviction as you guys... i really have no idea what to do... really. its like this long distance thing is a crapshoot for me. its like a lottery... i can never get a handle on it.

 

sorry, i really needed to vent. my long distance girlfriend and i are having troubles... or should i say, i'm having troubles. its renewal year for my contract job here, and i've been way stressing on it to the point where i've basically think i'm useless. i've been here 3 years at my job and what have i got to show for it?? yes, some experience at teaching, a tiny wee bit of research done... and nothing else... my spiritual life is also suffering, my physical side is also suffering - i think i lost 15 lbs... everything is just not going my way, and my girlfriend doesn't know... she's too busy having fun... and doesn't care. of course, she is not responsible for my happiness, but if she told me she was going through something, i would certainly make time to talk to her about it. ok, there was this time when she needed me to stick around, and i asked her, i could, and actually, i didn't want to leave her hanging like that, but she just told me to go, so i went. but i told her i would come back early to talk, but then she insisted i shouldn't so i didn't.

 

okay, just venting. i need to vent. its just all wrong... i hate being apart. she even told me though, once that she was glad we were doing long distance because it lets us get to know each other. i mean, the last thing i want is to be apart, and she says its a good idea? i don't know. also, i told her one big secret of mine in the past that i'm ashamed of. maybe because of that, she is slowing letting me go by torturing me.

 

somebody please just shoot me. am i nuts?? please, honestly, somebody tell me if i'm nuts, because if i am, then really, i would feel better.

 

okay. wow. i can still talk for hours. the circumstances when this relationship started is also something to talk about. i mean, we got together RIGHT AFTER she broke up with her live in boyfriend, like literally like 2 days after. i guess that's why our relationship is starting off so tumoltuously... it was maybe doomed from the beginning. why oh why did i do this to myself? why can't i be strong enough to just say no?? why do i always give in to cute girls who seem to be needed to be "saved" when in fact, i'm the one who needs to be saved!! not them. okay. i'll shut up now.

 

there is this chinese saying that says that birds are in danger of getting their feet tangled. men are in danger of saying too much and tangling their relationship. maybe that's my problem. i think too much as the above poster has said. i should just keep busy. but i try too!! its just so hard living in this city, with the friends i have, i don't know.

[Zimetra]

everything is just not going my way, and my girlfriend doesn't know... she's too busy having fun... and doesn't care.

 

 

Are you sure she is? Maybe she is struggling with problems too? Maybe she can't find the way to tell you?

 

And have you told her, really TOLD her about your problems, and in what an emotional mess you are right now? I mean, have you talked to her the way you talked to this forum?

 

You can't expect her to read your mind! A ldr requires a lot of sincerity and straightforwardness.

 

Can't you take some time off asap and go on a short relaxing vacation, either with her or alone, whatever feels better at the moment? Just pause and BREATHE for a while?

 

I wish you all the best!

 

Zimetra

[kungfumaster]

Thanks Zimetra for your response.

 

Well, here's what happened, and I'm so ashamed of myself. I was having such a tough time, that I called my gf and asked her if we could talk because I really needed to talk to her, and vent out what was happening to me. But that day, she was going out with her friends, and said she could talk to me later, but we have a 3 hour time difference, so by the time she got home, it would be 4am my time, and so I couldn't wait, and I felt like I was pestering her, and being a big burden to her. At one point, she was standing outside the bar, and it was cold, and she told me that, so I asked her to go inside, but she said I don't care about her. That's not true. I do care about her, alot. I was just having a really tough time that day. I was desperate so to speak for some support, but she could not provide it. She herself, I might add, is going through a rough time. She just broke up from her live in bf of 1.5 years, just a month ago, just moved into her new place just 1 month ago, is working two jobs to support her parents, and does not actually have "legal" status here in the Canada. So, I felt like I was a burden on top of her many burdens, and that's not good - I know. I feel so bad that I did that to her, and that night, I was ready to just let her go because I felt I was dragging her down instead of pushing her up.

