Boyfriend cant keep it up :/

[spinnellie]

Hey, i didnt really know where to post this so i posted it here.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months, and pretty much, when we have sex, he can get it up, but he cant always keep it up for long. Either he'll lose it after a while, or we'll go on for a long time and he just wont come, then he'll go limp

 

I dont know if this is more of a medical issue, or something else. he has really bad paranoia and insecurity issues. sometimes he'll lose it for no reason, but other times he'll get paranoid about something and then lose it. We were having sex and i told him to slow down or something, and he suddenly got really paranoid that he was doing it wrong and went limp, or he worries that im not comfortable and loses it, or he'll just get tired. Occasionally, he'll come quite quickly, but other times we just stop becuase we've been going for so long and he just cant seem to come.

 

It has got better, the first time we tried he didnt even keep it up long enough to start having sex, but ive spent a while with him just making him relax, i just kind of, made him feel comfortable, assured him that he wasnt crap, and that i didnt mind either way and it didnt matter to me, which did seem to help quite alot, and he said he felt better, but it still happens.

 

Do you think it will get better in time, with the more relaxed he gets, or this something he should see someone about. He gets worried enough as it is but this makes him even worse, he cried once because he thort he'd let me down, even tho i told him it didnt matter, and i never know what to do, he just sits there feeling embarrassed, not looking at me. its really horrible has anyone else experienced this? and what can i do to help him?

 

thanx.

[RayKay]

I would say that going by your description of what happens, and his own beliefs about it, it may be a result of feeling pressured to perform, anxiety and even just getting tired.

 

It sounds like he is worried about pleasing you so when he worries about this mid-sex, he shuts down almost. I think you are doing the right thing in increasing his comfort level, and should continue to do so. As he gets more comfortable with you and more confident things should improve if it is a psychological issue. Maybe next time you want him to slow down what you should do is when he does do a couple slow strokes say at that moment "Mmmmm...I LOVE it when you go slow like that, it feels so good and rubs me the right way" rather than saying something when he is going faster as he won't feel like he is doing wrong. It is just "positive reinforcement" and will actually be pleased he is doing something so right! Make sense? Keep at it, it sounds like things are already improving and hopefully they will continue to do so...if not, well come back here and we'll have to think of some other potential reasons and solutions!

 

On another note - if he gets tired really soon, this could also be an issue of diet/fitness and health. If you do not eat well (ie too much fatty foods) it actually will affect blood flow to the penis, and if you are not fit, you will get tired much faster without endurance and your body will divert the blood from penis to where it is needed more due to exhaustion.

[Amannamederic]

*sigh...performance anxiety

 

its common in younger guys vs. older guys i believe, that first time jitter almost proves it, was he shaking? like his leg...or his hand...was he really cold? the whole 9 yards.

 

If hes your age it is possible to ask for ED medicine to help get him confidence, and it does not work too well resulting in the fabled 4 hour erection that permanently damages your penis.

 

I know because ive taken a Cialis pill before as sort of an experiement....

 

"corking the bat" if you will and even though i had no trouble before that, it was to the point where it was almost annoying how easy it was to get me up lol.

 

whether or not boys admit it, they all want these pills just to alleviate the need to get it up..the worry is completely erased because with me at least, literally the sight of a breast shifting side to side had me up and ready to go lmao it was quite funny.

 

Talk to him about it, tell him to ask his Dr. and keep his secret please...or else youll probably cement his anxiety forever haha.

 

Good luck,

-Eric

[spinnellie]

hes not that bad, hes not really nervous, hes 18 and its not like hes never had sex before, he just gets really paranoid, not just about that, about everything. but thanks for the help. I'll just see how it goes i guess

[alicejlucas]

Boys will be boys... 8)

 

This is a LONG shot, but is he on any type of medication? My bf had the same problem when we started having sex. He's 23 but already going bald so he was taking some pills to retard the process - one of the pill's secundary effects was "may cause erectile disfunction"...

 

He's doing FINE now!

