Been in a LD relationship for 6 years

[thoyneeka]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to the forum. I have been dating my bf since the summer before my sophmore year in college. We've known each other since 9th grade. We've been long distance the entire time, only seeing each other every couple of months, and some whole summers when we still traveled home for summer breaks. Now that we're 25, we don't travel home for long periods of time anymore and only see each other every other month or so. With the popularity of cell phones, of course we've come a long way in the telephone dept. We talk just about every night and we text whenever we need to.

 

The problem is I'm tired of this whole long distance thing. This past Nov. I told him that I wanted to see other people (at the same time he was planning to propose- of course i didn't know that). He's been in Alabama (Tuskegee Univ.) and I've been in Florida & Georgia. Back in undergrad we were about 4.5 hours away and he only came to see me 2 times. Since I moved to Atlanta for grad school in fall 2002, he's only been here about 2 times... and now we're only 1.5 hrs away from each other. I can't count the number of times I've gone to see him. I've rode the bus, rented cars, and put tons of miles on my car. When I told him that I wanted to see other people, he showed up (one of the two times) at the drop of the dime. We both did some re-evaluate, individually and as a couple. We have huge communication issues because of the way we both were raised, but i guess since i'm a female i tend to be a bit more open. And the long distance is no help. He promised that he'd come see me at least 1-2 times a month... he hasn't been to Atlanta since my graduation in Dec.

 

So, here's the most recent problem. I don't want to be in different cities anymore, but he keeps saying I'm not ready (Iguess because when he thought he wanted to propose, I wanted to see other people). We don't have to live together, but I don't see the point of being apart. I find myself wondering if this is worth it. Most recently, he found out that i had spoken to someone from a past fling. Of course he got mad. But in my defense it was innocent, wrong still, but innocent. so I apologized and we're trying to make ammends. I just don't get how he feels it right to dictate/control when I'm ready for anything "bigger". When I feel like, the longer it takes for our relationship to progress, the more likely I am to want to say again... I think we should see other people.

 

I have a job interview at Tuskegee Univ., but I'm not sure if he's completely supportive of it (because of the fact that he's mad- because I talked to the other guy he immediately said "see that's why I'm not moving down there"). I'd be right there with him, I'd be able to continue working on my career goals. Now that he's mad about me talking to this guy and don't know if I should. I already have a job offer here in Atlanta at a community college.

 

We do love each other. I think he's afraid. I know myself, I get lonely and need lotsa attention, which he doesn't give because he's always working or has something else to do. So outside of phone calls and an occasional visit that I make to him, he hasn't kept up his end of the deal that we made back in Nov. When I ask him about it he says "what do you expect me to do, you know I have to work" But we're only 1.5 hrs away. Even when he only has one day off he can come the evening before, stay with me that day and be back the next day for work.

 

Any comments, suggestions?

[reflectionlessmirror]

Yes, this relationship needs to move forward or end, because we know that at least 50% isnt happy! You are not even suggesting living together,simply living int he same area and he stillisnt going for it? that is very strange. I think you should go ahead with your idea of seeing others. Tell him you are simply NOT getting what you want to out of the relationship. If he is upset (i am sure he will be) too bad...you are stuck in relationship purgatory. you have told him you arent happy and he hasnt offered you any solutions.

[ReadyorNot]

I agree that the relationship has to move forward or end....

 

You are only 1.5 hours away? Thats nuts... my bf would be at my place every time he had a day off if we lived 1.5 hours apart.

 

My fiance leaves for the military at the end of August. For three months he will be 3 hours away, and then for a year (in the middle of this year we are getting married) he will be 4 hours apart. He says if I dont move with him (I might) he will be home every friday night...

[Hope75]

Right now I live 1 hour away from my bf.... we are moving in together (again) in 3 weeks. I drive back and forth v. frequently to see him, I can't understand why your bf won't do the same!

 

After 6 years of LDR I wonder if this is exactly what your bf wants.... the intimacy every so often when he feels like it, and then the freedom of singleness the rest of the time. Imagine how much effort he will have to put into the relationship if you are there all the time!

 

It seems sometimes these long term LDR's get stuck in a rut because short bursts of time together are all you are accustomed to, and then lots of freedom to do whatever you want the rest of the time.

 

With the job option where he is and him saying he isn't even ready for you to live in the same city, I don't see how this relationship can move forward. Does he expect you to be in an LDR forever?

 

It sounds like he's using the guy you talked to as an excuse... how far did it go with this guy?

 

If I were you, and my bf wasn't willing to close the distance and try this relationship for real after 6 years, I'd be telling him it's over. The relationship can only stand still for so long before one of you has to move forward.

[thoyneeka]

It sounds like he's using the guy you talked to as an excuse... how far did it go with this guy?