 

But the next day, I talked to one of my colleagues, and he said I had a good chance of being renewed for my contract job, so I felt a huge load off my shoulders, and that day, just crashed and slept for 16 hours. Needless to say, when I woke up, I felt so bad for what I had put my gf through - the way I pushed my feelings of desperation onto her, and basically begged her to help me, but she wouldn't. Honestly, I am a bit disappointed that she did not in anyway try to help me or console me in anyway. When I called her for the fifth time that day, she told me, "she was not having fun with her friends" and that was because of me. I felt bad, but at the same time, I was going through a crisis here... I don't know. Okay, maybe it wasn't that big of a crisis, but it was to me. I had given up relationships, and alot for my career and I was in danger of losing it. I know the career doesn't make the man - I know, but I felt like I had nothing - not even my girlfriend who is supposedly my girlfriend who should supposedly at least try to help me. But I understand that she's gone through alot of changes too this past month. ALOT.

 

I was really afraid, from the very beginning that this was going to be a rebound relationship for her, and it seems like its turning that way from just the way she acts. I don't know. At the beginning, we talked about our future together, having kids, talking about family... etc. Now, there's no mention of that at all. She is satisfied with just talking on the phone for just 10-15 minutes, and sometimes, not at all. She would rather spend all of her time with her friends. I bought a ticket for her and she's going to come in less than two weeks, but she hasn't mentioned anything about that in like a week. Yah - at the very beginning, I was afraid I was going to be a rebound. I really hate that. All those things she said to me about the future... although I was skeptical at first, I began to believe it. Now, all my fears are starting to come true. I am starting to think this was just a rebound relationship for her. For me, I admit I made some mistakes... but, I don't think that if she really serious about me, would she just let go of me because of that?? I don't know, can someone help me??

 

I do love her, and I think she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have given her space because she has asked me to give her space. But I'm afraid that this space is going to turn into permanent space. She said she will definitely call me tomorrow. I told her I have trust her to make the best decision for us, because I really do. She has gone through more life experiences than me, and has been through more stuff than me, and I think she is a good judge of people and where relationships are going. I don't know. I feel so helpless, yet I know things will turn out the way they should in the end.

 

I cried alot yesterday. I know this is a turning point in our relationship. I am not going to kid myself. I am expecting the worse tomorrow when we talk on the phone, if she manages to actually call me, and stops avoiding me. She says she just wants to work now and have nothing on her mind. Doesn't that sound like avoiding the situation?? I am doomed once again aren't I? This will be the second long distance relationship that has failed for me, if it indeed fails.

 

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. I attatch a letter I sent to her recently.

 

God bless everyone here on this forum.

Kung fu

 

Hi XXXXX,

 

I hope you are feeling better. I apologize once

again for what I've put you through this past

few days. I was truly going through a tough time,

where I did not honestly know what to do and was scared

of what might happen to me in the future. You were

the only one I thought I could turn to at that momment,

and that is why I felt I was so desperate: its because at

that time, you were the only light I could see in my future.

I'm sorry to have put you through that, especially since

you did not want that. I should have just turned to

my family, who although will worry about me, will

always be there for me, or to XXXX or some old friends.

 

I am not sure what you are thinking about our relationship now,

but I just want to let you know that I trust your

decision with us. I know that you are much more a better judge

of a person and relationships than I am, because you

have more experience and have been through more life

experiences than I have. I respect you, I respect

what you have gone through, what you are going through now, and

I respect your life and what you want in a healthy relationship

and partner. That is why I feel comfortable trusting the decision

you make with where our relationship will go.

 

I hope you know how much you mean to me, although these past few

days, mabye you cannot see that. I hope you can feel that I love

you, and just want the best for you. I can tell you that I know and

feel that you are good for me, and that you are the person I want

to be with.

 

I'm at work here for the rest of the day. Please give me a call here

when you are ready. If not, just let me know when.

 

Love always,

Me

 

She did not call, but wrote this email to me:

 

Hi Me,

 

Thank you for your emails! I've just got up and have to get ready to work. As you know already, I haven't had such good sleep for a long long time. I even told my mom to not call me and just let me sleep the whole weekend. It was super busy last night at the night market, probably bcoz it is the last weekend until next summer. There's only 4 ppls working tonight so i will be really busy as well. I hope you understand why i haven't call. I'd rather just not have anything in my mind right now and just go to work. I would definitely give you a call tomorrow. Honestly, I really thank you for giving me spaces this weekend.