 

Still, when he gets tired, and may get limp, I immediately take action. I know how serious guys take their performance so I try to take his mind off it (caress, moan, kiss, talk dirty, etc), get him really turnned on, letting him know that I'm enjoying having sex. At the same time I perform a hand job/blow job while he's lying down. That seems to do the trick!

 

You might want to try this, but take action in a natural way, don't make him feel that you just went into "plan B".

[fantasia2004]

Did he drink before you had sex?

[spinnellie]

nope, not usually. the problem seems to have got.....worse in a way.

 

its only been a couple of weeks sinse i posted that but its kinda changed now. he seems a lot more relaxed than he was, and he can keep it up for a long time now, but he never seems to come. i actually make him come about once every 6 times or something stupid, no matter what we're doing. it was terrible yesterday, (we didnt have any condoms so we werent having sex) i was giving him a handjob, then oral, for ages, and he really wanted to come but he just couldnt get there. before, he would always say he was frustrated but he really didnt care and he would rather make me happy, but its really getting me down.

 

i thort that usually its more of a problem with the guy than with the girl when the guy doesnt come, but yesterday he said that he doesnt think its him, cos hes more relaxed than hes ever been and he doesnt know what the problem is, so i started crying thinking it was just cos im rubbish. we've been online and looked up tips on ways to make sex and oral really good but nothing seems to work, i told him to tell me exactly what he likes and what he doesnt, but that doesnt help either, he'll say "that feels really good" so i'l be pleased, but then he'll say "actually...idunno...." and he said i was gripping too tight, so i was mroe gentle, then he said oral felt better so i did that, then he said he couldnt feel it as much, i tried loads of different ways but i felt like i was doing everything wrong, then i got upset when he said it wasnt happening and i should just stop, and then he got upset cos i was upset...

 

its all so stupid. he thinks im stupid for worrying but i feel crap, he makes me come every time, and he says thats all that matters, but the *one* time he didnt make me come he said he felt rubbish, cant he see thats what i feel like all the time?! its great having someone that just wants to make me happy, but its not if i cant return the favour! and what if he gets so frustrated he finds some other girl to make him happy?! (i kno i shudnt get paranoid, i do trust him, but this is really worrying me!!) and i still dont know if its him, or if im just !!!

 

sorry i wrote so much, but someone please help me!!

[Minty80]

While it's not the exact same thing my boyfriend has had a similar "issue". The difference being that when he can't orgasm or it takes him a really long time it's because we had only taken a couple minutes break between sex.

 

What we've found that works is changing positions and certain ones work much better, especially doggy style or me sitting on his lap. It all depends on the guy though so it might be something to experiment with.

 

Also, one of the problems women often have with orgasm is focusing to much on the orgasm and not just enjoying how it feels at the moment. Perhaps the problem is similar for him and he just needs to stop thinking about orgasm altogether and just learn to relax and enjoy what is happening at the moment?

[Universe]

i was giving him a handjob, then oral, for ages, and he really wanted to come but he just couldnt get there.

I have this problem sometimes. It was only occasional for a while. Then it just turned into every time my girl gave me oral, it would take forever. Now it's gotten to the point where she rarely can finish me off without me jerking off or having sex. But recently I think I figured it out. Basically - while doing oral, it's really easy to over stimulate the important areas and desensitize them. The most sensitive part of the penis is right on the underside of the head. But i think if the orgasm doesn't happen by a certain point, I just become desensitized and it's really hard to come. My girl is really creative with it and it feels fricken amazing! But a lot of the time amazing does not equal orgasm. If she gives amazing head for too long with giving enough orgasm head, it doesn't have the desired result. So the important thing is not just to please him, but to please him while doing precisely the motions that will get him off. With all the licking, deep throat, and other stimulation that feels really great, there needs to be some good long periods off solid up and down with good tight suction. It's all about the combination. IF you're mouth is getting tired, than just say so and start using your hands until your mouth is rested. One anxiety I always get that makes me take longer is that I start to worry that my girl is getting tired and I feel pressured to come. Once a guy feels pressured to come, he's in trouble...especially during head.

 

Also, one of the problems women often have with orgasm is focusing to much on the orgasm and not just enjoying how it feels at the moment.

This is right on. Sex has to be relaxed and without pressure.