Committed, but falling in love with a new friend?

[JeffreyS]

Hello! Hoping to get some advice here. I'm currently in a 5+ year committed relationship with a person I care very much about and am quite happy with. However, through a mutual friend of my partner and I, I recently met someone new. We hit it off immediately, and I thought we were on the road to a nice new friendship. We've exchanged e-mails and gotten together - none of it secretly or anything - but just as friends (I think). BUT...I find myself thinking more and more about this person, even in terms of a possible romantic relationship. I am very attracted to him and we have a lot of things in common. I have no idea how this other person feels though since they are pretty shy about this type of thing...and since they know I'm married may be reluctant to express any feelings of their own. I have no intention of having an affair, but I can't help but think of the relationship possibilities with this other person - who, by all accounts, is very similar physically and in other ways to my current partner (though, in some ways different too - in minor but positive ways that I find appealing). Do you think I'm just infatuated and it will pass? I've known this other person about a month. Do you think this signals something else on my part? I don't want to hurt my partner, risk our life toegther, or make a fool out of myself - yet I can't stop thinking about my new friend as more than a friend. Help!

[NewBreedGirl]

well I think its very natural to find attraction to other men....one women can't be tied down and not think about anything else but "her man"...with the whole romantic relationship with your new friend i think that that won't pass...unless you try to make it pass or you find yourself not attracted to him anymore....i mean with men i have liked i try to tell myslef i don't like them but I find it very hard "It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does". you should really find out what this person thinks about you and what his feeling are toward you. if you come to the point where you are risking your marriage and you feel that your husband is the better choise you probly should lay low a little bit. i don't believe in finding "the one" i feel that there probly many "one's" out there for each of us its just finding someone first that you could spend your life with. If you feel that you can't do anything else but go with your new friend you should talk to your husband....or well i really don't know what to do if it comes down to that....alls i can say is that it's gunna be hard to make your desion...i hope i helped

[Lifeweb]

My advice to you is to be careful here and really think things through. The good news is you've asked for advice and you seem as though you're trying to make the "right" decision. The bad news is the "right" decision is probably going to be difficult to make.

 

We live in a society where we are always looking to upgrade, super size or move "up" so to speak. We want the faster, newer computer, we want the better car, etc. unfortunately I think this has leaked into the mind set of just about every aspect of our lives (including relationships). Sure you've got a great realtionship with someone you've been with for five years... but now there might be something here with this other person. So is it time to upgrade? Time to trade in that old model for a newer one? I'd hope not. Because people are people, not cars or computers. Feelings are involved. And when feelings are involved you have to be very careful.

 

There is always going to be someone else. Someone smarter, funnier, cuter, leaner, someone who seems to enjoy what you enjoy more then your partner. Always. If you hooked up with this new person, the same thing will happen later on down the road. You'll eventually meet someone else who is a little more "upbeat" or "like you" or whatever else it is you find attractive. The thing is if you constantly chase after the better, friendlier, happier, smarter, cuter person... you will never be able to enjoy the funny, cute, happy person you are all ready with. It's a cycle that will never end.

 

Every relationship goes in cycles. The first cycle is the honeymoon cycle. Anyone who's ever been in a relationship knows this cycle well. It's that first phase. It's when EVERYTHING is ELECTRIC and bursting. It's when a kiss can send you to your knees, when a look can make your heart skip beats, when a smile makes you melt. It's a great phase to be in. unfortunately the honeymoon does end. It always will. Then you move into another phase of the relationship. A phase where every kiss isn't electric, where everything isn't great, where every smile doesn't make you melt... but this phase is deeper and more meaningful. You now have a partner who loves you for who you are. They have seen your ups and your downs and they still accept you . Take a deep breath. You're lucky to have what you have. So make sure you don't trade a meaningful relationship for that honeymoon feeling.

 

If you can't stop thinking of your new friend as more then a friend and you don't want to hurt your current partner you have a VERY difficult task ahead of you. You need to break off the friendship with this new person. If you don't, the feelings are likely to increase (as you concentrate more and more on all the adorable things about this new person) and that will only lead to more trouble. If you really care about your partner, then you need to stop this friendship before it becomes more then that. If it is all ready more then that (you think you might love this new person) you need to put a hault on it fast.

 

Think about your partner here. This person has shared five wonderful years wtih you. How would you feel if your partner would do this to you? If your partner had come to you four months ago and said, "We're breaking up. I love you but I might like someone else too." what would you have said? How would you have felt? What would you have done?

 

If you are having feelings for someone else and you care about your partner I suggest working on making your current relationship STRONGER. Get some relationship books or visit some web sites and really work on things with your current partner. I suggest the book, "don't sweat the small stuff in love". I am sure what you will find (if you read this book WITH your partner) is that you not only have a GREAT relationship all ready... but you also have a GREAT relationship that can be even better. That's right. The person you are with has loved you for five years... that's awesome... and with the right tools, that love can grow, not dwindle.

 

You have found someone who is with you after five years. No doubt you have gone through ups and downs, good times and bad times. However the fact that you have been together for five years speaks volumes for the strength of your relationship. If you have been happy with this person (your partner) over the last five years you SHOULD not leave the realtionship or cheat of your partner. Because the chances of this new person still being with you in five years isn't that good. That's a long time... and how would you feel if you tossed away your five year relationship for a new relationship that barely makes it past the honeymoon phase (as most relationships do not).

 

Think of it this way. You all ready have what it is you are looking for. You have a partner you love, who loves you, good times, someone who accepts you and someone you are happy with. It doesn't make much sense to throw that away so that you can try to find someone who loves you and accepts you. In other words, don't throw out love to look for love.

 

Losing this new friend will hurt. But don't fool yourself into thinking you can "just be friends". You've all ready admitted you might not be able to do that. I would suggest taking a three to six month break from this new person. Let those feelings die down. Then if you think you can procede with the friendship, try... but if you know that those feelings are still there and won't go away... you need to step up and let this other person go.

 

Hope this helps.

[CaryRob]

I don't have any words of wisdom but I am finding myself in almost the exact same position. The difference is that I am a traditionally married bisexual and my friend is a gay man.