My dear John letter... what would you think if you got it?

[Sally7829]

*removed*

[saint_saul]

I think you did a really great job of elucidating the "why" of the break up, especially on behalf of how you once felt compared to how you feel recently. Hmm question though, what exactly do you want him to feel when he reads it? I'm not sure if you exactly conveyed what you intended to. I think this letter reads very coherently and, interestingly, very objectively. It didn't seem as if you were specifically trying to lash back at him, and this is probably a good thing.

 

On a last note, I'm sorry to hear about the break up. From what I derived of the letter, you deserve someone who is more committed to stepping up to the next stage of your/his life. I'm sure someone will come around, so good luck recovering in the meantime.

[Sally7829]

i want him to feel that it's really over. but that's such a hard thing to express... i guess really, it's that it's over unless he commits. which he can't do. so it's over.

[saint_saul]

If that's explictly what you want him to know, then I might make one small change at the end, like a sentence or two specifically stating that. The reason I say that is so it is 100% clear and there is no other way (for him) to interpret anything else. Just set it up so it doesn't sound too harsh or unnecessarily mean, like "Despite the sliver of happiness we once had, I am positive that our relationship as a couple is over." You don't even have to include the commit part, because if he is still lingering on the idea that the relationship is possible, that will be the perfect "loop hole" for him. Just tell it to him flat. Also, don't be terrified to send him the letter. If it's something you truly want him to know, and you are sure that it is over, you should send it. He doesn't HAVE to read it immediately, but if you don't send it at the opportune moment (now), you might never get the chance to express those things... and you'll definitely regret that.

[Sally7829]

I tried to send it and I can't... I don't know what that means. It's just so final when it's sent. I don't know what to do.

[saint_saul]

It's supposed to be final. It's supposed to be closure -- for you. If you can't send it, you need to ask yourself why. Do you have hope in this relationship? If you do, you need to assess whether or not it is appropriate. If he can't commit like you say, then he is not worth it! Think about it for a little while and see how you feel. Reread it to reassure yourself of why you would be sending it in the first place, and remember you want him to know these details.

[DN]

What are you telling him in the letter that he doesn't already know?

[wynterose]

After reading the letter ... I was surprised by your comments about considering keeping the relationship going if there was commitment from his part.

The reason being, you make no mention of it in your letter. Your letter is very clear and precise. You no longer love him, you don't think you'll love him once it's over and your mind is made up. This is what he will get when he reads this letter.

IF there is a chance of you trying again if he commits, then THAT is what you should say. Tell him that you care for him, that you love him, but can't go on as is. If he commits, it will bring you to a 'next' level and you'll be able to 'plan' a future. If he doesn't commit, then you will start the healing process and move on with your life.

 

I hope this helps....