 

Have to go...

 

XXXXX

[Zimetra]

I can see two people going through a really though time. In a stable and strong relationship, the partners are able to support each other in situations like these. But your relationship is still at a very early stage, it seems there has not yet been built enough trust and assurance in order for the two of you to overcome both your individual crisis' together.

 

Very often, when struggling with a difficult situation concerning a different part of their life (e.g. professional), people have to put all their energy into it and cannot concentrate on building up a relationship or saving a relationship through a precarious period. Your girlfriend might hear your cries for help and WANT to help you, but at the same time your worries are an additional burden on top of the problems she has to deal with, and simply too heavy for her to carry right now.

 

If "space" is all she needs right now, her intention is not to hurt you. She just doesn't have enough strength left to help you as well. Tell her about your problems, but don't ask her for help at this point.

 

The two of you will see each other soon. If today she decides to give it one more try, try to focus on the time you will have together. I hope you will be able to spend a few days that allow both of you to recharge your batteries.

 

But eventually, you should not let her take the decision on whether to continue your relationship by herself, even if she's more experienced than you are: It concerns both of you, and you should take the decision together.

 

One more thing: You said your career is not the most important thing in your life. You might want to rethink this statement. If your job causes you such headaches, pushes you into a serious crisis and puts your relationship in danger, you might want to ask yourself: Is it that important to me? Do I really want to sacrifice other important aspects of my life to it?

 

Zimetra

[novaseeker]

The thing about LDRs is that they take incredible levels of trust to sustain, combined with the ability of both partners to stay focused on each other even though they are not physically present. Admittedly, not everyone is cut out for this.

 

It's hard to know, and the rest of this is just my speculation based on what you've written ... my sense of your relationship is that your GF and you are not precisely on the same page at the moment. That happens, and in itself is not something to worry about, but simply to be aware of. It's hard to tell, but it could be because she is going through a lot of things on her end, relating to recovering from her previous relationship ... she could turn to you for support with that, but that could be threatening to her because she doesn't know you as well (ie, she could be scared to scare you off, or simply not feel comfortable seeking that support from you yet) and she may also feel the need to get out of her place and socialize in real time with her friends. As you know people often do this as a way to help themselves move on from failed relationships, and it could be she is focusing on that to help her move past her ex-bf and be there better for you.

 

In that situation, it's easy to feel slighted, or that you're a lesser priority, but I'd advise you to resist the temptation to feel that. If she is coming to visit you, that will be a great chance to see firsthand what the real potential for your relationship is, and that's a great thing.

 

My own relationship is a LDR. I talk to my bf every day, in some fashion. Some days we talk a lot longer and more involved than other days, and this depends on energy level, what else is happening with each of us in real time, what there is on our minds, going on in our lives. I find that it's better for the communication to ebb and flow naturally like that over the course of time, as long as it is frequent and regular, and there is open communication between each partner about what is happening in real time. If he is going out with friends, I do not expect him to forego that to speak with me, but I do expect him to tell me, and speak with me beforehand or afterward, etc ... I want him to have fun, and I don't want him sitting around because I am not there, so it doesnt bother me, as long as communication is maintained. But to be honest, I only really reached that watershed in our relationship after we finally spent a significant amount of time together in real time, during my visits with him ... I know that when I'm there in person, I'm 100% the focus, and so that makes me much less 'needy' about being 100% of the focus when I'm not there (because I don't think that's healthy, he has to go out and do things and enjoy life when I'm not there as well!), but instead focus on the next time I see him in real time.

 

So I guess I would recommend to keep the lines of communication open, keep a bit flexible about the amount of communication on any given day, keep an open mind about why she needs other outlets for support, and keep a keen eye on when you will spend time with her in person in real time, because that's when you'll really see the potential for your relationship.

 

I wish you the best!

[kungfumaster]

Hi Zimetra and novaseeker,

 

Thank you so much for your responses - really!!! I am so appreciative, and I hope your LDR's are going well. I hope maybe one day, I can offer advise, but maybe now, I should just take it.