 

 

When we were in a high school program, I met this other guy ©. As a upcoming high school junior, I ended up breaking up with my current bf. Shortly after I went to a few movies with C we hung out and fooled around. We were not a couple and I knew he was "hanging out" with other girls. Then C was off to college because he was older than us. At the time my bf thought I broke up with him to be with C (and to this day i know he still thinks that-although I have told him otherwise). I was only a high school junior and he was going to be a college freshman. I was not dumb, I didn't want a relationship with C. I just thought my bf as a high school junior was a bit immature & besides, we were in highschool... my standard high school relationship was 3 months max. We've (C and i) had contact on and off through out college.

 

Back in Nov. when I told my bf I wanted to see other people, it was after I had come back in contact with C. Mind you, C was not the first guy that i'd given my number to or went to dinner with. At that point I felt like I didn't have a bf anymore so I didn't have to act like it. That's when I told my bf that I wanted to see other people. My bf thought that it was simply because other guys were trying to steal me away. But it was simply that I was not happy with the relationship anymore. Back in undergrad when a guy approached me, I would immediately say, no I have a bf. By my 2nd year in a Atlanta, I didn't see the point anymore.

 

I was not interested in starting a relationship with C, but we both expressed mutual feelings for each other. He knew that and he knew that if my bf came around I would give him a second chance. So longer story short. So that's as far as it went. My bf just feels like C is the ultimate threat.

 

Now, I've checked my email TODAY and have 2 messages from C. Although he agreed not to contact me anymore because of the recent events (I told him I won't be speaking to him either). I don't know if they're real messages, one is a forward. I didn't even open them. I can't block his address because I have an hotmail account and so does he... msn/hotmail won't allow memebers to block other members. I plan to stop using that email address in about another week after all my important contacts make use of a new address that I have.

[Hope75]

It's a little more involved than I thought it was with C. Regardless, you have told C that you are not interested in starting something with him, and your bf right now does not trust that.

 

Where do you think your present relationship can go if there is no trust and your bf is not willing to even accept you moving to the same town as you?

 

Does this sound like it can go anywhere?

[thoyneeka]

my bf is not necessarily unwilling for me to move to the same town. i asked him last night if he'd help me find a place to live if i got the job, to that he said we'll see. that's better than no. its just very bad timing. i am aware that my bf & i will have to work on rebuilding the trust, which is why i'm doing everything to reassure him. we've been talking a bit, but he just needs time to let go of some of his anger. we are both well aware that if he doesn't trust me, the relationship will not work. i've been trying to figure out why i couldn't just ignore C before this. my bf also made a valid point to emphasis that i need to trust myself too. this is why i'm doing everything i can to thwart any unecessary contact.

 

the recent incident with C was contact via email. i sent him a text about the emails i have in my inbox today. i thought it was important for him to know that i'm doing what i said. i let him know that i didn't even open them. i thought it was the right thing to do, but i'm a bit afraid that it'll just make my bf even more mad.

[Hope75]

At this point I'm not sure why you even felt you needed to acknowledge to emails to C. How important is a friendship with this C? If you stay in contact, after you have had some intimate contact with him, I can see why your bf feels insecure about it. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Would you want your bf to continue a friendship with this girl?

 

I hope that both you and your bf can get past these trust issues and learn to work together as a team and both be satisfied in this relationship, but right now it doesn't sound terribly promising.

 

Good luck, and keep us updated.

[thoyneeka]

i wanted to let my bf know about those emails because it shows that i'm making an effort to break contact with C. how else is he going to know that i'm doing what i said?? don't actions speak louder than words? so i let him know that C emailed me, but i didn't acknowledge them, that's why i told him.

 

i don't need to have any friendship with C at all. that's my point, i can't keep people from contacting me. i told him that my bf doesn't like us talking, but C says we can be friends. i told him no, not true. thus the reason why i have now changed the cellular number that i've had for about 4 years and why after next week i'll no longer use the email address that C has for me. i think you misunderstood, i'm not at all trying to maintain contact with C.

[thoyneeka]

i just wanted to clear something up...

 

C emailed me today. I didn't open the emails, I didn't reply, I didn't contact C in any manner. I did tell my bf about it via a text message to let him know that I'm making an extremely large effort not to contact this guy, although C is obviously not doing the same.

 

I can't block C from emailing me at this address because we both subscribe to hotmail/msn & its against their policy to block members. so i'm stopping use of that email address next week (i'm still checking to forward messages to my new email & to make sure no one is still trying to contact me there).

[Hope75]

I'm afraid I did misunderstand.

 

At this point I'm not sure why you even felt you needed to acknowledge to emails to C.

 

I thought you were tellling C that you were ignoring his emails, not telling your bf that you were ignoring C's emails.

[thoyneeka]

hopefully everything will work out. speaking to C 2 weeks ago was not worth all this trouble. now that i've taken some extra precautions to make sure we have no contact (because C can't understand why we can't "just be friends"), i want have to go throught his again and as time passes my bf will grow through the trust issues that he has with me.