IM TORN .........

[CASS020283]

Hello all,

I have been reading a lot of posts lately, just to see if i can relate to any of the situations/advice, and thankfully i can. however, each relationship and situation is different so i thought i should finally break down and see what you all had to say about mine.

 

my xboyfriend broke up with me the end of april. we went 1 1/2 months NC. I initiated contact in a small way after feeling like i would b able to handle the situation either way it went. he reciprocated the following day. we talked, laughed, kept it all light, no relationship talk.

i ended the conversation on a good note, and he was stumbling with his words trying to keep me on the phone, he finally said goodnite. he called the very next day, and i tried to keep it short, and he said "could you talk for a bit, or are you in a rush?" so we talked about what was new, and about what he had forgotten to tell me the night before since he was taken back by my phone call( im told by a mutual friend he thought i was over it, bec. i did NC and didnt think i wanted to hear from him, and he wanted me to heal if thats what i was doing)

anyway, since we have kept in contact, at first a few times a week, we waited 2 weeks into contact b4 we saw each other.

once we saw each other, the connection was intense and bec. not alot of time had passed, it felt as if we were stil 2gether. about 2 weeks into contact i told him that i thought we should cut contact again as it was a bit upsetting, and he said he respected my wishes. we talked a long time, and he said he wanted to sort through things before he jumped into something w/ me again, as he didnt want it to have to end for the same reasons. he said if i felt as i felt and he felt as he felt, we should have faith in that. he said he loved me and then we said goodbye.

inevitably about 1 1/2 weeks later, he called me. we started talking again, and i told him that i felt as if he was scared of us going somewhere he wasnt ready for, and that his way of stopping it was to leave. we talked about more, and he agreed with me. we talked about the wedding issue {read my first thread} and he finally agreed with me about that too, or more like admitted. he gets defensive when he knows im right about something he doesnt want to admit. so since we have kept in contact talking and seeing each other rather regularly seeing about 2x a week and talking everyohter day or so. we have been intimate as well. for the last month, it has seemed to be more and more like a bf/gf relationship, with dinners, and sleep overs and favors, and lunch meetings, and goodmorning and good nite phone calls.

in a prior conversation {about 2 mnths ago} he had told me he has a lot he wants to say to me but he is not ready yet.he loves me and i make him forget everything when he sees me, {if i wrote everyhting you guys would b reading forever}

anyways this last monday, i drove to his town and txt him are you home? he called me right away, he said he was in my town as him and his buddy were together and his buddy said i miss cass, lets stop by. so hes like do you want to meet up for a drink in my town? so i said yes. they got there and his friend was saying how he missed me and it was good to see me, and so on and so forht. we hung fo r about an hour. we walked his friend to the car, and then he sat in my car for a bit and we just talked joked whatever. so he gave me a kiss and i looked at him and said, "you know youre gonna have to talk to me soon right?" he smiled and said " i know" we said goodbye and he went in and told me to call when i got home so he knew i was safe. i did. talked for 10min. said bye.

it is 3 days later and suddenly he is not contacting me. not once. me either. i know that he is twisting in his head that i said he had to talk to me soon.

my questions really are should i put my foot down and say forget it if making a decision about us is so hard, or should i let him take his sweet ol time on this.

itss frusterating and i start to feel like i should be saying "you should be fighting to keep me, not wondering if you want to be with me or what to say. i feel like i should do something, make some sort of decision on my own, but i dont know what to do. so many night have i prayed God just make it clear in my heart, but its not. i dont know what to say where to go with this, and i just dont know. if anyone could offer any advice it would be so helpful....

i also read hope75 thread and another as well that were similar and .........

thank u so much

Cass

[Dateagain]

it is pretty clear you are still really into this guy. But I'm wondering: If he really valued your relationship, he wouldn't be so afraid of talking about it. It's like you are pushing forward, and he's stepping back.

[CASS020283]

I wonder about that on some level... and i think he did step back...but im just ready to move forward either way........being in limbo is no fun.

 

however as i pulled up on my lunch break he was there, and on his own, brought me lunch, and said, how about we talk after this weekend, and we also talked about how when we have been together lately we r not even thinking about the situation, bec. we are busy enjoying the company and it doesnt even feel necessary. i assured him it was necessary. he also said he thought i might be upset about the no calling, and i told him what iwrote above, and that he shouldnt take my understanding for granted. bec. it will not always be that way. he kind o f looked at me stunned, and said that there is no way he takes me for granted.

i also said that i felt like it was him reminding me that we are not together, he disagreed to my assumption. now i dont even know what i want to say.........there is so much.

