I need some advice

[ShatteredJewel]

Hello! New to the forum, and looking for a little advice.

So here we go.

My fiance and I have been together for 1 1/2 years. Both of us have some major mental health issues (Bi Polar and Schizophrenia, both medicated). We've been living together for almost a year and there have been some ups and downs, I think due to insecurity and anxiety. He has a hard time with communication and I suppose I do too. Besides work, we are always together, neither of us really have friends to go hang out with, so we spend a lot of time doing things together, errands, repairs to vehicles, visiting parents, etc. He told me the other night that he feels like he's smothered and that sometimes he wants to just do things by himself, either video gaming, watching a video on youtube, etc.

Which is totally fair and I get it, but the thing is he's always asking me if I want to go to the store with him, or go out to eat when he gets home from work, when he takes a nap he asks if I can stay in the room with him, he also wanted to show me a video when I was in the middle of reading my book. I try to give him space to do things he likes by himself, but he always invites me to go along. So I am very confused as to how I am smothering him and how I want to be with him every waking moment. The reason it was brought up was because I was disappointed that we were going to watch a movie together and then we ended up falling asleep for a few hours, when we woke up, he got on his game and spent a couple of hours doing that. So I told him I was upset about that and the fact that we are always on our phones, sitting next to each other but never talking. This has become a real issue for me, and I've brought it up several times lately.

Then he told me he was feeling smothered and well that conversation took place. I have no problem with doing our own thing, even if it's in separate parts of the house, but sometimes I feel like when I try, he's asking me what I'm doing or comes looking for me to go out to the store or wherever. So now I've been feeling really down, like maybe I shouldn't of brought up being upset about spending quality time with him, instead of sitting in a room with him while on phones or games. After the New Year, he will be going from first shift to second shift and I am on first shift, so our only time we will have together will be at the end of the night, around 11pm/11:30pm, which I think might do us some good. But I also fear that it will damage us if we don't learn to communicate better. We will have the weekends off to do things together, which will be nice. And he will have the daytime to do the things alone that he likes to do, and I will have the evenings to do the things that I like to do. I'm not exactly sure what kind of advice I am looking for, I guess I am feeling down because he feels how he feels, and it feels like it's my fault. I have no one to talk to about these things, my family is off limits because I don't like airing anything to them. His mom usually has good insight on these things, but I don't think I should bring this up to her either. So I am here, asking for some sort of advice.

Also another issue is our sex life, I give a lot more than I get. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what we do, I just feel like he gets a lot more than I do. I give him oral pretty regularly and he's done it for me once. I don't really mind that, but he doesn't like when I use toys while doing it for him, so I don't. Some nights I don't even have an orgasm. He will also masturbate regularly, but we will only have sex once or twice a week. He knows my drive is high and I'd like to do it more. I have to initiate any type of intimacy and lately I've been having to do all of the work. It feels flat and one sided. So now I'm starting to feel upset about that. I don't care if he masturbates, I do it too, it actually seems like that is mostly of what my sex life is now, and it really bums me out. I have no idea how to bring it up again that I'd like more, more often. I fear any type of confrontation or arguments, so I get really anxious when I think of having these conversations (I have always been this way, even if there is no reason to not say what I need to say).

He is younger than I am, there is a 15 year difference in age. So I don't think it's anything physical that is wrong with him, I just think that he's a bit selfish when it comes to his needs/wants compared to mine.

Anyways, I guess that's about it other than I feel super unattractive now and I don't know how to pull myself out of this crippling sense of self loathing. I want us to have a healthy relationship, and most of the time I think it is. But I don't know if he's just become complacent because I give too much and don't make my needs a priority. Sometimes I feel unloved, and I fear that he wants to be done with me, but I'm not so sure if that's the case or if it's just me overthinking, and the BPD and anxiety is making it hard to see what is reality or what isn't.

Anyways, I think that is for now, sorry about the long post and the scrambled words.

Thank you.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry I couldn't read the whole thing, it's pretty repetitive. Sounds as though you both have one another and yourselves under a microscope.

This sounds so constrictive it may not be sustainable.

Have you considered making some friends with other couples and finding your own friends?

If you're both being treated by therapists, what do they say about such a monopoly of focus on one another?

[ShatteredJewel]

Sorry about that. I was looking for a way to delete it as it doesn't make a lot of sense.

[1a1a]

What happens if you have a conversation when you’re both together and feeling calm and say something like

’as we’re heading into our conflicting shift times soon and the only time we’ll get together is weekends and late night, would you be up for spending half an hour with me, phone free when I first get home? I really like the kinds of conversations that arise between us when we’re low key spending time together like that and when you’re on your phone, I find those conversations are obstructed. 
 

There’s one other thing I’ve been starting to feel like our love life is a little bit dormant. I love making love to you and I’d love to be doing that more and I’d love it if you initiate a bit more.’

 

You’ve got two relationship killing issues here. I’m not sure if both can be covered in one conversation maybe assess how he reacts to thing one before broaching thing too. And if you have these conversations and he doesn’t change, do you want these traits in your forever person?

[ShatteredJewel]

Thank you, I appreciate it. I will have a conversation with him about it this weekend.