 

Zimetra - you are exactly right. I totally understand that she needs space now. All this weekend, I didn't call her, and I let her call me today. We talked for like 30 minutes today. She is EXHAUSTED!! So yeah, of course I will give her space. At the same time, she is getting sick, so I'm super worried. She has a kidney problem, and has diarhea now. Also, she's got a dry cough, which she has always had and is in danger of it turning into something worse if she isn't careful. So, I'm worried about her, and can't stand the fact that I can't call her because I'm giving her space. But, I just try to calm myself down, just write her emails when I feel like talking to her, but I don't actually phone her. She forgot that she is coming to see me in less than 10 days... I'm losing her. I don't even know if she wants to come even. I'm so scared to be honest, but I don't want to tell her I'm scared because then, she might run away or something... I don't know. I really want to see her and be with her. But now that she's sick... I don't know what to do. I told her is she's too sick, of course, her health is more important, so she wouldn't come. But at the same time, I told her if she came, I could take care of her for 5 days at least. I want to take care of her. It just hurts my heart to see her like this. She says she can take care of herself, but she gets sick all the time... what can I do??

 

Novaseeker - you are right... I think we are on different pages. She told me she has healed from her ex... but really, she still works for him every day... and sees him everyday... so, that's got to be impossible, or she's just lying to herself. At first, I didn't mind that she vented to me about her ex... then, she told me she felt bad for me that I had to listen to her talking about her ex. Okay, there was this one time where I told her I wouldn't mind if she stopped talking about her ex... but I said to her that I don't mind because I wanted her to heal from her ex completely, so that there would be no baggage brought into our relationship. So, your right. She's still trying to heal, and hence, she'd rather be with her friends more than me... and that's fine. So, I am giving her space. I don't call her unless she calls me. I'm just really scared though that she won't come to see me... I'm really scared. I'm really going to be in bad shape if that happens. My heart will be broken once again. My last LDR ended that way... I was suppose to go see her, but she didn't want to see me. I bought the ticket and everything, and she just refused to see me or talk to me in anyform... emails, phone, etc... Now, I bought the ticket for her to come see me, and I'm afraid she's not going to come. I'm so scared of that... I'm so scared of feeling rejected again. I know she's sick too, so I can't blame her for not coming. I'm just sick of how my LDRs are always so hard. Okay... sorry... really needed to vent.

 

God bless you guys for your posts. TAke care.

Kung fu

[novaseeker]

I'm just really scared though that she won't come to see me... I'm really scared. I'm really going to be in bad shape if that happens. My heart will be broken once again. My last LDR ended that way... I was suppose to go see her, but she didn't want to see me. I bought the ticket and everything, and she just refused to see me or talk to me in anyform... emails, phone, etc... Now, I bought the ticket for her to come see me, and I'm afraid she's not going to come. I'm so scared of that... I'm so scared of feeling rejected again. I know she's sick too, so I can't blame her for not coming. I'm just sick of how my LDRs are always so hard. Okay... sorry... really needed to vent.

 

I hear you. My bf previously had a LDR and his gf was supposed to come and see him and had planned about it and then at the very, very last minute something came up and she couldn't come (or rather wouldn't come). It killed him emotionally. It really did. I know that it hurt him a lot, a lot. The fear is really understandable to me, because I've seen it now in someone close to me. When I first went to see him, he was very careful not to get his hopes up about me actually following through until I was basically telling him 'look, I'm at the airport and I'm getting on the plane' ... and then he really believed I was coming ... that's how much this other person hurt him by not following through like that. I'm glad I've been able to follow-through with him ... it's been a great trust-builder, and I like it as well. The best I can offer you in terms of advice is to keep hoping she will come, and try not to get cynical about it. If she can't come, it will be hard for you emotionally. If that does happen, you'll have to judge why it is that she hasn't come ... and whether it is worthwhile to continue. Only you will know what the right thing to do is, based on what your sense of things is. But yes it is hard, and it is something that others come accross in LDRs as well, so I wish you the best with it.

[Zimetra]

what can I do??

