Gaining REAL Self-Esteem

[jetais]

Hi,

 

Throughout the years, my self-esteem seems to fluctuate badly, mood swings easily, I can get from very confident to feelin' like a poopie in no time.

 

I have noticed that, if Im confident on how I look, I feel great, Im very sociable and talkative. However, if Im feeling low, I just dont want to be seen, I avoid people and such.

 

I think one of my problem is that Im very self conscious about my image, I constantly check out the mirror if I look attractive enough or if I look poopie whenever I have the chance. So depending on how I "view myself" my self-esteem will be decided, either high or low. I kept on thinking, I will be socially rejected if I dont past someone's visual standards.

 

I find it very pathetic that certain mirrors can make you look good and others ugly. Its sad that I have to look at myself in the mirror most of the time...

 

Im not shy if I think Im looking good, while Im shy as hell if I think I dont look good.

 

Also, people's compliments seem to have little effect on me, I get very cynical on people's intention like "she told me this because shes just being nice and doesn't wanna reject me directly". I have the feeling people are just being nice to me because they either have ulterior motives or pitying me for some reason.

 

Why do I need the validation from other people regarding about my looks all the time so I could be content?

Why do I feel people are so cynical when it comes to their relationship with me?

 

Any help is really appreciated...

[RayKay]

I don't think you are terribly different than a lot of people, I often have similar feelings, whereas my confidence depends on how I feel about my body image that day - but I also had a past history with eating disorders and though I am recovered from that, my body/athleticism/fitness/nutrition are still very important for me - I tend to be a little obsessive at times with my athletic training and if I feel I am not measuring up, I have lower confidence in my body and then myself. Honestly there is not rationale for it as I am very fit, healthy and DO know I am very attractive (I am lean/toned/strong and healthy), however it goes back to low self esteem and eating disorders while younger and sometimes my eyes see differently than the reality....

 

However, I also do not any longer tie my self worth to my physical beauty/body, as I know I am an intelligent, fun, loving, warm, beautiful person inside as well so even though I may have days I feel "lower" in body confidence I do know that I am a great person and have a lot to offer I have noticed that my "body image" issues only come up if I am feeling less confident in other aspects of life - like career, family relationships, my athletic competition and so on.

 

I would actually advise counselling for you, it sounds like your perception of your worth is so tied in with your body/self image and that you are somehow not also tying it to other positive traits of your character or personality that can carry you through a "bad body image day" to the next day.

 

Do you feel as if you are making a difference in your life, or being the best you can be as a person? Do you volunteer, are you satisfied in your job performance or education? Do you work out, belong to any athletic teams? Do you currently feel a "purpose" in other words?

 

If you are not working out, eating well, dressing your best, try those things as they can dramatically improve your overall confidence, to realize that its not just how you look compared to others, its how you can be the best you can be, and have a healthy, functional body.

 

But I would still consult a therapist, as sometimes these "body image" issues are deeper than we can confront on your own, especially if you are indeed already quite healthy and fit.

[Aueft]

Woah, this is amazingly similar to my situation, as I was reading your post I kept thinking how -identical- this is to me. Sorry I can't help but I just wanted to comment and state that responces on the post would be good for two, not just one person.

[jetais]

^ I thought I was the only one to have a demented mind of my looks.

 

 

Thanks for the response...

 

Well my confidence does depend on how I feel and of course how I look at my body image that day. If Im CONVINCED about my looks today I will have a great day UNLESS I see a bad reflection of me in some mirror then its kinda ruined. It sounds crazy but its true. Its about if I convince myself what I see in the mirror.

 

I played varsity basketball and yes, I was obessive working out in the gym. Recently, Im working full time so I barely have time nor motivation to go back to being fit. Technically Im 175 lbs yet I feel and look 130 lbs since I stopped working out. I feel skinny since I am. When I was active it didnt bother me as much but my self-esteem issue did have a negative impact when I played organized ball. Then someone told me about watching the proportionality of my body since I think I had a distorted view of mine then I got very paranoid and I lost motivation working out but I still have an obession about gaining atleast 15 more pounds.

 

People say my body looks good/hot ever since I started working out but I just brushed that off since ANYONE can have a great body if they workout...so its nothing special.

 

You're right, my perception of my worth is so tied in with my body/self image...it's more like the face, body comes in 2nd. I think I have alot of positive traits in my personality but its positive so it doesnt worry me, what stresses me out are the negative ones like how I can fully stop looking myself in the mirror for my self validation. Lately, I became more aware of my wrinkles, and all the characteristics of my face. Im using facial cleaning products, etc...to make myself look good all the time.

 

Im making good money at my job right now but it doesnt stimulate me like how I wanted, I have a boring day routine. I dont feel any purpose at all...besides Im making money but its boring as hell.

 

I've dated this girl recently and I came to the conclusion that she lost interest all of a sudden, Im very cynical now, since Im wondering why? Im hilarious, smart, atheltic, artistic, great guy to hang out with, etc...then I assume all these negative things I cant help...like Im not good looking enough for her, or Im too boring for her...etc...I assume quickly since I dont wanna make a "butt" out myself to avoid embarrasment if I proceed anymore with her...My insecurities are plaguing my relationships.

 

How should I proceed consulting a therapist since I've never done such thing before? Will it be expensive?

 

Im so tired of living everyday basing how I should react to the world based on what I think I look like...why cant I have a permanent and positive regard on what I look like? I dont wanna depend on people's opinion and compliments. Also, self-perception is different from other's perception of you and also, some people will find you ugly and some not, different standards for different people...its very frustrating.

