Sad about the past, is this wrong?

[Pumpkinseed01]

Hello everyone.

it’s been a long time since I’ve been here, I’ll keep this as short as I can. I’d really appreciate any advice.

My ex and I broke up in 2012. A long time ago, I know. It lasted 3 years - the first was wonderful. The second riddled with arguing, ups and downs, tears etc. it was a very strong, emotional time in my life. Moving back with my family brought up a lot of trauma (I come from a broken household, my ex did not). I never felt good enough for him (not his fault, my own insecurities), and became codependent. In hindsight, I messed up so much. But other things happened that I just couldn’t get past including him hitting me which in the end was the nail in the coffin.
 

We stopped talking for a year, then he came back out of nowhere. Slept with me for 5 months while dangling the carrot of a relationship in front of me. I kept falling for it, and the crying started all over again. I was once again heartbroken. We stopped talking again and I met my now husband, and started dating. The last I heard from my ex was a text from him when he found out I’d moved on calling me a bunch of swear words (even though he had me blocked at the time, he also called my new bf to say we were “working on it” which wasn’t true - he literally had me blocked!).

fast forward 10 years (I know…) and I’m now married to the man I moved on with who treats me so well. I would never do anything to hurt him, which makes all of this so confusing. I’m lately thinking of my ex more and more - literally daily. I’m beating myself up over things I said. How I did things, and my role in the downfall of the relationship - from 10 years ago!. How in the hell it ever came to him hurting me. He is in a relationship now too, from what I hear. I would never reach out to him even for closure. I just need help to understand why he’s suddenly in my thoughts so much. I’m not even sure it’s him - maybe it was the time in my life I miss. I don’t know. I love my husband, he truly is lovely. And I hate myself for thinking like this. I feel like I’m betraying him and he does not deserve that.

i wish I’d never met my ex so I didn’t have this weird “what if” going around in my head concerning him. My life is finally calm, I went through a lot growing up, and I don’t think my ex wanted someone broken. His new girl fiend seems like everything he wanted. No baggage. Etc. I don’t know why I even care, but all of this makes me feel sad in a way. Like I was right - I was never good enough.

im married, it was 10 years ago. My life is happy now. Why is this ex on my mind so much? 😞

has anyone else experienced this and if so how did you get past it?

thank you 

[Batya33]

Do you think it's because it's holiday time? Please try to just let those thoughts exist - you're focusing on the "why" so much that it just starts a vicious cycle. My husband mentioned his ex gf by name a few weeks ago after not mentioning her for years (they worked together many years ago, and we happened to be on a road trip in the city where they'd both lived and dated -he pointed out to me and my son where she used to live in addition to pointing out where he lived and others lived (they didn't live together). 

I asked him why he mentioned her especially since then my son wanted to know who she was (I told him) - and he honestly was just rattling off who lived where.  Now I could go down a path that is not exactly fun thinking about -oh is he thinking of her/why would he mention her, etc.  I chose not to.  (And yes he realized it likely was not appropriate to mention -I can't remember the last time I mentioned my ex -maybe when my husband met him over 14 years ago) - I'm saying that on either side thoughts are funny like that - your ex was really important in your life including for "bad" reasons right? So it's normal.  My analysis - I think this is more about that time period in your life as opposed to your ex - you're scrutinizing what happened 10 years ago -who you were, mistakes you made. Are you preparing for stress over the holidays -or some big transition? 

Yes, I think of my ex too -the one I dated 7 years on and off who my husband ended up meeting.  Not ruminating as you describe but sometimes I cringe at the mistakes I made. Most of my thoughts are when one of our mutual friends posts on FB (we are LinkedIn but not FB friends -the Linkedin was an accidental click on my part) - so then I will think of whether he is doing ok, his family. 

No I do not tell my husband about such thoughts -why would I -no point - and so I think when you stop beating yourself up about this current fixation I think the thoughts of him will recede to the periphery.

 I'm so happy for you that you met your person.  He does sound lovely and  I can tell you want to continue to be a good partner/wife. I really think you are!!!

[treasure_island]

It just shows that you have empathy and you try to grow and learn from your mistakes (if you even made mistakes...maybe you didn't make any mistakes even?). Remember, he raised hand on you, so that tells you everything you need to know. That guy is a pos. A man who raises hand on a woman is not a man, no matter what mistakes she made. Always remember that. 

Sometimes we think of our exes maybe as a way of self-reflection. Sometimes it can be nostalgia. Do you really miss the old times with your ex, even the good times? What I do is ...even if I remember the good times, I quickly remember the bad times and it's like ok...nevermind...that guy was a jerk. Talking to a trusted person helps too, someone who knows or has met your ex. But remember how far you have come,  you found a man who adores you. And that's so so important. Having a caring nice partner is one of the most important things in life, and you have that. You got this!