 

The only thing you can do is reassure her that you are there for her. You can't HELP, but you can give her support. I just recently learned my ld boyfriend has to deal with problems more serious than I thought. I know how powerless it feels to witness this from a distance: Sometimes I wish I could just take the next flight to see him. - But then again, it wouldn't do any good: I know he has a life of his own, he has to deal with and conquer his own daemons, all I can do is listen to him when he needs to talk.

 

Take care, I wish the two of you all the best.

 

Zimetra

[kungfumaster]

the worst of my fears have come true. she is not coming. i am heartbroken. the first night, i couldn't stop crying... she said that i would be forcing her to come if she were to come.

 

how much pain can a heart take before it breaks once again?? you start healing it the last time it broke... you thought it was healed, but not no it hasn't

[novaseeker]

the worst of my fears have come true. she is not coming. i am heartbroken. the first night, i couldn't stop crying... she said that i would be forcing her to come if she were to come.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that.

 

If she has said that she would feel forced, then I think you have to consider seriously where this would have gone in any case. What I mean by that is that if she cared for you, she would likely never have said that coming to you would feel "forced". If it were inconvenient due to illness or some other thing happening in her life, I don't think she would have said what she did. You're the only one here who knows her personally, and so you're the best one to weigh what she said, but from where I am sitting, it is a very odd thing to say.

 

how much pain can a heart take before it breaks once again?? you start healing it the last time it broke... you thought it was healed, but not no it hasn't

 

I know what you mean. You can be more reslient than you think, however. In the short term, you're going to hurt, and the best thing is to accept that and accept the hurt .. healing comes faster that way. If you truly think it is over with her, then the best thing is to give yourself time to mourn your feelings --- a few days or so. After that, then it's time to take care of yourself and begin to move forward. In some sense, at that point you may be able to see this in a more positive light: namely, that if she didnt really care for you, then it's better that this would come out sooner rather than later when you may have even more invested emotionally in her. That's not something to focus on initially, because it can cloud your mourning process, which is critical for any real healing ... but down the road a few days it may be something that's easier for you.

 

I'm sorry to hear of all this. I hope in the end you're well.

[Zimetra]

If she has said that she would feel forced, then I think you have to consider seriously where this would have gone in any case. What I mean by that is that if she cared for you, she would likely never have said that coming to you would feel "forced". If it were inconvenient due to illness or some other thing happening in her life, I don't think she would have said what she did.

 

It's not necessarily like that. When I really care for someone, I would do "unreasonable" things for him. She might have serious health problems, but she can't stand seeing him hurt like this, so she might consider travelling anyway, even if it puts her health in danger. - But Novaseeker is right, you know her best, and we can only guess.

 

You said you could take 5 days off - could YOU go and see HER, and try to find out about the true state of your relationship?

[kungfumaster]

could YOU go and see HER, and try to find out about the true state of your relationship?

 

I was thinking of that, but tickets are so way expensive!!! Should I do it?

[Zimetra]

Should I do it?

 

Only you can answer that question. It depends on so many factors, some of which you know about and others you don't: on how much she means to you, on how much energy you want to spend on saving the relationship (or an effort to save it), on how much she cares about you, if this is the right moment, etc.

 

I believe there are no wrong decisions. Whatever you decide and whatever will be triggered by your decision, you will learn something out of it, it will be an experience useful for further steps in your life. - I know this cannot be of any help at the moment, but when I am in a difficult situation, I always try to put my dilemma into a broader perspective, and it helps me not to completely fall into dispair.

 

All the best,

Zimetra

[novaseeker]

Should I do it?

 

Only you can answer that question. It depends on so many factors, some of which you know about and others you don't: on how much she means to you, on how much energy you want to spend on saving the relationship (or an effort to save it), on how much she cares about you, if this is the right moment, etc.

 

I believe there are no wrong decisions. Whatever you decide and whatever will be triggered by your decision, you will learn something out of it, it will be an experience useful for further steps in your life. - I know this cannot be of any help at the moment, but when I am in a difficult situation, I always try to put my dilemma into a broader perspective, and it helps me not to completely fall into dispair.