[RayKay]

jetais,

 

Trust me in that last post I could totally empathize with your feelings...you could of been me writing all of that

 

I think that lack of stimulation at your job is a big factor - I know as I am in the same situation, however I have since made plans to return to school to CHANGE that, and it has really helped boost my confidence and optimism in many ways.

 

I say re-motivate yourself to get back to a good working out routine, but not an obsessive one - learn to realize there is more to life than working out (something I had to struggle to learn too!)...it does not have to be "all or nothing"...just part of a healthy lifestyle. Balance

 

And the relationship - well realize that sometimes though people can have all sorts of awesome qualities, that does not mean a relationship with them will work. There may have just been something missing for her, but that does not mean that for someone else you would not be absolutely perfect, and someone would embrace you quirks and all.

 

A steady image comes through time, but I do think fluctuations are normal - we are all dealing with hormones, stress, disappointments, that can affect our self-esteem and image of ourselves from day to day. What you need to strive to do is realize "Hey, this IS a bad day, and I am silly for feeling this way as I have so many great things about me to offer and by the end of the day I will feel better!". Learn ways to deal with days like that. For me, its a great hard bike ride to get out the stress, or cuddling up with my sweetie who lets me know just how beautiful he feels I am (I appreciate his patience with me on those days my self esteem seems low!).

 

As for counselling - look if you have something through work - some places have counselling programs, or call a local clinic to see what they offer, there are many sources for affordable counselling and referrals. Even contact your doctor for a reference.

[jetais]

Im planning to go back to school next year.

 

Im going to go back to the gym and have a healthy routine. God/Allah/Yahwei/Buddha help me get the motivation for that.

 

As for the relationship, I would create another topic if I decide to pursue her, my self-pride doesn't help me either. I need to lower it but I feel very vulnerable for being ridiculed at.

 

I really need to learn that looks and image aren't everything since I think its everything when it comes to today's society bombarded by superficial attractiveness and high standards.

 

Obvioulsy Im not the most attractive out there but why am I pursuing to atleast make myself that even if I know its quite impossible to achieve? This obession of mine is killing me. I could get ready in the morning thinking Im attractive by looking in the mirror but at the middle of the day, I check out another mirror to think that what I see isn't what I saw this early morning. Its just messed up. Why do I have such high standards when it comes to myself?

 

Anyways, thanks for your comments, I appreciate it.

If anyone else would like to contribute something, that would be great.

[Blayzed4Life]

man I'd kill to be your weight, you think 175 is skinny try being 6 feet 125 pounds, now thats skinny.

[Jaela]

Wow, Jetais, I see so much of myself in what you write. I have such a distorted view of myself. I'm way way WAY too hard on myself, and it only manages to eat away at my self esteem and completely stress me out. Have you considered trying to get through a day WITHOUT looking into a mirror? You know, fix yourself up tidy in the morning and not even give a second thought afterwards on how you look? Just breeze through your day and let your natural inner beauty shine through?

 

It's weird, but when I force myself to do this, I release myself from this constant vicious cycle of look-in-the-mirror, feel-disappointed-with-any-imperfection-i-see, feel-crappy-about-myself ... etc etc. Then check the next mirror, hope to see something better, feel disappointed again ... blah! It's exhausting!

 

Smile and the world really does smile with you

 

Ohh, I've just started a hatha yoga course in college as well. I feel so less chaotic after a session ... so at peace. I don't give a second thought to my looks, or allow myself to feel pulled down by my distorted view of them. Its such a wonderful release.

 

I would probably also benefit greatly from therapy but I don't know if Id be able to afford it right now

[Cool Lemonade]

For me I can be the same. After I look in the mirror I have less confidence about people not being attracted of me and would not try to connect to me. I try to avoid looking into the mirror less and focus on some other aspects of myself (I still need to work on it). I wish people would give me more compliments about the way I look everyday (mostly from men). So I would think positively, since it's not a look I find to be represented on TV often... Maybe one of your reasons you need "validation from other,” is to know people still marvel at that particular look and react to it in positive ways. I think when looking in different mirrors, the image changes, due to light and shape, etc. Like the trick mirrors at certain amusement parks (a person looks in one mirror and he/she are tall. Then they look into another one and he/she is fat). Sometimes a person can/ can not trust mirrors... (but I do not think about those things at times).

 

[...]

Why do I need the validation from other people regarding about my looks all the time so I could be content?

[...]

Any help is really appreciated...

[nuts]

Im hilarious, smart, atheltic, artistic, great guy to hang out with, etc...

well it sounds to me like you have the potential to be happy in your skin, just for some reason you lack the confidence to do just that. like many others have said, i can totally see myself when i read about your problem.

 

i agree that your job seems to be part of the reason you are down.. take pride in the fact that you are makin the decision to do what makes you happy, ie going back to school, etc.

 

one thing you may wish to try is something i try and do (andbelieve me its easier said than done!). stop lookin to others for validation, it'll only make your situation worse. this way you can take things one step at a time. you need to realiseyou do not need the approval of others in order to be happy - example, the commens made about your body, the girl you dated. you may find yourself fishing for compliments to feel better. youre only inviting more opportunities for letdown (because although the comment might not be negative, it may not be what you want to hear) so i would avoid it altogether.

 

once you are able to forget about other people, you can then work on yourself and your own self-worth. do what you feel you should to make yourself happy. your plans for the future sound like a very good start.

 

best of luck to you.