Made the transition from lovers to friends - then got naked.

[Universe]

After six months of healing and dealing with breaking up with my 5 year girlfriend and watching her go straight to sleeping with a total loser, I finally decided that it's best right now that we just be friends. I had made my desire to get back together clear to her back in January and she did not say she didn't want to. But she was still confused and still with the other guy. Then we talked about it a couple weeks ago and she said that she was no longer sleeping with the other guy (who says he's in love with her). She also said she's not really capable of being in a relationship right now with anyone and wants to be alone for a while. At the same time I was realizing that my hopes of getting back together and dealing with her sexual relastionship with this other guy had damaged me so much that I was also in no state to be in a real relationship. She's made it clear that she still loves me and that I'm still the most important person in her life. My love for her has proved to be stronger than I ever dreamed. She's been having so many issues with stress, depression, and anxiety that I can't not be there for her. For a while I feared that I was the source of most of her stress, depression, and anxiety. But since I've removed the pressure of getting back together and committed to being just friends, it's clear that it is her job and not me that is behind her problems. Most of her issues began two years ago when she first got the job and they've gotten steadily worse ever since. I've advised her countless times over the past couple years that she should quit her job. She agrees, but she just won't.

She says I'm the only person that she can really talk to about anything that really matters. So I've continued to be that for her. But I've been that for her for years and it hasn't really done her any good.

We hung out a couple nights ago and she was on the brink of tears over an issue that's been going down at work. But this time, instead of trying to comfort her and advise her, I decided to distract her and just show her a good time. So I took her bowling and we had a blast. I kept thinking we were done, but she kept wanting to play more games. Then she was a little too drunk to drive home, so I took her to the beach and we went for a walk. Then when the whim struck me I decided it was time to go for a swim. It was past 3AM and no one was around. So I stripped naked and ran into the water. She's always been afraid of the ocean and it was a little rough so she was afraid to come in. But she stripped down to her underwear (no bra) and tried to face her fear, but couldn't. We put our clothes back on and walked back to the car. She got down on herself saying she wished she were more outdoorsie and adventurous like me and some of her other female friends. Incidentally, the friends she mentioned are two rather attractive female friends who've both at one time or another expressed interest in me. I get the impression sometimes that she fears that she's not right for me because of my "outdoorsie adventurous" side. I think she feels that she stifles my fun by having so many phobias. Anyways - I told her not to worry about it. I took her back to her car and she went home.

It didn't cross my mind at all at the time, but looking back I can see that it definitely may have looked like I was trying to hook up with her. I wasn't. I was just trying to rouse her from her seemingly overwhelming depression. We talked on the phone the next night and have a emailed each other a couple times since so everything is cool. But I'm not sure what impression I gave her.

On my end, looking back, I can't help thinking what a romantic evening it was, minus the romance. The image of her standing in the moonlight on the edge of the water as the waves crashed on her feet is left imprinted on my memory and I just wish I could go back and make it last. But I know it definitely would have been a bad idea to pursue sex at that juncture. We've only just begun to settle into this friendship mode and she was clearly not emotionally ready to have sex. Then again, maybe she was. Maybe that would have been the perfect distraction. But probably not. Besides - it really didn't cross my mind.

 

So now I'm confused because I know I want to get back together, but I know that she needs my support as a friend and not a lover right now. But looking back over the years, I can see that my support hasn't really helped. So I want to find a new way to truly help her. I want to help her to enjoy life again instead of being so down in the dumps all the time.

 

I don't know if there's anything you all can say to help me. But I'd appreciate your comments.

Thanks.

[shockeddismayed]

I think she feels that she stifles my fun

 

Maybe she's right?

 

What are you getting out of this "friendship" right now?

 

And if she is going through so much right now, why do you have to be the one to support her? Weren't you always doing that? Did she ever get better during the relationship when you were her crutch? What makes you think continuing to be the crutch OUTSIDE the relationship will be any easier?

 

I honestly don't know the full answer to any of this... but she sounds like a girl smart enough to know better. She was with you for 5 years and it sounds like she wants cake and to eat it.

 

I think she is using you until she can figure herself out.

 

Why not go minimal to no contact? Just because she claims to be single now doesn't mean she is anywhere near ready for a relationship again (obviously she's said no). And you've got plenty to deal with regarding her infidelity.

 

I think she's dragged you down and into her confusion... perhaps you should consider getting out before she beats your self esteem down any further.

 

I've lived this before... and you need to try and avoid getting used up by her need for your energy... otherwise when you need it (like when she's started to recover and is considering trying again), you may have little/nothing left.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[baf15]

I don't think she realizes how lucky she is to have a guy stand by her side through all of her drama. It doesn't seem like she deserves you. I know you want to be there for her, but how was she there for you when sleeping with someone else. I honestly don't know why you would want her back after being in the arms of another man so soon. She doesn't seem to think too highly of you and I totally agree with the other guy that you need to move on. Find someone that appreciates all that you are obviously willing to put into a relationship when you care for someone. It's hard to move on and get over someone and it really, really sucks. But it seems like you would see how strong you are when you finally do move on. Good luck.

[Larz]

Yeah, this girl is getting everything she needs right now. You don't need to be a hero or "show" her anything. You've gotten used to filling that void and forgotten how to show yourself the same love. You'll figure this out sooner than later.

 

Good luck.

 

Larz