 

All the best,

Zimetra

 

I agree. It's a tough call. Either way, something will come of it in terms of personal growth. I wish you the best in this decision.

[kungfumaster]

Thank you Zimetra and Novaseeker for your advise. They really really help!!! I mean it. Zimetra, you are correct that my gf is the type of person that would forget about herself sometimes to help me. But at the same time, Novaseeker is correct because she has this side of her, that I'm not so sure about. I mean, I saw the sneeky side of her when we first met. We had to sneek around everywhere to avoid her ex seeing us. And sometimes, she would act sick to get out of work, when in fact, she's not sick at all.

 

Anyways, we finally had our first long talk today (in about 2 weeks, we haven't had more than a 10 min. conversation). wow, it was like 5 hours. i honestly didn't know what was in her mind until today. I finally know why she needed space... it wasn't because she was stressed out because i stressed her out. it was because 2 weeks ago, i hurt her by not trusting her. that's why... she was really hurt, and needed some space from me to heal... that's the real reason.

 

wow... i admit, i did not trust her 2 weeks ago - its a long story, but that's what it boiled down to last time. I admit, it was my fault. she has a very complicated life, and i try to understand it sometimes, but sometimes, it puts my stupid mind into nonstop thinking, and yes, that's my fault, not hers. my lack of trust that day has to do with my lack of confidence in myself i think... its just, whenever she went out, she never told me who she went out with, so that was a bit strange i thought, but i guess not to her, and my sister-in-law. yes, they have a past life, and friends from there... why would there be any reason to hide it? i always tell her who i go out with, what i'm doing, etc...

 

she told me the only way she will come is if I'm ready for her, when i think i deserve her, am confident in myself, and when I LOVE her, not NEED her... she is right though. because of the last couple of stressful weeks, i have been through a lot of pressures from work, and from her, so i've taken quite a beating to my self-esteem, and right now, I feel like I need her to come just because I want to hold her, because just being with her would help me alot. But she will not come just for my benefit. She wants to come when I'm healthy and confident, and ready to give her life.

 

I don't know, I feel like I've taken such a beating from her... she made me feel really guilty about hurting her by not trusting her. I admit, it is my problem, but, really... I can understand that she is hurt, but I still don't fully see the reason why... I mean, my ex didn't trust me once, but I thought it was just funny - there's no reason why not to trust me. My gf now was really hurt that I didn't trust her.

 

Not only that, she does have kidney problems, and their flaring up now. In these two weeks, she never told me she was hurt!!! She just asked me for space, so I gave it to her, not knowing that she was mad... how was I suppose to know??

 

In anycase, I know this sounds bad, but I'm kind of glad she's not coming now. It just seems that I'm dragging her down with my issues, and she doesn't deserve that. I feel really bad doing that to her, and she made sure I feel bad by telling me constantly, over and over again today. Have you ever felt like you have been pummelled by nonstop punches? Well, that's what I felt like today. I felt like I was pummelled nonstop.

 

I mean, she still didn't say, outright that she won't come, but I kind of said to her to please book her "ultrasound for her kidneys" this Friday - her health is more important of course. And I don't want her to come and forget about her health. But, I thought she didn't want to come just because of her health. After the talk today, its deeper than that. Not only because of her health, but because I didn't trust her 2 weeks ago.

 

Any thoughts?

[Zimetra]

she told me the only way she will come is if I'm ready for her, when i think i deserve her, am confident in myself, and when I LOVE her, not NEED her...

 

In my opinion, this is one of the main relationship killers: when one partner NEEDS the other one too much. Of course, both love and, thereforeeee, need each other to some extent. But when that mutual need is not well-balanced anymore, when one partner gives up his or her independence, the whole relationship will get out of balance. - It is very important that you re-build your self-confidence, which will also lead to re-building your trust in her (unless, of course, there is a reason for your mistrust. If you feel she has a "sneaky" personality, there might be some reason for mistrust).

 

 

I can understand that she is hurt, but I still don't fully see the reason why...

 

I think I wouldn't be extremely hurt if my bf didn't trust me. I would be upset though - for him, b/c it would give me the feeling HE has a problem.