[Dateagain]

Trust in your process! You are laying it out for yourself,saying what your needs and boundaries are. Just keep straight on those and be honest when you do have your talk. Guys can be pretty dense sometimes, like how he's stunned when you set a boundary, you know?

[CASS020283]

Lol!!! youre funny!! yeah, i think dense is a pretty good word. sometimes its hard for me to stay on topic, and sometimes, and i dont know why, but i get scared to set a standard with anyone, i guess im afraid to cross a line?? i mean its hard for me to make a demand of someone, so i sell myself short sometimes, and settle with what i can get, or leave one boundry out thinking it might be too risky........i'll be honest, i dont even know if i know how to make a healthy relationship work...in my *short* life, ive become comfortable with people, screwing up, and forgiving without question, you know like the dog you can kick and he still comes back to you.....

thank you date again, there is something about someone else's positive words....you know what else, i almost feel guilty for writing here and expecting someone to respond, so thank you for your time

[skyjuice]

Hi CASS020283,

 

You should not feel guilty about writing here and expect someone to reply. Because this forum is intend to help people with relationship problem.

 

Take baby step to prevent people for taking you for granted. And do not short sell yourself. Life is too short to do those things. Enjoy your life and value your life.

[Msnak]

Baby steps are good, just make sure you put 100% into each step. You've got the communication down, I guess he just needs to work on that.

 

I'd almost suggest an ultimatum so you don't feel like you're in limbo. It's not too much to ask for. You could almost ask if he can take four days or a week or so to think about the relationship and then you two agree to meet up face-to-face and talk it over.

[CASS020283]

i dont like the ultimatum thing..it makes me feel as if ive forced someone to make a decision they were not ready for. but as i said i cant wait anymore.......i'm ready. not for marriage or anything, just ready for my relationship with him {we have been together for nearly 3 years now-including the time apart}

we are meeting up this coming week...........

ive heard it said many times that if the decision to be with someone is that difficult, than its not the right decision or that person is not the right one for you..... that thought is constantly in my head.

do you think that is true???

[Msnak]

About your quote:

 

ive heard it said many times that if the decision to be with someone is that difficult, than its not the right decision or that person is not the right one for you..... that thought is constantly in my head.

 

--I agree. For example, do you have negative feelings about him when you think of him or contact him?

 

Do you: feel sick to your stomach, guilty, can't sleep, worry, frustrated, can't concentrate, daydream, can't eat?

 

I don't think that's love. If it is, I've been in it three times and I know that's not the case.

 

That's a sign your body, mind and heart are sharing with you that maybe something or someone isn't right for you.

 

But then...I've heard, "nothing good ever comes easily."

 

But there's easy and there's downright painful.

[CASS020283]

Well...i know its love, when we would argue it felt like what you said, but general contact with him makes me happy as well as him. what i mean is that if his final decision to be with me or not to be with me is so hard, than is that saying something to me?

is it normal to have doubts about a relationship, that in the end turns out to be right for you?

bec. from what i gather watching the rest of the world, even the best relationships have turmoil, and i dont mean turmoil that lasts for 1 day, but they fight for their love, and the problems that they did have dont define their relationship as "wrong" ..... its just some people have said that bec we took time apart for the 2nd time, that maybe its just never gonna work....though i dont feel that inside, it makes me a lil weary....and sad and even more confused

[Msnak]

I think everyone has doubts about their relationship. I like to talk to older people who've been married, divorced, widowed, etc. to find out info from them about what qualities in a mate matter, what makes a marriage last and what ruins a relationship. Doubts seem to be normal, no matter how great or how awful the person you're involved with.

 

So making one's mind up is tough, especially when you think of our society where marriage is all to easy to exit and where relationships are cheapened in so many ways and being able to date a diff person every night is seen as the way to go--if you're not doing these things, you're branded a loser sometimes.

 

 

I love how you wrote: "even the best relationships have turmoil...but they fight for their love, and the problems that they did have dont define their relationship as "wrong"

 

I don't think breaking up is a bad thing, it gives you space, it sometimes parts people that don't need to be together, who eventually find better partners.

 

Hopefully the confusion will go away!