Empty & Alone

[Messyandstressy]

My dad is a malignant narcissist.. I’ve self harmed since the 6th grade (I’m 22 now) and back then my counselor called my dad and stepmom (mom is a meth addict) and he yelled and grit his teeth at me and told me I make him look bad. I have a long history of abuse and it led to a lot of my anxiety. Sometimes I feel myself dissociating when I get stressed and then I get manic and start absolutely panicking and the only thing that calms me down is slitting my wrist. I would kill myself in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for my much younger siblings that need me to be strong for them. I feel alone, I don’t have anyone who understands that pain I feel. My therapist stopped accepting insurance and he charges a lot of money. It sucks I don’t have my dad to turn to because he makes everything about him.. everything is everyone else’s fault. He can never do any wrong, and nothing that has anything to do with me is important unless it serves him. I want to talk to my mom she sounds clean now. But i don’t know if I can forgive her after everything I went through with her. I wish I didn’t feel guilty for my siblings because man I do not want to be on this earth anymore 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Messyandstressy said:

 I get manic and start absolutely panicking and the only thing that calms me down is slitting my wrist. 

Sorry this is happening. Contact a mental health hotline.  Someone will talk to you and listen and help steer you to the appropriate local resources.

You need a physician. Insurance covers that.  So don't use the "can't afford therapy" copout.

Without appropriate psychiatric evaluation and treatment, you're not going to get better.

Bipolar disorder carries a high risk of suicide, but is very treatable.

The problem is in manic phases people go off medical treatment to feel the manic (and often dysphoric) highs. Like what's happening to you now.

Do you live at home? Work? Go to school?  Are there trusted adult friends and extended family you can be frank with?

Is this the situation that's precipitating these feelings?:

 

[Messyandstressy]

8 hours ago, Messyandstressy said:

My dad is a malignant narcissist.. I’ve self harmed since the 6th grade (I’m 22 now) and back then my counselor called my dad and stepmom (mom is a meth addict) and he yelled and grit his teeth at me and told me I make him look bad. I have a long history of abuse and it led to a lot of my anxiety. Sometimes I feel myself dissociating when I get stressed and then I get manic and start absolutely panicking and the only thing that calms me down is slitting my wrist. I would kill myself in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for my much younger siblings that need me to be strong for them. I feel alone, I don’t have anyone who understands that pain I feel. My therapist stopped accepting insurance and he charges a lot of money. It sucks I don’t have my dad to turn to because he makes everything about him.. everything is everyone else’s fault. He can never do any wrong, and nothing that has anything to do with me is important unless it serves him. I want to talk to my mom she sounds clean now. But i don’t know if I can forgive her after everything I went through with her. I wish I didn’t feel guilty for my siblings because man I do not want to be on this earth anymore 

I do have a primary care. And I have been put on meds. But you’re right I did come off of it. I was on if for the full 6 weeks trial period and it messed me up so bad I fell asleep merging into the highway. Kind of traumatized me. I recently moved in with my stepmom who recently left my dad because I was having relationship issues.. and I also work from home, so I don’t get out a lot. But that’s mostly because every time I leave I have massive anxiety and I can’t do it